I feel so used, is this normal?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I feel so used, is this normal?
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 1:51am

First off, I hope I am posting this on the right board!

I am quite new to this but what I am feeling well, I just don't understand. I started out late in this 'dating thing'...I am in my early 40s and I am a bit confused.

A little about me...I am, like I said, in my early 40s, never married, no kids, and this is my first time dating - if that's what you call it. My mother passed away at a relatively young age and I had to raise my teenage sister and brother. .. No time for silly things like dating. Well, I am glad to say, everyone is grown up and on their own. Now I guess it's my turn.

To the point: I met a guy, 10 years younger than me, through a friend/co-worker. He has a great personality, very intelligent and has a lot of interesting hobbies. I do want to make clear we never officially dated...more like FWB (that's what my friend calls it) as we just go out to eat, movie and then it's back to his place for a romp in the hay.

However one thing that took me by surprise is that one day I was at his place and and he had told me that he was seeing someone else and was in love and this was going on quite a while -- all the while we were casually seeing each other. So how could he be in love and seeing me?  I knew it was not serious and for me it was just getting me out there...he knew that as well.But why didn't he just tell me 8 months earlier when it all started and he was seriously dating someone, I would have just said my good byes, parted friends and that would have been all.

But now I feel so used. Is this normal?I mean, normal for me to feel used and normal for guys to do this? Is this what I should expect others to do? 

..in case you were wondering, NO I did not lose my virginity to him...I did date when I was in my early 20s but took a long sabatical..

Thanks for listening.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 2:47pm

No I don't think it's normal or typical at all for a guy who is supposedly in love with someone to have a woman on the side for FWB--I'm sure his GF wouldn't like it.  When you said you went out to eat & movies, isn't that a date?  It seems like it to me.  Did you have a discussion w/ him at the beginning where he said that he didn't want a relationship & only wanted FWB kind of thing?  If so, then you really have no right to feel used since that's what you agreed to.  You said you only wanted some experience getting "out there" so that's what you got.  When people have a FWB relationship it's implied that they have no commitment to each other & can see other people.  I do not think it's a good idea for you to have that or accept that kind of limited relationship since it doesn't seem that's what you really want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 12:31pm

Unfortunately, yes, it is normal. FWB relationships are very much "in" now--but almost always end in heartbreak. One is better off avoiding such arrangements.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 3:27am

This is a big problem in the FWB scene. No matter how you sugarcoat it, eventually some level of feelings will develop on either sides. Going out to eat, movies and romps are actually dating activities, even though you are trying to delussion yourself in stating that you never officially dated.

You never asserted to him that you were looking to progress into a more serious relationship, so he took the FWB status for what it is: A mutually beneficial friend relationship which allows both parties to have a "patch" in their love life while open to seeking a partner that they feel that they can commit to.

It is normal and happens on both sides of sexes. Both will use FWB status to patch up their loneliness, whether it be drive for companionship, romance or sex. The only problem is, those aspects are really what make up most legitimate relationships and sooner or later, one party will start to develop feelings. Once the other party gives you the cold shoulder, you will feel used, even though everything was done under the FWB guise. This is not exclusive to either sex. Men have the capacity to develop the same feelings in a FWB relationship, but women will have a number of reasons for giving the cold shoulder, many of which are the same as men's reasons (ie: not ready for full relationship, eventual marriage, kids, career, looking for a person with different personality traits, etc.)

The best you can do is to clearly lay out ground rules in any FWB relationship. If youre looking to date, then date and do not settle for one night stands or fwb's. If youre looking for a romp, this is where fwb's come in, but never mix both types. It is a recipie for eventual disaster.