Why is it after over a year, I still have days where the hurt and pain knock me back down...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
Why is it after over a year, I still have days where the hurt and pain knock me back down...
10
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 2:03pm

All I want to do today is cry. I can't block the thoughts out of my mind today. Something reminded me of my former friend and now all the hurt and pain is right there. I can't stop my brain from going over and over things again!. I hate this! I want to move on, forget her, forget what he and she did, adn try to rebuild my llife and marriage.  But things just keep reminding me of her, which just brings back the pain and heartache all over again.  Getting over the betrayal of a spouse is enough but having to deal with the betrayal and loss of a best friend with it is unbearable.  Your best friend is the one that you are supposed to be able ot turn to in times like this and I lost mine becasue she is the OW!.  I'm sorry, I needed to vent.  I am just strugglign right now. I feel myself falling back into a depression and I don't want that. I can't let it happen. My kids need a happy mom, not a sad depresssed lonely one.  I am on some meds for a urinary tract infection and I don't know if htey are safe to take with my happy pills.  I quit takign them when I was doing better but now I htink I really could use going back on them. I hate taking medicine too!. How can people do this to another person? Especially someone they supposedly love and care for? I will never understand it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012

I to am still in so much pain and H and I are 10 months into RM, I still have images of them together and it literally makes me ill, I have my good days and bad days but I keep all my feelings of the A hidden from H and still have so much anger towards the OW and H, H for not answering questions I really need answered or maybe understanding of what really went on with them... H says it was a friendship with a 1 time "sexual" encounter".. OW had stated it was so much more then that. when I get into these "moods I have no where to turn" and with the 1 year DDay coming i can feel all the hurt and anger choking me. someone help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012

Through his work we had 10 free sessions with a therapist and it helped alot, and H swears he has answered everything he was asked truthfully, and for months I have believed him, but then my mind goes back to the mistake he made just by the texting. the last text H got from the other woman, he let me read and she was babbling about how much he meant to her and that she didnt mean to fall in love with him and understands he just used her to make me wake up about my own insecurites and that she wished us all the best, and I sat there and cried because I knew she had given up and I actually texted her back on H's phone with H sitting there and asked " did I ever tell you I loved you or was going to be with you"? and waited for her reply. minutes past and with the alert my heart skipped 100 beats and I read " well no you didn't but I thought you and I were getting so close that we would be".... I turned off his phone after that and just kissed him. If he would have just stopped texting her when he saw it was making me jealous in the first place the PA may not have happened, but I do not think our M would be as good as it is now... Once these flashbacks and nightmares and 1 year Dday feelings die down. I just need to know that theses feelings are truely normal and I am not crazy... my mom actually thinks i have PTSD

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad to hear your husband is hleping you.  Mine is not much help and doesn't show much remorse. He is the type htat hates to talk about anything, not just the affair. So anytime I bring it up because I am hurting and neet to talk he gets mad adn says I'm just feeling sorry for myself. he can't seem to understand that even though its been a little over a year now its still painful and I'm still struggling with it all. Just the other day I saw a post by another friend on the OW's facebook page talking about her baby shower.  (no not my husbands baby, thank goodness, that would have been the final deal breaker, no way I could have handled that). Anyway, it really brougth things back. Because evne though I have no desire to be her friend anymore, I miss her and its hard knowing I cannot (and don't want to) be a part of the baby shower and this happy time for her. I know that probably doesn't make sense. But before my DD I would have been thrilled for her. Anyway its hard seeing those posts. it jusst brings back so much pain and hurt. Any reminder of her does though. It brings back all the pain of hte affair, the pain of knowing that my best friend since high school could hurt me this way.  Could throw our friendship away for sex, which is all she said it was. She sadi there were no feelings involved, which I have a hard time believing. Anyway, I have dealt with my husbands betrayal, well am dealing with it. Her betrayal has been harder for some reason. I think its that I see him everyday and we have talked (well as much as he will talk anyway). For her, I never had true closure, never understood it (or his part of it either), but also I have not seen her since. Not thrat I really want to, but knowing one day I will run into her, we live in a small town and its inevitable that we will see each other sometime.  I don't know how I will react.  I hope that I can keep a straight face and walk past her without showing any emotion.  however, I'm not sure if I will be able to do that or not.  So everywhere I go, I am afraid of running into her.  I am always aware of who is around me. Crazy huh! i just wish sometimes that I would run into her and get it over with even though I know it will bring on some major emotions and hurt like hell.  Anyway, thats where I am.  And I am still struggling with my husbands betrayal. As much I want to believe he never will hurt me like this, I'm not sure I do.  I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again.  I hope I can, but right now it still doesn't seem possible. 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

