How do you deal with jealousy?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How do you deal with jealousy?
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 10:57pm

I'm not typically a jealous person. In fact, I've gone so far as to suggest an open marriage with my H - an idea he rejected.

However, I do struggle with jealousy toward AP's W. Ironic, eh?

Especially now that they just had a baby together. It's hard not to feel envious, particularly since she can give him something I never can - an uncomplicated family. Although I'd say I'm attractive and successful, his W is too.

I try not to make it a competition, because truthfully, I've already lost that game... clearly - she's married to him! But, sometimes I can't help it. 

He once said, "I spend 99.9% of my time with another woman, but 100% of the time my heart and thoughts are with you."

I believe him - but that just makes it worse. I wish I had more than 0.1% of his life and am jealous of the woman who does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:33am

Even if you were winning on paper, it might give you some satisfaction because you're a competetive person, but it doesn't change the situation.  xAP isn't attracted to his SO.  We have the physical/emotion/spiritual connection - he doesn't share that with her because their personalities and values are so different.  The only way she would "win" on paper is that she makes more $ than me.  He's crazy in love with me, but he's never going to leave.

I've dwelled on him "choosing" her over me a lot in 6 yrs.  It's hard to not view it that way and it's also incredibly unhealthy.  I keep trying to make sense of something that I'll never understand.  I agree with pleases (I know he likes that :smileywink:) that just because that's where he's living doesn't mean anything.  At the same time, his W is who he's making plans with, talking about the future with, interacting with every day & laying next to every night.

No matter how you try to rationalize it or justify it, it's not going to change the way it is.  You can't look at it as a problem that, if you just find the answer to, it will pay off.  I think we do that to feel we have some control of a situation in order to detach from the feelings we're having about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:44am


Thanks for clearing all of that up. It is very important to have that connection with someone. And part of that is indeed the physical and sexual attraction. As well as is that emotional pull and intellectual stimulation. I want that 'all over' arousal so to speak. Just not sure if it is really possible to find it 'all' with one other person.


It is possible.  I think this is what a lot of us feel with our AP's.  Sometimes we get too caught up in the end result to appreciate how rare what we are experiencing is.  xAP has wondered if it is too intense to exist in the confines of a normal day to day R.

Hope you got some sleep!