Feel like I'm being used...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2011
Feel like I'm being used...
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 5:15pm

Need advice....I am married with three children, and we recently let my mother and step-father move in with us temporarily (for "about a month") they said, until they could get some things straightened out in their own home.  My mother is having health issues, and she said it would be better for her to be in an environment where she felt like she could recover.  She popped this on me (the request) the day that she was being discharged from the hospital, so I didn't really have time to think it over.   My mother and I have never been extremely close, but I thought it was the "right thing to do."  We converted our downstairs office (which we need badly) into a fifth bedroom, and they have been staying in there for two months now.   The reason she wanted a change of environment is because they let my grown sister move in with them a year ago, with her four children and now they don't want to make her leave.  Basically she has taken over their home, so much so, that she felt she did not want to return there upon discharge from the hosptial.   My sister lets her children have the run of the house, and they have destroyed most of her furnishings, leave garbage lying around, and caused some type of damage to their central air conditioning, and that is the major reason that she moved in with me.  My home is clean and cool, and they needed time to repair some things in their own home.     Keep in mind, that my mother and stepfather, while not rich, are not without resources.  They actually have a decent home 2 blocks from the beach, and it's plenty big enough for two people, but not seven.   They just have a big problem with letting some of my siblings take advantage of them, and they repeatedly make bad decisions that have costs them lots of money and grief.  My sister lives there rent free, even though she works, and half the time she is gone...while her eldest daughter watches the three small children, not to mention they are not even in school...even though they are supposed to be.  My mother seems to be "okay" with this.  I am not, but I am told to be quiet, by my mother and leave it alone.  My big problem is that I feel like we (my husband and I) are being used.   Since she and my step-father moved in with us, she stays in her room and never comes out.  Part of the reason she moved in with us (she says) is because she wanted to be able to get out, walk around and get stronger, something she says she couldn't do in her own home, due to my sister's children leaving stuff lying around all the time.  Instead, I never see her.  If she wants something, she calls me from her cell phone, even though she's 50 feet from me in the next room.  When we ask them what their "plan" is...as far as making my sister move out, so they can have their own home back, they avoid us.  This was supposed to be a temporary move, and it has caused a lot of changes in our schedules and lives, but they don't seem to be going anywhere fast.  My husband has difficulty working because he gave up his home office, and we are constantly on a schedule because they don't even eat meals with us; they do everything apart from us...what little that is... so it's a big rotation for everything.  We jump up from the table after dinner as quickly as we can, because we know my stepdad will be wanting to come in and cook a second meal.  They also don't respect our schedules.   They stay up all night and sleep all day, but we have bedtimes, school and work.  (my step-dad only works a couple of days a week)  We have had to go downstairs and tell them to turn their TV down because our daughter was trying to sleep and could hear it all the way upstairs.  We also feel like we have to watch everything we do and say.  I was lying in bed with my husband the other day, and fortunately was covered, but here comes my stepdad at our door and while he knocks briefly..he still walks right in..and  I'm lying there.  They drink all of our coffee, use our supplies, gas, and the like,  and while I would never ask for anything..they sure haven't offered.  I am the primary wage earner for my family, and we don't have an abundance of money lying in the bank, so this is extra for us.  I suppose I would be more okay with this is if I felt like she actually moved in for the reasons she said, and we were actually helping her. and also if I actually saw them making efforts to improve their own home so they could move back in, but they're not doing anything.  They stay in bed, in there room,24 hours a day.  He hasn't bothered to fix the AC in their own home, or make any repairs or cleaning to it. Instead I feel like my sister, once again, has manipulated a situation where it's easy for her.....rent free living...but difficult for everyone else.   It's driving us nuts.  I'm not sure how to handle this.  Advice please. 


Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 8:22pm

I agree with San, you need to give your mother and stepfather a deadline to move out of your house. Where they go from there is their concern, not yours. You have done plenty by letting her "recover" in your home for two months, it was very generous of you to take them in, but now its time to get back to your family's schedule. Since they have a home to go to they shouldn't need a lot of notice, by Oct 15 is plenty but if you said by Oct 3 it would be enough. Don't get drawn into their problems about your sister in their home etc---they chose to do let her move in. They're now trying to do the same thing to you so you need to shut it down, like they should have done with your sister. If she gets mad at you you'll have to shrug it off...you are being used.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 6:50pm

She's definitely not caring whether she moves or not....you need to put your foot down and give them a move out date.  We aren't responsible for our parents....some may disagree...but she needs to be put on a tight schedule and she also needs to contribute rent until she goes.  She said you aren't very close to her so this shouldn't be a problem.  Guaranteed she is going to guilt you into staying there but you have to be strong!  You should not have agreed on this from the beginning. 

Sometimes doing what we think is the "right" thing turns out it's not healthy for everyone involved.  You have to think of your family first and foremost!