Sex and the older man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sex and the older man
7
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:59am

I posted this on another board, but I am hoping to find some men to respond to this.  I really want help from the male perspective. I have gf's to give me advice, but that is our point of view. I know my view! That is not going to help me understand how to deal with the male ego and sex.

I have started seeing a man whom I really like. We enjoy spending time together and so far, so good.  Sex is good, but I am more adventurous than he is.  I have no idea how to "teach" him without injuring his ego.  He was married for 20+ years and I think his ex was into more vanilla sex, very little foreplay, and sex was all about the intercourse and orgasm.  He doesn't seem comfortable talking about sex, although he is loosing up a little.  Although when we get playful verbally, he will back down when the banter goes too far. (Which isn't very far!)  

I am not into anything really kinky, although I guess to some it is.  I belive the sex should be fun, playful and be about more than just "doing it".  I do not want to freak this poor man out.  He seems uncomfortable touching my anywhere but my breasts, and either has never preformed oral or doesn't like it, because the appears out of the question at this point. He does enjoy a blow job, but so far does have not reciprocated.  I try to slow things down, spend time paying attention to all of his body, but he doesn't seem to get the message that way. I do not have a problem being open, but he seems to, so I don't want to have him run screaming!

I told him from the beginning how much I enjoy sex and am very open to what he wants. I think he has never done anything more than vanilla, but I know damn well that there are thoughts rolling around in his head.  He is a man after all! We come from too diffierent backgrounds, his is very much male orientated. And I know his ex was an addict for the last 10 years of their marriage so there wasn't a lot of sex anyway. He is a kind man, makes me laugh, relaxing to be with, doesn't play head games, and so the differences sexually are not so horrible that it's worth ending the relationship.  But I do enjoy a healthy sex life and think we can be REALLY good together.  I just don't know how to get there without scaring the poor man!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 6:51pm

Hi

  Welcome to the board!

    You did not give an age so it is difficult to say what his sexual conditioning is/was.  Much does depend on what he has experienced in the past and his attitude about the sex and women.  It might be good to move some what slowly to ascertain his comfort and passion zones.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:26pm
he is 48. His body parts function quite well! He just doesn't seem to have that much experience in sex. No problems with stamina, just doesn't seem to know about foreplay. How to do it, or that it exists! He is a wonderful man, kind, generous and thoughtful. I don't think he ever had a woman to learn these things with, or maybe even a woman who enjoyed sex. He is too good a man to let this get in the way of things. I don't need swinging from the chandeliers, but a little more time and attention would be good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:47pm

Thanks for all the links! I will take some time to look at each of them.

Funny thing is, I have been a teacher! Sex education at that!  Middle school. Teaching sex ed is very different than teaching sex to a man.  I did not teach the how to's, I taught how NOT. Taught the reasons to be in a sexual relationship and possible the reasons not to be in one.  

I am aware that not all men know all the sexual moves, this is why I am asking the question on how to teach him. I am aware our experiences are very different and that he is a "meat and potatoes" man.  While I understand that he may not reach "my standard", that is not my intention.  I think we can all agree that while sex is not the end all be all of a relationship, it is important. Having said that, having a sexual relationship that is fun, satisfying and caring, is a wonderful part of a relationship.  

Men are no different than women, they are not all alike, do not like or do the same things, or have the same experiences that bring us to the same place.  What I would like is to help him relax and enjoy our sex. Take the time to enjoy the pleasure of making love to someone you care about. Not bring in toys, gadgets, ropes, and whips.  Wouldn't say no to any of that, but I don't care if he isn't into any of that. 

I enjoy being touched in certain ways, kissed in certain places and to take time to enjoy each other's bodies.  I would like to teach how to make each other happy.  I understand what it is like to be with someone who wants more than you think you can do sexually, I do not want him to feel that way. I have never been in a situation where I felt I was being over whelming to someone sexually. I don't want to scare him, I want to build a relationship with him.  

He and I were both married over 20 years.  I have been out of my marriage longer than he has. I have had some experiences with some wonderful men who helped me learn to relax, enjoy and that sex could be just plain fun.  I don't want to hurt his ego, I want us to be together and enjoy sex and all that it can be,  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 2:22pm

Yeah,  American sex ed leaves a lot to be desired.  But there is so much more.  Try reading the full Karma Sutra(a etiquette book actually), Anaga Ranga, Perfumed Garden etc.  Study Tantric sex! 

IMO askmen and the others are PC pablum.  They do not speak for most men nor are they timeless.  They are PC and for the PC generation.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2000
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 10:32pm

Try to open the subject when you're not in bed together.  If you do it when he is (however clumsily) trying to make love to you, you may make him feel incompetent and, thereby, put him off sex with you altogether.

Rent a movie that turns you on, but nothing too extreme..  (Exit to Eden, for instance, not Story of O.)  Go to a provocative play.  Read an erotic novel, tell him about it and mark the good parts for him.  Generally, just introduce him to new things in a non-threatening manner and try to gradually open him up.