Did my long term BF cheat, and what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2012
Did my long term BF cheat, and what should I do?
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 11:28pm
So my BF and I are in our early 30s and have been in a serious relationship for 5 years. Today he admitted to me that earlier this week, while out with some guy friends, they met some girls and hung out for a few hours. They all shared a ride home. He says he had been talking to one girl and they ended up sitting next to each other, and at some point he put his hand on her leg, just casually resting there for "a few seconds", as he put it. Then he said he realized what he was doing, stopped and that was it. When he told me about it today he was very tearful and remorseful, and says he doesn't know why it happened. He professed his love for me, how much he values our relationship,etc. I'm just wondering what you all think about this? I honestly am very hurt by it and consider it a form of cheating. Am I overreacting? I just can't get over the thought of him touching another woman, even for a few moments, in the same way he touches me. I should add that they had been drinking (not that it's an excuse). We have nev had any sort of infidelity or suspicion in our relationship before, so this caught me off guard. I think/thought we have a great relationship, and he swears our relationship had nothing to do with this. Can anyone (especially people who have experienced something similar) offer any opinions and advice? Thanks so much in advance....this hurts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 2:24am

I wouldn't consider this cheating and it wouldn't bother me at all.   

Quite frankly, the bit which would bother me is all the tears and remorse.   He's turning on a real Drama Queen act.  It was just a brief hand on a leg after all.  Forgive my cynicism, but could he be manipulating you to test your jealousy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 3:24pm

No I don't consider it cheating and I really wonder about his motivation in telling you & getting you upset.  Some people might have the "total honesty" policy & think they have to tell each other everything.  I think he should have been honest about going drinking w/ his friends and being in a car with some girls on the way home.  But unless you asked him "did anything happen?" and really why would you if you have had a good relationship for so long, this is something I really think he should have kept to himself.  Yes, it probably was wrong to touch the other girl's leg but touching a girl's leg for a few seconds if nothing else happened hardly seems worth mentioning to me.  I have this feeling that he was attracted to her, felt guilty about it and tried to expunge his guilt by confessing to you, being remorseful & telling you he's still in love with you &  it meant nothing--I think he's more trying to convince himself of that.  So he gets to relieve his guilt but it's making you feel sad & insecure.  Of course if he had kissed her or done something sexual, he should have told you, but I do think that it really served no purpose to tell you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:56pm
I agree with the idea that this sounds like a deliberate overreaction on his part, and subsequent admission of a lesser crime then what really happened. I'm not 100% sure, but it really does sound fishy. Not to say the reality was actually much worse like full blown sex, but maybe incrementally worse, like kissing for example. Just something to consider.

In any case, if this is indeed what really happened, then its still an overreaction and no i would not consider it cheating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:16am
I also have to wonder WHY he even mentioned it to you if all it was was a brief touch of her leg. And then to get all remorseful and tearful over just this, well something seems off here. I have to give him kudos though for even admitting this to you in the first place as most men would never have even mentioned a small indiscrection like this. Probably a good sign that he loves you enough to have a conscience about doing anything that would hurt you. I say let this one go, but you may want to thave a talk about boundaries in you relationship. And one of them should probably be not riding home with strange women he (they) pick up somewhere. Just as i'm sure he would not want you getting in cars with strange men you just met.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:04pm

Umm, me personally, I would definitely NOT be ok with my man putting his hand on another woman--like that, a quick hug sure but just simply "resting his hand" on another womans leg for a "few seconds" is an a**hole move, if you ask me. Why does he feel the need to flirt like that? Also his being so tearful and remorseful, would make me suspect that something further might have happened too. But since we can't go based on assumptions here, I would give him another chance, commend him for being honest BUT he would need to know now that those actions will not be tolerated anymore and the next time he feels the need to be THAT flirtatious with another woman, he'll be single. I wonder how he would feel if the tables were turned, if YOU were to be that flirtatious and put your hand on another mans leg, I dont think he'd like that too much. But regardless, my opinion is he needs to know what YOU consider to be crossing the line when it comes to his interactions with other women and NOW would be the time to express that before anything happens.