Why is my mother so mean :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Why is my mother so mean :(
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 9:01pm

Hi All,

I know I am not around much but things have been so crazy that I don't even have time to think let alone do something I like or need to do for me. Between my husband's psoriatic arthritis and gout he can not walk anymore. Also, my mother is so narcissistic and borderline personality that I have had to completely cut myself off from her and my family. I am posting here because I really have no one else out there.

My husband is in constant extreme pain. The rheumatologist FINALLY moved him onto an injectable med Enbrel. It took me 2 weeks of fighting and following up to get this medication authorized by the insurance and then shipped by the specialty pharmacy (and I work for the insurance company and know how to navigate the mess!) If I was not in the picture he would still be sitting here with no medication, it is just crazy. He is miserable and depressed because he is in constant pain. I have to do everything for him. I cook, clean, run all the errands, take care of the dog, work 10 plus hours a day with an hour commute each way and on top of that take care of him.

During the mess above I received an email from my mother demanding information about what our decision was in regards to fertility treatments. We have been on hold for about 6-7 months with no end in site due to my husband's feet and some mental health issues of my own (all due to my mother). She said she needs to know if I am going to give her any more grandchildren (she has 2 from my older sister) because they are the only things that have ever brought her any joy in her life. So I emailed her back and CCed my older sister (because she never believes what I say about how my mother treats me) and tell her it is none of her business and if that is the only joy she has ever had then she needs help. So I guess her 3 children never brought her any joy. Next, she proceeded to email me back and CCed everyone we know and said some really crude things back to me about me and also about the only reason my husband is with me (sexual in nature). She also said once he smartens up he will leave me.

I had a 3 page letter that I wrote with my therapist a while ago and after much debate with my therapist, I went to her house, picked up some of my belongings I had stored there (I had to leave all my fall, Halloween and Christmas decorations due to space limits in the care :smileysad: which really sucks) and I left the letter for her. It was a letter confronting her about my childhood and the fact that part of the reason I am infertile (the 4 miscarriages I had) is because of her and her husband's (my stepfather) actions. Well, she drove 45 minutes and dropped off the most hurtful letter I have ever seen to my apartment while I was at work. She basically told me how much I deserve what I got as a child and that I asked for it all. She also talked about how her 3 children ruined her life.

She hates me and it hurts. It is all way too overwhelming, I feel like I am at the end of my rope ready to lose a grip. We now have absolutely no family. My sisters do not bother with me because they follow my mother and what she says, I have never met any of my husband's family because they are far away and do not bother with us. We have no one left. I have a few close friends and that is it. So this means our holidays this year will be nothing. We will sit home and watch TV.

Sorry this is so long and depressing, everything has just come to ahead and I am soooo overwhelmed and sad that my therapist has me calling her everyday to check in even if I just leave her a message.

If you got to this point (or even if you did not) thanks for listening.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 7:12pm

Hi All,

I just wanted to update on how things are going....

They are a bit better. I have been working through things with my therapist and I truly think things happen for a reason. If I did not struggle with infertility, I would most likely have 2-3 children by now and would never be able to deal with small children and struggle with this. My therapist is great and she still has me calling/emailing her most days of the week. I am seeing her once a week because that is all I can afford and that is getting difficult to pay as well. I just try to save every week so I can see her. My husband would be happy if I saw her every other week or not at all. He thinks I will and should just get over this and move on but it is unfortunately not that easy. He is as supportive as he can be but just has a different up bringing and mind set. He is still in lots of pain but feels the Enbrel is starting to work some so I am hopeful.

I have been trying to take my aggression out at the gym. There are lots of times that I will completely lose control of my emotions while there and end up running a mile or 2 (which is HUGE for me) I have lost 40 pounds and have about 70 more to go.

I am really at this point just trying to get through the day with out losing my grip on life and trying to figure out what the holidays will be like. Trying to figure out what to do. We are hoping to volunteer on both Thanksgiving and Christmas but we are looking for something after that.

Thanks for listening.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 11:56pm
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! It's just awful the way your mother is treating you. Hopefully you can take her letter to your therapist and worth through how to deal with what she said. Maybe some of your family will finally see how she's treating you and will reach out to you...I hope so. I don't get alone well with my siblings and I've had to accept that it's up to me to reach out to friends and create the family I want. It's so hard. Sending lots of PTs and {{{HUGS}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 10:22pm

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  Family is supposed to be supportive.  I agree with others that you should distance yourself from your mom for awhile.  You don't need the negative energy.  What a terrible thign for her to demand grandkids from you as a way to make her happy.  Not everyone has control over when they have children and the decision of which treatment to pursue and when if very personal and none of her business.  It's unfortunate that your sisters side with her even though her letter to you seems to put them down too.  We're here for you whenever you need us.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 9:54pm

I just want to say think you all for responding. It is really difficult to think about losing your entire family and I am trying hard to do with is best for DH and I. Me being miserable with them is not best for us so I am hoping with therapy being without them will be happier.

Again, Thank you



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 11:58am

((HUGS))  I am so sorry.  I can totally relate to your story.  Not just because I feel your pain and frustration of dealing with your DH's constant pain of psoriatic arthritis (it hurts so much to see them hurt, but at the same time its exhausting taking care of them as well as everything else). That alone is alot to deal with.  But also dealing with a mother like that.  

Your mother is a peice of work.  My mom is too but she tends to focus on how DH isn't good enough for me and how I should leave him not the other way around.  She only directs stuff at me if she is really really mad or a regular guilt trip of course.  I can't believe your mom is directing all that at you especially right now.  I think its a good idea to cut off communication for now.  I know it sucks. I cut my mom off for all things IF related, but I can still talk to her (or rather she talks to me on and on she doesnt even ask about me).  I'm sorry your sisters take her side.  That's rough.  How far is DH's family?  I am surprised they are not more concerned with their son and his illness.  If its just distance maybe you could plan a trip there for the holidays and meet them.  I don't know. I know its rough but you don't deserve being emotionally abused by your mother.  Perhaps DH and you can start some holiday traditions just the two of you.  You two are a family, a family of two.  

Hopefully the enbrel works for your hubby.  My Dh was on enbrel when we met.  He was able to work back then but he got sick easily (as all these meds are immunosuppresants) and when you're sick you have to stop meds and for him that meant his skin flaring and arthritis flaring.  When he would start the enbrel back up the arthritis usually got better but his skin did not.  That's why he moved on.  I often tell him now he should try enbrel again bc since he's home now I think he would get sick less (i am very careful not to get sick if at all possible) and he does lights and topicals for his skin so maybe that would take care of that side of things.  Anyway, point is, enbrel worked for him and I hope it works for your hubby.

If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to PM me.  I think I will just send you my non-ivillage contact info via PM.  I'm not a fan of the ivillage PM system as it doesn't notify me so I miss messages.  

Take care.  ((hugs))

Elizabeth (31) DH (36) TTC #1 since July 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:17pm
Lori, I sent you a PM. I hope that getting everything out helped a little. You deserve SO much better than this treatment from your mother.
Sending you extra sunshine this weekend and hoping you are alright.

Britty  & DH (both 30) TTC since late 2008