Looking for Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2012
Looking for Hope
7
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 3:11am

I've never done this before and have no idea how this works. But I feel so alone.
I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety. I've been a self-harmer for 6 years but have been working hard to change that. Suicide attempts too.
I was raped this past April.
I don't remember much of what happened, but I do know that it hurt. I was a virgin. (20 years old and was trying to save myself...)
He left me in a parking lot at  in the morning. To this day, I don't know where my shirt went.
He texted me 3 weeks later saying he had my belt, but wouldn't tell me his name. I don't know how he got my number.
I have gone on with my life (or so it seems) but on the inside, I feel the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life. Nights are particularly hard on me. Suicide continues to cross my mind.
Who will ever want me now? Who will ever love me?

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 5:49pm

<3

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Someone will want you, and someone will love you...

~hugs~

You are still you, nobody can take that away ever.

Have you been able to tell anyone, talk to anyone about this?

Family member or a friend?

I have listed some online resources.

http://www.rainn.org/

http://www.pandys.org/

http://pandys.org/forums/

Nightangel
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 10:08pm

Hello Amm42.  You have come to the right place. 

You are not damaged goods.  I was sexually abused from a very young age and I found a wonderful guy.  We have been married for over 20 years.  Believe me when I say you are still as valuable as you always were. 

I understand how hard nights can be.  How much sleep do you get? 

Can I ask why you started injuring yourself?  You had to be a freshman or sophomore.  That's a tough age.

I'm sorry you were attacked.  I truly am.  I can also relate to being found after being attacked.  I was left was for dead and I was only seven years old. 

Were you drugged before being attacked? 

I am going to have a lot of questions but they will help me when I'm talking to you. 

What meds are you on for Bi-Polar Disorder?  For anxiety?  Do the meds help you?  Do you have something you take for sleep?  Are you seeing a therapist currently?

You are still a loveable person.  You can heal from the attack in April.  You were a victim.  Just a person is a victim of a mugging or robery.  Right now you are feeling vulnerable.  That is normal; a very normal reaction to a very violent crime.  The crime was about control.  It was violent.  You have a whole list of emotions to go through.  Don't get stuck in this one.  Have you ever tried to commit suicide? 

Please use those numbers if you feel suicidal.  I really want to talk to you again. 

Crisis Numbers

Suicide Hotline - 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

Emergency number - 911

Please use those numbers if you feel suicidal.  I really want to talk to you again. 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:57pm

I have seen a therapist for 2 years. I also have a psychiatrist. I've been hospitalized four times for suicide attempts, and have done partial hospitalization twice. I'm currently in a group as well. I saw a rape counselor. Nothing seems to help.

I am currently on Lamictal, Cymbalta, Trazedone, and Visteral for my mental health. I have tried Abilify, Celexa, Lithium, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Valium.

I'm trying, and I've tried. I've talked to people, including family and friends and professionals. I don't know why I am the way I am.

I'm not sure why I started self-harming. I was 14, so yes, a freshman. I guess I didn't really think about it.

Thank you for your reply, it meant a lot to me to read it.

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:22pm

I can't imagine dealing with the affects of a rape and attack while dealing with Bi-polar disorder. 

After re-reading your post several times, I think that you don't remember what happened because you may have been drugged.  It also sounds like you your shirt is completly missing.  Some of these guys take a trophy.  He may have taken it with him. 

I was being treated for anxiety and a heart condition as well as being malnourished.  I had to set alarms to remind me to take the medications I was on.  I do not envy you having to take four drugs every day.  It  is tough but you know that they are helping.   There is no over night cure, I'm afraid.  I wish there was. 

It helps to talk about what you can remember and at some point you need to forgive yourself.

In my humble opinion (IMHO), I don't believe rape takes away one's virginity.  I think virginity is more than just the physical part, it is a symbolic giving of yourself and your soul.  No one can take that away from you.

You've already been down a very rough road.  At 14 and a freshman in high school, the world changes for a young girl.  We try to figure out where we fit into society.  Some of us don't figure it out right away; maybe because there isn't a group of people like us around us, or we percieve that others don't want us in their group., whatever the reason we end up isolated.  In order to figure that out, you have to go back to the 14 year old girl you were and take a really good look at her warts and all.  That's best done in therapy.  You have to accept her and love her and forgive her.  Some people call that finding your inner child. 

Do you still self-injure? 

Give therapy more time.  2 years is not very long at all.   It took me longer than that to get comfortable sitting in the waitig room.  I always feel like one of many cows being headed in for slaughter and we are all too stupid to run, when I am sitting in those waiting rooms.  I guess that isn't something I would want to tell the therapist.  LOL!

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 11:04pm

I haven't self injured since May. It's hard, I think about it every day. I'm embarrassed by it while being in love with it.

I don't know if I was drugged, I didn't go to the doctor until 2 days later.

I just don't feel like anything is helping. I can't stand to even look at myself, and it's so hard going out. I just feel like everyone is looking at me, even though I know they aren't. I'm totally comfortable in therapy, I am just so frustrated with the process. I just feel so hopeless and sad and I'm so sick of putting my family through all of this. But I'm also so sick of trying to pretend I'm ok when I'm not. At all.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 2:07pm

~hugs~

<3

 

Nightangel
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 7:56pm

You have the right to heal.  I know it is hard on your family and it is hard on you but no one understands what you are going through unless they have been through something very similar.   I am thankful that my family doesn't understand exactly what I am going through because it means they have been spared the same horror. 

Congratulations on not SI since May.  That's a good long stretch of time.

Pretending is like telling a lie.  Pretending every minute of every day is one exhausting lie.  We do it because we have to protect ourselves.  I totally understand that part of it but as human beings we all have an intense desire to be real or genuine.  There in lies the problem.  We have to pretend to stay sane and safe, yet pretending goes against our nature and staying safe is also part of our nature.  We get stuck in this loop.   You can get to a place where what happened to you takes a back seat.  It can become just another chapter in your personal history.  It will take work though.  I can tell you are willing to do that work. 

I once walked into therapy and started off with, "I'm pissed off."   You know my therapist would always start with the "how are you today" sort of thing and I told her I was pissed off.  She asked why and I went on to tell her that I felt stuck.  I felt like I needed to be pushed harder.  I went on a twenty minute rant.  When it was done she said we would do things a little differently and we did and it did help me move along. 

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