Two Weeks After I Ended It: Wishing I Hadn't
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|Sun, 09-30-2012 - 10:53pm|
I've posted here before.
I had a tender, but short,3-mo. affair with a former colleague, who lives 500 miles away.
I am married w/ no children; A is separated and shares co-parenting of their three children with spouse. No divorce yet and may not happen for awhile.
I ended the A 2 weeks ago this Tues. I didn't see much of a future, outside of messages that continued to be lovely and welcome.
My bi-racial H has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) - probably situational as a result of growing up as a child in a bi-racial marriage. Life with him can be hell at times. He wakes up most mornings slightly annoyed, which then builds into anger, sometimes full-blown by nightfall. H never physically hits me, but is nearly always moody/angry/annoyed - depending on what sets him off during the course of a day. If you've ever seen "Sleeping with the Enemy" (a Julia Roberts film), he has some of the same traits that her H has in that movie.
H is charming to friends who don't know him well/nor his backstory, and they think he's a great guy. To them, he is charming and expresses interest in their lives. H has constant need for attention, flattery, adoration. He gets angry when another man compliments me or expresses any innocent form of attraction for me - and will deny my perception that a man just might be interested in me. H is never gentle or unconditionally loving toward me. Never compliments without my asking how I look, etc...
It will be two weeks on Tuesday since I ended my A, who graciously agreed to abide by my wishes for no contact. I had hoped that by now, the pain of ending it would diminish, but it hasn't.
I miss him so much, even though I know the situation isjust so very far from ideal. I want to reach out; to say something like, "this feels too much like my best friend died" or "I feel like someone shot my dog", but I fear he will not reply.
My few friends with whom I've taken into my confidence on this have begged me to not reach out to my A and so far, I haven't.
Concurrently, I began therapy to work through the challenges of my marriage - and facing the complexities in my life situation in-general (all the responsibilites that are intertwined with a marriage - mortgages, bills, taxes, and so much more). I have been feeling paralyzed about these things.
In the end, I know this is not the life I want for the next 30-40 years I have on this earth. Before the A, I was dealing with it. After the A, it has suddenly become an almost unbearable situation, from which I desperately want to just run away.
I'm not sure I have the strength to keep me from reaching out to my A, so I guess I am looking for your advice - on what you would do/thoughts on the wisdom of reaching out.
Thanks so much.