True Story!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
True Story!!!!
6
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:05pm

Hey ladies and gents... just popping in to say hello and I tried to re-cap on all I have missed.  Well for one.. CONGRATS CLARITY on being our new community leader.  Always had a quiet thought about that.. knew you would be perfect for the position.  Thank you!!!!  

 

Im in NC still.  Well I had to restart the ticker a few times as I was trying to feed my ego all the while I was starving my sould.  (READ THAT SOMEWHERE BTW) I now say it to myself each and everytime I want to seek out his validation or whatever it is I am seeking.  Anyhow, I went to my first therapy session last week and it was a short visit.  He asked me all the major areas in my life I was having a hard time with.. all of a sudden my mind just went blank LOL.  But he asked the right questions and agreed I have too much on my plate.  He did prescribe me an anit-depressent but I am still iffy about that.  But the funny thing is I walked away feeling a little bit better knowing that he agreed and it was almost normal to have a breakdown under my circumstances.  I have years of damage to fix.  Its a whole lot to do in a single session.  But I will be going back again for sure.

 

Thing is.. and I was thinking about this before I came here to post.. I did go NC for 7-8 months.  But I went about it all wrong.  I just did the physical work. WALK AND BLOCK.  It has been said here time and time again. That working fromt he inside out in that time is CRUCIAL> I just stayed in bed and would sleep so I wouldnt have to deal with any of my feelings or thoughts.  That is not healing.  I have been doing better and I really am trying to tell myself that my ego needs to take a hike.  I need to feed my soul!  Ok the actual saying I read is Starve the Ego Feed the Soul.  So true in so many ways.  It is my ego that refused to let go and it is my soul that was dying to let it go!!!  Quite the battle I have here!  

 

At the end of the day I need to feel happy with or without a man in my life.  I want to have my own world before I share it with someone.  I really hated putting myself in a postion where my XAP would just ignore me over and over and over.  I lost my mind over it.  Really that "it doesn't matter" thing we talk about.. is soooooo true!  It really doesn't.  But heck.  It was all false from the start to the end.  I dont need that in my life!

Im in a weird spot right now.  I am still picking up all the pieces but I feel stronger and I am really having good self talks with myself when I find negativity come in.  A thought is so powerful..!  

 

Anyway, Hello and I will  I will come around more.  Been in a really bad spot where even getting my thoughts out here was exhausting.  

Claire :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:51pm
Thank you E1.. Standing still and waiting for time to just pass is not healing. It is work and it took many tears to finally say Enough! All the thoughts I had invested in XAP are now on me! Its freeing to let go! best feeling I have had in a long time. I still have a lot of work in front of me. But my heart is lighter. All I could ask for the time being!

XXOO

Claire
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:26pm

Claire,

I’m so glad you came to the realization that NC is a tool and NC alone is not going to heal you. You do have to take the time to work on “you.”

I’m glad to read you are investing time and energy in such a valuable and immensely worthwhile cause—you!

Love and hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 4:07pm
Claire, it is good to see you here. You sound like the lightbulb has really gone off, which is to say, we were wasting our lives with these guys.
It.is good to be free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 12:38am

Thank you.. I just love the warm welcomes I get when I come here :-) considering how many times I have screwed up!  You are right ratherbeme.. I have gone in circles and rather than doing the obvious.. the less painful way of just walking away.  I feel that I almost got so immune to the pain that it didn't phase me on what I was doing.  I watched the seasons change, people's lives around me change etc.  Years were passing me by.  I have been trying to free myself from this man for years.  Years I will never live again.  I got really tired of being tired.  I miss waking up in the morning and just feeling that calmness while having my morning coffee.  Simple things like that I missed.  I dont want to wake up one day with regrets because I did not appreciate the moment of today.  Looking back.. aside from the firey first few months of A the 4years after that was pure torture.  I was only happy when I would see him for a few hours or when we talked but as soon as we would part ways again I was smothered by sorrow.  That is no way to live.  I would question and analyze EVERYTHING he texted or said etc.  Something I would not do or thought I would ever do.  But that is what happens when you start a R or A whatever it is with lies.  You start to live one!  I want to live an honest life and be proud of me!  

Baby steps.  I could actually say its over!  For the first time.  This time its from my heart and not my head..  I would like for my NC date to be Sept 24th!  That is the day I released the burden of this A.  

 

Looking forward to next therapy session. 

 

 

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 9:43am

It all seems like a crazy jungle, and you are lost in it.

Getting out, takes a lot of work.  One foot on the path, then another.  Sooner or later it gets you moving.  As is typical, you walk in circles until finally find the right path.

Sounds like you are moving on. 

The key is you. YOU!  Taking care of you first, and then the rest starts to fall into place. 

Keep up, the journey is worth it.  Keep coming here. The support you get, the support you give is so rewarding for healing. Thats the goal isn't it?  Healing you.  Making you the woman you want to be?

Welcome back.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:58pm

Girl, your ears must have been ringing because I was thinking about you. Now, I'm not one to go chasing after people if they leave the Board, but I did PM you not all that long ago, but I think I might have messaged you under Clairefree...because I was thinking about you and wanted to know if you were okay.

And I was just about to hit the sack but decided to take one last look here...you're here! And doing okay!  I mean, I know you have a lot to work through, but you are on the road to doing it...really doing it...and I couldn't be happier for you.  You just made my day.

Don't you just love therapy?!!  I did.  Even though I was delving into some tough issues, I felt a little bit lighter after each visit...and I knew I was going to turn out okay as a result. And you are going to be okay too. And yes, it can be exhausting. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed.  So much new information to absorb, and I was scared a little...hoping I could remember it all to start applying to my life.  So, I absorbed a little...applied a little...absorbed a little more...applied a little more. 

And about that pesky married man, you did good!  Already, a new Claire is taking hold.

Thank you for dropping by with an update and please stick around as much as you can.  I know some posters have shared some of their insight from therapy, and if you are not uncomfortable doing so, it'd be great if you could...if you think it would apply here.  I mean, we don't want to hear the gory details...okay, I'll speak for myself...others may enjoy the gory details, but you know what I mean :smileywink:\

And thank you for your congratulations, too.

(((hug)))

Clarity