Oh, the irony....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Oh, the irony....
9
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 12:43pm

I found this board while trying to find strength to continue my NC that is now day 7.  Long (10 year) story short...I met *Jack less than a year after being widowed.  I was NOT looking for a relationship but he totally pursued me and I gave in.  I knew from the get-go that he was not legally divorced, it was just a matter of time.(according to him)  Since I was not looking for serious after coming out of losing my hubby, I was ok with that at first.  10 years later, after making MY life his life, my friends his friends and my family his family and countless times i begged him to make it legal I caught him cheating on me with a friend he reconnected with on a social networking site. She is married, has been for years with a family and life that I can't imagine she will be willing to give up for him.  Is this my karma for loving a man that never legally divorced his wife? (I know he had not lived with her or had physical contact with her in many, many years.)  I blasted him and said some really ugly things when I ended the relationship and have not heard from him in 7 days, nor have I tried to contact him. Cold turkey non-communication is so hard when you have talked to someone 5-10 times a day and spent so much time together. I guess I just need re-assurance that I CAN recover from this and learn to forgive myself.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 1:43pm

Yes you can.

As people get older and odd circumstances, the lines of his marriage certainly get a lot grayer.  When he broke the exclusivity of your relationship that all changes.

You may very well want to also read so other boards that may also help you keep you real in viewpoint.  Betrayed Spouse Board, and All Sides board.

You are now in a very hard place, the first weeks of a break-up.  Good luck to you in journey. If you continue this is a very good place to find support and the how-to's of making the break from you XAP.

Welcome, and glad you found us.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 1:47pm
Hi and welcome. I don't believe in karma as you described it. Sometimes we simply fall in love. Ideally, this happens when both parties are available for a relationship that can be conducted out in the open. Unfortunately, as you can see from the tremendous need for the support offered on this board, this is not always the case. Feelings of love will keep us bound to a A relationship for way too long because reality is suspended in an A. It's an odd thing. We are convinced "somehow it will all work out." But then it doesn't and we are forced to live through the pain of an ending. It is excruciating and you have my sympathy. You may spend some time being hard on yourself because you spent so many years in an A and ending up without him. You are no different than many so take comfort in that at least. My xAP was never leaving his wife. I talked along with him but always knew. But still I hung around. Welcome to the club. In answer to your question, yes. It will get better. There will be pain, tears, and possible backsliding-breaking NC. Doing so always hurts because nothing ever changes and you have messed up your head all over again. Cheering you on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 1:47pm

Welcome ISHKB 

Let me start by assuring you that you WILL recover from this...all of us here are testament to that fact...even if we are still in the process.  What do you need to forgive yourself for?  Maybe for holding for so/too long?  Most here worked way to hard and way too long trying to keep their affair afloat long after it had drown...you are not alone.

We know it hurts...we understand the void left after giving over so much time to one person...making them our everything.  Generally, our first lesson learned.

We are a great community of women and men who understand where you are at and will support you through this. I hope you stick around and get to know us.  Ask for support as often as you need and don't be afraid to reach out to others to offer support...jump right in. Newbies have just as much to offer as anyone...sometimes just assuring another that you understand or are listening is supportive and welcome.

If you get a chance, check out our Healing Library.  It's chock full of insight and wisdom from those who have gone before you and also filled with the ways and means to heal and put this all behind you.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 3:30pm

Wow....so much support so soon after posting.  It is such a relief to be able to discuss this because there are so few people in my life that know the "whole" story.  He was such a big part of my life, never afraid to be seen with me in public so he was in every part of my life possible.  Even my dogs loved him!   Part of what I am feeling IS anger at myself for not ending this long ago and wasting so many years especially when I knew in my heart that if he wanted a legal divorce he would find a way to get one.  I promised my sister and my friends that I would chew off my hands up to the wrists if I was tempted to text or call him.  I have bit myself a time or two, but so far, so good. :smileyhappy: 

Thanks again for the encouraging words!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 4:02pm

A few bite marks are expected, and perhaps the loss of a finger or two...but you don't want to end up looking like Venus.  You can always delete him from your phone...and also block him from getting through just as a precaution.  This is all about protecting you now.

If you have an overwhelming urge to reach out to him, which would be silly considering he is your source of pain, come here BEFORE doing so...and we can talk you off the ledge.

Clarity


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 8:10am

Usually we all know that A are the same, just different details.

It's easy to understand why you thought you were in a loving, monogamous relationship.  No so usually when we go into an A. 

I think of you more of a betrayed person than a affair person.

Time is truly on your side.  The longer you go the better.

My favorite saying, Give time, time.  It works. 

In your case the longer you hang on, make No Contact a part of your life, the quicker you will heal. 

You were betrayed.  It happens a lot. Not much more to say.

Read, understand and live a new life.  It will come.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:37pm

Thank you for the straight-forward response.  I was betrayed and allowed myself because of the situation as it was, to not think about the A part of it.  I didn't allow myself to think about his wife because she had not been "in" his life for so long. (I still do not understand that...why she chose to stay married to him either)  But your sentence...."You were betrayed. It happens a lot. Not much more to say." really slammed it home.  It really is as simple as that.  All the obsessing in the world will never answer all the questions I have.  Especially the one that eats at me when I close my eyes to sleep...."why was he SO good to me, my friends, my family and insinuate himself so deeply into my life if he never intended to get the divorce?"

THAT is the question that makes me want to break NC the most....but I REFUSE to go backwards now.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:01pm

Believe me, many of us are left with unanswered questions.  I've seen it a thousand times, people break NC to try to get answers and they can never be sure they got a straight answer from one who had already proven that they speak with forked tongue...and they always seem to come back with more questions.  Whatever his reasons are for doing this and then doing that, really no longer matter in the grand scheme of things...it's over.  

I'm glad you recognize that breaking NC is only going backwards and not conducive to your healing and need to move forward and away.

((hugs))

Clarity

Say...do you have a nickname?  

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:37pm
I believe you are asking the wrong question. For whatever reason, your xAP didn't get divorced. You and xAP had what sounds like a good relationship. Obviously you cared for each other in order to be so intertwined all those years. He was in a R with you getting his needs met and you guys got along great. So, the question is: why wouldn't he be good to you?