How do you......?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
How do you......?
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 5:49pm

Being new here....I guess I just have a lot of questions.  My situation was so strange in that he had not lived with his wife in over 20 years...there had just never been a legal document stating that they were no longer married.  (how is that for avoiding the word d.i.v.o.r.c.e.?) Anyway, we were together for 10 + years.  He lived a distance away but was here EVERY weekend for the last 10 + years.  (he worked in another city and I traveled to his apt on the weekends he was not here) My friends, family and dogs accepted him.  (they didnt' know the pesky little detail of his status). It was easy for me to feel like this was NOT an affair as I am a widow and he was not and had not been living with his wife in YEARS before we ever met.  The reason it WAS an affair is the numerous times I asked (read begged) him  to fix the problem.  It made me so uncomfortable but it seemed to never bother him at all.  He treated my house like it was his, fixing anything that needed fixing, painting, name it.  I was as committed to him as if we were married, and he to me until something changed this Spring.  I have to believe that he knew I was getting more and more impatient with the situation and he knew he was going to have to get off the pot or...well, you know...and he chose to start up something with an "old friend" that is married and not about to leave her family (read money) for him. 

So, here's my problem.  For 10 + years I worried about him. He called at least 7 or 8 times a day..sometimes more and we discussed every second of our days with each other. (I guess he left out some stuff these last few months)  I worried everytime he left here, that if something happened to him I would never be notified.  I worried for 10 + years that he would NOT do what he promised and get the d.i.v.o.r.c.e.  EVERY SINGLE THING in this house and in my life reminds me of him because he was always HERE.  I groomed my dogs today and cried like a baby because he always helped me with that too. Even the day ....last Saturday...that I got the nerve to find the truth and then confronted him he was planning on going with me to help a friend of mine move. Was he stringing me along in case the new "thrill" relationship didn't work and I had been sucker enough to wait on him all this time....was he sure I would never question him? Why do I care if he misses me at all??? Would it matter if he did???  It crushes me to think that after talking that many times a day for 10+ years I will never hear his voice again.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY SELF RESPECT that I would even give what he is thinking a second thought? He was BAD for me. He was bad FOR me...even though he was so good TO me for so long.

The obsessing has got to STOP. Please tell me that I will eventually get over the hurt and move on to the mad....I think I can heal if I can get mad. :smileyindifferent:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 6:53pm

It's a loss, sweety...and you will just have to grieve it you've done for other losses you've suffered in your life.

I understand how grieving the loss over the death of someone is quite different from grieving the loss of someone who still walks the will just have to push through.

Counseling is an option if you feel you could use some professional guidance.

My counselor once told me that, when we suffer a loss, it makes our other losses start to 'jingle'...and sometimes we think that it is the last loss that is the cause of all this grief. That idea does not minimize the last loss...its just the horrible, overwhelming sense of loss and grief might be from an accumulation.      

You are not the first person who has ever been duped and who let things go on way too long and who obsesses...whether the relationship was good for you or not.  You had hopes and dreams that have been dashed as well...yet more to add to the loss list. Obsessing...for a all's pretty normal around here.  If your obsessing becomes back to that counseling idea.

I'm sorry there is no easy way out.  I can promise you though, that if you stay NC and allow time and distance to work their magic, you will grieve and move on.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 7:07pm

Thank you so is SO wonderful to hear these encouraging words from others who have been in similar situations.  I don't want to wear my friends out. Only one of them knows the whole truth...the others just are amazed that I would grieve over a man that would cheat on me after he appeared so committed to me. I am not the only one he fooled, they all loved him for how he treated me.  Now they are furious at him and ready for me to get over him.  If it was only that easy.  I will absolutely stick with the NC and hope that in time he will fade from my every waking moment and eventually be only a thought every once in a while.