On D-day, I found myself leaning on my Mother-in-law for emotional support. She wasn’t a great choice, but I had reasons. My spouse used her parents’ home as a base for her affair. She would go visit, put the kids to bed, and then sneak out of the house to go see the other man while I was homelocked several hours away by work. I needed my MIL to be a watchdog for me. My MIL shared with me that my wife’s father had cheated on her about ten years earlier, but that he had refused to talk to her about it, deal with it, read, even when he was kicked out of his church for it, he would only talk to the pastor about it, not his spouse, and he was allowed back into the church after he confessed what he did to the pastor and did some in-house counseling (which was essentially crap because he still never talked to his spouse about what he had done other than to say it happened). My MIL asked him if she could tell me about it and he said “no,” which was a problem because she already had.

So, I approached him. I told him a true story that my spouse told me about when her and the OM were sitting in bed talking and OM told my spouse that he knew that my FIL had an affair and the whole town knew about it. I told my FIL that my spouse was really hurting and could use a wise father’s advice right now from someone who had been there.

Boom

In the next 20 min of talking at me he told me essentially two things, 1). He didn’t have an affair. That it was a lie. 2). He told me that my spouse’s affair was my fault.

I’ll never respect him again. I don’t want to hear his advice or his folk wisdom and I won’t allow him to offer my children advice. I look forward to his death now that he is ill and I’m wondering how I can get out of attending his funeral.

Ok, I’m venting. Sorry.

Not talking about the affair is not a good idea. Living in a marriage where a spouse refuses to deal with bad behavior openly with a spouse is a recipe for long term misery. The reality is that you as the betrayed spouse have all the power if you choose. The spouse who cares the least holds all the power in a relationship. Tell him that if he doesn’t start talking, reading, counseling and pulling his shtt together, that you will leave him and go looking for one of the other 3 billion men out there who just might.

Sending good vibes. Chin up, you can do this. 

 

 

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2012

Don't Be So Hard On Yourself.  It is normal that you will have "Your Days."  AND...You are entitled to them!  I am going on almost 10 months now, and we are doing GREAT, but I still have my moments with the flashbacks of my so called "friend" who manipulated me and my husband into her web of evil.  You will forgive your husband, but NEVER forget.  Unfortunately that is one scar on your heart forever.  I also see the incredible pain my husband has as well.  He REALIZES how much he hurt me and he can't take that back, but now our relationship has turned into something better and I hope it continues.  We are still in therapy and it is helping us a great deal.  We are going every other week now rather than once a week, because in all honesty, sometimes it would bring out my "Craziness" going every week.  Now, I feel almost at peace.  I have forgiven my husband, but I will NEVER, EVER forgive her!  Then again, who knows in time, whether it be 5 years, 10 years, or 25 years that I finally have complete peace inside and forgive her.  I will NEVER say it to her face, but perhaps I will feel "Complete" once I can let go of it all.  As for now, she remains unforgiven.  You can still have your days, believe me, I do as well!  But I also won't allow her to have all this power over me anymore.  I am the better person and I refuse to allow her to make me feel otherwise!  Remember all your wonderful qualities and regain your life back again and make it even better than before!  YOU HAVE THE POWER!