GOING THRU HUSBANDS 2ND INFEDELITY IS THERE A CHANCE OF SAVING THE MARRIAGE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
GOING THRU HUSBANDS 2ND INFEDELITY IS THERE A CHANCE OF SAVING THE MARRIAGE
6
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 12:49am

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS AND H FIRST AFFAIR WAS AFTER WE'D BEEN MARRIED FOR 7 YEARS (TYPICAL 7 YR ACHE I SUPPOSE) WITH A WOMAN I BEFRIENDED DUE TO HER GOING THRU A DIVORCE AND HAVING ALOT OF DIFFERENT PROBLEMS. MY FRIENDS DIDN'T LIKE HER BUT I TOLD THEM SHE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME AND TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT. SO THEY TOLERATED HER FOR ME. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I FOUND OUT THRU PHONE RECORDS ABOUT THE AFFAIR  THEY BOTH CLAIM THE MOST THEY DID WAS KISS AND HEAVY MAKING OUT.  THEY TRIED ONCE TO HAVE SEX IN HIS TRUCK BUT ONCE THEY HAD GOTTEN NAKED HE COULDN'T.  I SUPPOSE THE GUILT KEPT HIM FROM GETTING AN ERECTION. OR MAYBE THEY HAD HAD ORAL SEX AND HE HAD ALREADY HAD AN ORGASM. IDK.  REGARDLESS THEY TALKED VULGAR THRU TEXTING AND MET SEVERAL TIMES AND MADE OUT FOR SURE.  I'M SURE MORE HAPPENED THAN THEY ADMITTED TO.   WE WENT TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING AND I DECIDED NOT TO LET THIS DESTROY ALL OF OUR LIVES.  ALTHOUGH IT WAS HARD AND IT TOOK TIME I EVENTUALLY WAS ABLE TO PUT IT ALL BEHIND US AND MOVE FORWARD WITH OUR LIFE TOGETHER.  NOW FAST FORWARD 6 YEARS AND I'M BACK AT SQUARE ONE.  FRIDAY WE WENT TO A CONCERT AT A LOCAL RESTAURANT/BAR AND MY H KISSED MY YOUNGER SISTER WHO IS 21.  HE IS 36.  THE THING IS WE RAISED HER SINCE SHE WAS 10.  SO THIS IS REALLY GROSSING ME OUT.  HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM AND HAS FOR MANY YEARS.  HE DOESN'T DRINK ALL THE TIME BUT WHEN HE DOES HE DOESN'T STOP UNTIL HE BOUT PASSES OUT.  EVERYTIME HE GETS DRUNK LIKE THAT WE ALWAYS HAVE BIG PROBLEMS.  AFTER THE FIRST AFFAIR HE QUIT DRINKING FOR YEARS,  HE EVEN STARTED GOING TO CHURCH AND EVEN QUIT CUSSING.  HE WAS A CHANGED MAN.  THAT IS WHAT MADE ME BELIEVE THAT WE COULD MOVE FORWARD AND SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.   BUT NOW THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED I JUST DON'T KNOW.  HE AND SHE WERE ALONE FOR MAYBE 15 MINUTES.  HE WAS DRUNK AS A SKUNK, AND I HAD LEFT TO PICK UP MY SON. THE CONCERT WASNT QUITE OVER AND IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GET MY SON FROM HIS FRIENDS.  THE CONCRT ENDED BEFORE I RETURNED AND H SAT DOWN AGAINST A TREE  MY SISTER SAT DOWN BESIDE HIM.  HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND HER AND PULLED HER CLOSE TO HIM AND KISSED HER ON THE MOUTH. SHE SAID SHE PULLED AWAY BUT COULD TELL WHAT KIND OF KISS IT WAS. SHE TOLD HIM U ARE LIKE MY DAD, THATS NOT COOL.  AND SHE SAID HE SAID I KNOW BUT IM SO ATTRACTEDTO YOU, AND TRIED TO KISS HER AGAIN.  SHE THEN STOOD UP AND TOLD HIM TO STOP. AND THATS WHEN I DROVE UP.  SHE TEXT ME AS SOON AS SHE GOT IN THE TRUCK AND TOLD ME SHE HAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL ME ASAP.  WHEN WE GOT HOME SHE STARTED CRYING AND TOLD ME.  SHE DOESNT LIVE WITH US BUT WAS SPENDING THE NIGHT THAT NIGHT. HE SAYS HE SWEARS HE DOESN'T REMEMBER DOING THAT. HE SAYS HE'S HUMILIATED IF IT DID HAPPEN. I KNOW IT HAPPENED.  HE MAY OR MAY NOT REMEMBER BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER.  IT HAPPENED  I KNOW HE'S EMBARRASSED AND SHOULD BE.  MY QUESTION IS WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO. MY SISTER WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MY LIFE.  AND IF HE WILL TRY THAT WITH HER I'M SURE HE WOULD WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  HE WORKS OUT OF TOWN WITH FEMA FROM TIME TO TIME SO IM DEF NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM.  I HAVE TO FIND A JOB AND I GUESS PUT MY 4 YEAR OLD IN DAYCARE.  WE LIVE ON HIS FAMILYS LAND BUT IM STAYING HERE FOR NOW.  ITS EASIER FOR HIM TO RELOCATE THAN ME WITH 4 KIDS.  RIGHT NOW THE PLAN IS FOR HIM TO STAY IN OUR CAMPER IN THE YARD TEMPORARILY UNTIL HE FINDS SOMEWHERE TO MOVE IT TO. AND WE ARE GOING TO SPEND SOME TIME APART UNTIL I DECIDE WHAT TO DO.  ANY ADVICE, SUGGESTIONS, OR COMMENTS WOULD BE APPRECIATED.  PLEASE READ MY PROFILE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ME AND MY SITUATION. THANKS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hugs tracieg1!  

