Jaded and never trusting people again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Jaded and never trusting people again!
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:18pm
So it's been 3 months since I moved. 5 more weeks left until the end of my 90 day probation at work. Enjoying cooking on my own & making new things (darn stove is broke!). When metro runs, it's great to check out activities @ the National Mall. Met one my fav authors @ the Book Festival last weekend!

I was really hoping that once I live on my own, I'll actually meet someone. I thought I did. Last night, I finally wore my glasses & he told me that I looked beautiful in them. He even got mad when a Vonage salesman rudely asked me if I had ever considered LASIK. He wanted to complain to a manager about that. I thought I finally met the "one." Especially when he asked me if my parents knew about him, wanting to meet them, etc.

Luckily, the wheels in my head turned and logic/gut instinct prevailed. Considering we've barely gotten to know each other in a month, I sensed something didn't add up.

Today, I got him to come clean and admit that he was only interested in me because of the convenience it would bring to him...I am a US citizen and he is still waiting for his green card. I can understand and even sympathize with his frustration but I am shocked at his selfishness and attitude. He really thought that I would agree to such a thing and didn't expect me to want to date.

He didn't understand what I meant about spending time together and getting to know one another. Basically, I now realize that he's not attracted to me (still wonder if he's gay since all he ever does is shop) and only took me out to get groceries or the mall or stores because he didn't want to spend money on me on a real date (he did pay for lunch/dinner at Mom's organic something, Panera, Chipotle). I'm glad to have discovered this now but am so depressed, sad, frustrated.

Why does the Universe & God continue to bring these type of guys in my life? Is it too much to ask to meet a decent, honest trustworthy guy who doesn't have hidden agendas ("fun" or green cards)? Why can't I meet someone real? I finally meet someone in real life on my own and it turns out that he was just using me! I'm so hurt and frustrated. I find it quite ironic that he kept telling me these horror stories about guys on H-1B visas and US citizens isn't true when that's exactly what he was doing!

One thing's for sure...now I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT going to give any Indian guy on H-1B a chance ever again! Green card holders maybe but not people on work permits. They are all out to use citizens without any thought about our feelings!

Btw, I am NOT materialistic and don't like to spend money myself but I do think that two people should get to know each other and find out if they have common interests, compatible, etc. I mean, if you don't want to spend any $ on a date, it's fine. There are plenty of free museums & the National Zoo to go to together! It's not rocket science! But he didn't even want to make the effort to do that!

I find it scary that there are guys like him who are so desperate to stay in US (even though jobs are in India) that they are willing to marry for convenience without thinking about things like compatibility! God, I
dodged a bullet.

There is a reason I am very distrustful. I told my parents to tell their friends that there's a reason why so many of us Indian-American women are single into our 30's.

I'm glad that I'm not so desperate that I would settle and accept such a marriage!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:15pm
Aww, that is awful! That guy is a loser! There are better men out there, you just need to be careful. Good for you for trusting your instincts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 12:41am

I'm not a relationship expert but I come from a family of women that have been burned by men. My dad was bipolar, my grandma's sister what shot by her druken sherriff husband, my uncle left my aunt on their 25th anniversary, and my mom has been married to two other men that turned into lazy bums after she married them. I remember thinking how am I ever going to find a good man when I'm not sure they exsist. I've been with my husband for 9 years and married for two. Is his perfect? uh no! But after seeing so many failed relationship I finally realized we grow with this cinderella story idea of what men should be and that just isnt realistic. When I finally stopped looking for my " prince charming" it seem easier to meet decent men and i found my hubby. Whether its healthy or not I always say  " I don't give men that much credit" ...it doesnt mean you should be walked over, abused, or even scammed like you almost were. But you develop a different perspective of men and realize they are not perfect and very few are going to give us that "Cinderella experience" I dont mean this in a negative manner just in my case he helped me to start looking at men in the perspective of he's not perfect but his good qualitys out number that bad. Don't know if this is any help but I'd thought I'd share what helped me. Best Wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:36am
Thanks. I don't expect perfection or Cinderella fairy tale romance. I only expect/require that I be treated with respect! I don't even require people to spend lots of money on me or buy me anything. You would think that people would like me for being that simple!

My standards are not that high. Someone within my age group, same religion, educated (not any specific school, degree, field), medium height since I'm short and most of all common interests. Notice that I don't require specific earning range or coming from wealth or extremely good-looking or other superficial things.

Chemistry & physical attraction is obviously important but after my latest bad experience, I remain firm in my belief that character is the most important thing. I don't expect anyone to give me everything or sweep me off my feet or be so nice, thoughtful, sweet, caring, considetate all the time. That's not realistic. I don't even know if I believe in love at first sight. I think I still believe it's possible to find love and experience it but I think it comes after some time not right away like in movies or fairy tales.

I'm not looking for Prince Charming-just someone who wants to be with me for me and likes me for who and what I am not what I have. Someone who shares similar interests, goals, desires. Is that asking too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:49am

Benilaw.. I know exactly how you feel and what you a re saying and you got duped? We all get duped and it goes both ways for men and for women.. You just got a bad apple and you saw it and you got out.. Many times in life we will meet good and bad as you know.. The good thing is that we can bow out of a bad relationship if we want. the key is to step out as soon as possible..Doesnt mean you might not meet this kind of guy again...

Throughout my life I attracted some very shady guys and I married my 2H who was abusive.We got divorced and thank goodness I got out when I did and those are our choices.. We make good ones and bad ones..

Right now being I am aging and the dating pool is shrinking I have a facebook crush who is bit younger. He is friends with my cousin and he likes to IM me and chat.. Okay. No harm in that.. He had asked me to lunch once but I couldnt go so I am now hoping he asks me again..He did ask me to visit him wh en he moves .. dont know if he is serious but I said sure.. I keep trying to see if he wants to get together but so far nothing.. He is a nice guy though but not that great looking and has issues but I would rather pick him than some jerk. He comes with  h igh credentials...and someone I would love to get to know even with his flaws. He is also over 6 feet and I am 5 feet 3.. I wonder if he knows?? (lol)

My point is maybe your expectations are too high as mine were a thousand years ago but we need to be more flexible and all.. Not to say that of course there are serious deal breakers like abuse and respect and all and not to make light of your situation but maybe it is time to re-evaluate it all. I dont want to make you feel bad but these are just suggestions as the dating world is very tricky and people all over are just nutty.

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 12:19pm
it is rough out there in the dating world. Try going to upscale places as you will meet a higher class of men (hopefully). Don't give up. I agree with you that dating for a long time to really get to know each other is important. Find out about his past as this is important for you. I wish you well. Please keep us posted. take care, Pita64
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 3:27pm


It's good your instincts kicked in in time. I hate it when people use others this way. I know that this has really dented your trust in people but there are still some good guys out there and I hope you will meet one soon who will want you for you.  I am glad you would not settle for such a marriage. You are worthy of someone who will genuinely love you for you.