I'm having an affair and don't know how to stop it:(

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm having an affair and don't know how to stop it:(
9
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 12:12pm

Actually, I don't want to stop it.  I have been married for 15 years, we have 2 kids.  H and I have not had the greatest of relationships...mainly poor communication.  He's a great guy, great father and generally a nice person.  He works hard for our family.  We have not had sex for 6 years.  I have been having an affair for the past 7 months.  The OM lives far away, so it started out as an emotional affair at first.  Turned into something that I can't even begin to describe in terms of the love we have for each other.  I truly feel we are meant to be together.  I knew him from college, so it's not some random person that I "think" I'm in love with.

We are taking a break right now because I feel like I should make an effort in my marriage...problem is I am not in love with H.  I feel like I have to do this for my kids.  It would kill me if they were to look back and think I didn't at least try.  Does that make sense? 

I feel guilty becasue H and I had a talk...first one in years about us.  He wants to try and make it work.  I feel guilty because I don't.  I am in love with someone else.  How do I know that I've really put an honest effort into trying to make it work with H.  And how honest of an effort is it really if my mind and my heart is not into it?

I love my H, just not in love with him. 

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think if you really want to make the last ditch effort to see if you can save your marriage, you should--then if things don't work out, you will feel that you tried your best.  I think professional marriage counseling is necessary--it will help you figure out why you don't feel like you're in love w/ your DH any more even though he's a nice guy--a lot of times women have DHs who are abusive, mean, cheating, alcoholics, etc. so you could see why they don't want to be w/ their DHs.  Why haven't you had sex in 6 yrs?  That could certainly contribute to the problems--you are being deprived of love.  I also think you're smart to take a break from the college friend while you figure out your marriage because that will only confuse things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
So why have you and your H not had sex for 6 years? Was this his idea? It's odd that a man would go without sex for six years, unless of course he was physically unable to perform. Sounds more like a room mate situation than a marriage. Honestly though, as long as you feel you are "in love" with this other guy your marriage probably doesn't stand a chance uless you totally cut off all ties with the other man and concentrate soley on fixing your marriage, And remember it's very easy to be in love with someone you've only known a while and haven't had to live with on a 24/7 basis. You really don't know this guy like you think you do. Most affairs are based on the fantasy of what would be and don't ever work out when the affair turns into a real life relationship with a mortgage, kids and all the stressors that come with real life. You say he lives far away. Is he also married with children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I really think you have to look back at why the sex stopped w/ your DH besides saying "you don't know why."  Unless both of you just decided together that you didn't want to do it any more, it seems like the more common scenario is that one person asks, the other keeps refusing and then the other person just gets tired of being turned down--unless both of you had extremely low libidos and weren't having it very much anyway.  I think it's more than lack of communication--it sounds more like lack of caring and taking each other for granted.  And it's not only sex--did you also stop hugging & kissing and treating each other like a romantic couple and just started always talking about who is paying the bills & taking out the trash?  If you don't put effort into your marriage, the relationship is going to die out--and when I say "you" I don't mean just you, I'm including your DH.  That's why I think that if your DH genuinely is a good guy, you might be able to get the marriage back on track.  Just think about how you acted w/ your old friend--did you take him for granted, or did you act really nice to him and interested?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Realistically though, would the other guy be willing to move to where you live? I'm sure you would not want to take the kids and move them far away from their daddy. That would not be fair to them or their daddy. He has no kids so being a step father would be a big adjustment for him. Lots of things to think about here. Not a move to jump into because of intense feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Six years is an awfully long time to go without sex in a relationship. I am thinking that you have long ago decided your marriage was over and wrote it off in your mind. I would still see what your husband suggests to make things work. However, if it is too little too late, then you are best off telling him you need a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

Hi, Lisa,  unlike some of the other posters, I'll not try to psychoanalyze you because I'm not qualified.  I also won't try to fill in the holes that you have had and now have in your marriage.  Only you and your husband know those initmate details.  But I will tell you this.  You are a selfish and confused woman.  It is clear that your focus is not on problem solving for the good of your family.  You have a childish feelgood mentallity that keeps you from dealing with reality.  The only advice I will offer you is to get the support of a QUALIFIED marriage counselor and work to seek the intervention needed to get your marriage back on the right track.  From what you say, your husband is willing to.  What's your problem with that?  One more thought:  six years without sex and you and your LDR dude are hot to trot?  Knocking each others' sox off?  If you have been without sex for six years, you are a prime candidate to easily fall back into the same rut you have been in.  Genuine good luck, Craig.