IMHO your H needs to fix himself.  He needs help with his alcoholism (this includes not drinking), learning to set proper boundaries, accepting responsibility for his actions, respecting his wife and family and having empathy for others.  You can't 'make' him or 'help' him do this.  It must be of his own choice to find the help he needs and follow through with it.  Unless he does this I highly doubt that there is a chance of a successful marriage.  

What can you do?--  Call an attorney to find out where you stand financially.  Call alanon and go to the meetings. Get that job and/or go back to school so you can support yourself and your children. Call a counselor for yourself and your children.  Make a plan b for your future!  Your life is in your hands, take it back from this person who is just bringing drama into it.

I wish you the best,

Ollie

 

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Almost anything in this world has already been worked through by scholars and published in a book. You might consider insisting that your spouse and you read this together. There is also a workbook you can buy to go along with the course.

Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Thanks Ollie. I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow at 2 pm. I'm trying to find a counselor. I know everyone on here has felt the way I do at some point. But I don't know what to do. I love my H and can't imagine life without him. However I know I can't trust him. I'm 35 and I'm not getting younger. I don't want to waste time prolonging the inevitable. I keep saying over and over, I don't know what to do. I guess see the attorney and take one day at a time. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Thanks Patar. I will def read that book!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003

So sorry to hear that you are going through heartache again after all the hard work of recovering from the first time.  My husband has cheated twice as well.  Only in my case I did not learn about the first incident (with a friend was well), until the second affair came to light as well.  Had I KNOWN about the first one, and then he cheated again after going through all the hard work of trying to rebuild, I would not still be here.  Since i learned about it all at once, and that was the first chance to try and fix the problems in our marriage (also 13 years now), then I decided not to let all of it destroy the life I had tried to hard to build for my daughter.   We did counseling for 9 months, and we are moving forward with our life together.  But I have mad it very clear, that in no uncertain terms, if ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, ever happens again, with anyone, I am done.  In my book, you get ONE CHANCE to fix this.  After all the rebuilding, all the pain, if he makes the choice to do it again (whether drunk or not), it's over.  I think you're doing the right thing.  If drinking is an issue (which it was my for mine as well), then he needs to address that himself.  The fact that it was your sister, someone he helped raise, would just seal the deal for me. 

 

Again, so sorry for what you are going through.  Stay strong and I take care of yourself.