Anger after infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Anger after infidelity
7
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:30pm

My fiance& I were together for 11 years and have a child together. He cheated and the woman stated that she had his child. Our relationship became really stressful.  When I confronted him with this he at first denied it all together. Then he admitted sleeping with her but says the child was not his; I was willing to work through it but he just shut down, no communication. I decided to move out and then he finally apologized and said he wanted to work on it. We went to therapy separately and I saw small changes in him and I began to change to, to trust my instincts and be happy again. We started to work things out only to discover he was dating other women, he then fold me it was just one date. I really do love many things about him but I cannot get over the feeling he's still up to the same things as before. I even went through his phone and saw that he was texting other women. Im so hurt and angry all the time. How do I get past this???? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 12-27-2013 - 6:52pm

Sxybiatch77 - serial cheaters cheat because we stay.  Value yourself enough to believe you deserve the best.

Once  upon a time I was you, I stayed and now 38 years later, nothing has changed except the number of women he has slept with, oh and the illegitimate daughter I knew nothing of til she was 16.

If you were your best friend, what advice would you give her?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:38pm

sxybiatch77 wrote:
<p>My fiance&amp; I were together for 11 years and have a child together. He cheated and the woman stated that she had his child. Our relationship became really stressful.  When I confronted him with this he at first denied it all together. Then he admitted sleeping with her but says the child was not his; I was willing to work through it but he just shut down, no communication. I decided to move out and then he finally apologized and said he wanted to work on it. We went to therapy separately and I saw small changes in him and I began to change to, to trust my instincts and be happy again. We started to work things out only to discover he was dating other women, he then fold me it was just one date. I really do love many things about him but I cannot get over the feeling he's still up to the same things as before. I even went through his phone and saw that he was texting other women. Im so hurt and angry all the time. How do I get past this???? </p>

I think you have to ask yourself if you like the person you have to become in order to justify this relationship and having this man in your life. 

Do you like being distrustful? Do you like having to assuage the fix of going through his phone and cell records? Do you like how you look as you're frantically going in behind him?  Do you like feeling out of control? Do you like the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Do you like being hurt and angry all the time?

 The answer to that will tell you how to get past this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:35am

I have been thinking about just this recently.  About if my H would cheat again, what would I do?  And the answer is easy. I would be gone the moment I found out.  It was difficult to give him a chance to redeem himself and to rebuild after ONE affair.  And to open up again to someone after being betrayed so horribly by them has been the biggest challenge of my life - I could not do it again.  But his reasons for the A were: stress at home and at work, problems conceiving a child and clinical depression.  If he were to cheat again, I would realize that those things were indeed NOT the reason and that he is just a "serial cheater" as other posters have stated.  It sounds to me like your partner is up to old tricks yet again.  Is that worth your time?  You deserve more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 3:33am

You can't work with a serial cheater... He's just giving you empty promises, and you can't build a life based on lies, with a liar.  It's just going to cause you more grief.

Work on healing yourself, you need to see that you are worth more than that.  Personally to me, you can rebuild with a person who is remorseful, but you can't rebuild with a serial liar / cheater. 

Take care *hugs*

D-day : Aug 06, 2008.
Rebuilt. 
Got pregnant, have a babygirl 3.5 years after d-day.  So now we are a family of 4 :)

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 12:00pm
don't try to get past this. This guy is not worth your time or trouble. He is a serial cheater.