Tiny crisis

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Tiny crisis
15
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 6:45pm

Okay, maybe too dramatic. Here's what happened. Xap and I met through my work several years ago. He did some contract work with us and I am the keeper of that information. It has sat for years in an electronic file. I never refer to it. Well, an international organization wants to use that material but, bureaucracies being what they are, there's paperwork that has to go with that. Unfortunately, I never had the original paperwork. So today's solution is for me to go back to him and get him to sign a waiver.

I have spent the day avoiding that approach. I finally asked my assistant to do it. Now I really should review that request before it goes out but I don't want to have anything to do with it. I've even said I don't need to be cc'd on it. I think that's all that's going to come from this but it has messed up my head. Because I haven't seen that email, I don't know if my assistant has mentioned me. I don't know if it wasn't worded well enough to prompt my xap to sign. There are so many unknowns and I don't like it.

The worst unknown is that I haven't been avoiding this because I don't want to break NC. I've been avoiding it because I had a thought early on today that this would be a legitimate excuse to break NC. And that treacherous thought was so depressing. I thought I'd run far enough but apparently not. Those thoughts are still there.

I've got a thousand things to do so I'm dashing out the door. I'll be back to scream into a pillow later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: worthmore
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:02pm
Recognizing a treacherous thought for exactly what it is and not rationalizing it into taking action and breaking contact: fabulous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
In reply to: worthmore
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:18pm
You are my hero...I am fighting the - is this a "legitimate excuse to break NC" dilemma myself...OXYMORON. Good for you Worthmore - as long as the assistant got the signature on the waiver, you don't need to know the details...in a few days it won't have the emotional weight it does now. Think about other business transactions, how they feel, and try to relegate this one to its well-deserved non-importance.
XO Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: worthmore
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:20pm
Worthmore, ugh, howong have you been NC now?
That.is a tough one, but you are doing the right thing.
And recognizing part of you still craves contact just makes you human. The important thing.ia that you did not act on it.

Mad props to you girlie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: worthmore
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:42pm

I know it can be scaring thinking you've reached a point where you no longer can get caught up in 'treacherous' thinking, and whammo!...incoming treacherous thought. Duck!

Thoughts are just thoughts...good or bad.  And when we don't act upon them...they remain just thoughts.

You said your assistant handled it...have faith that she handled correctly and give no further thought to it.

((hugs))

Clarity


 

 

  


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
In reply to: worthmore
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:17am
Actually it was a work contact so had you needed to oversee it, whilst unfortunate, would have been within necessary contact.

Great that you were able to delegate and avoid. So not sure treachery is an apt description?

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 7:38pm
This does keep on sucking. My assistant took care of yesterday's correspondence and then forwarded the conversation to me. I am embarrassed to say I pored over my xap's few words. It's funny. I don't miss him. I miss when things were friendly between us.

Unfortunately, more correspondence is needed but I've delegated that too.

But I didn't want to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:01pm

You didn't want to...but you did.

I'm sorry you are in this position..it really does suck..here's a ((((HUG))))) to help you through.

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: worthmore
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:53pm
You are.doing great Worthmore! You are really handling.it well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: worthmore
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:05am

I guess when we (finally) get to the point where we don't want to, we will know we have truly moved on.  But it takes time....

And,until then, we fake it until we make it. 

You're faking it beautifully!  Even though you want to do something, you are not doing it.

Tremendous!

~Sunrise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:58pm
I'm 96 hours into the 48 hour rule. I am two weeks shy of 8 months NC. I have absolutely no legitimate reason to contact xap. I am hanging on by my finger nails.

Here's what's stopping me so far:
- I want to get to 8 months of NC, and then 9 months, 10 months, etc.
- I try to work through how our conversation will go and it always ends the same (he would want to know when I was coming to his city to have sex with him and I would have to say that would never happen again and he would either try to change my mind or exchange 2.6 seconds more of pleasantries before ending the call) None of those outcomes make me happy so there doesn't seem any point in even starting.
- I'm a very honest person. I can't lie to myself. There is no legitimate reason to contact him except that I want feel goods. And those would be short-lived.

So where does that leave me? I'm flirting with disaster and I know it. I have his cell number. I picked up my phone every five minutes tonight. I'm desperate to call him but to what end? I don't want to give up all I've achieved but I want to hear his voice.

But even if I could hear his voice and not end up feeling like crap or being treated like worse, I know I wouldn't be satisfied with one call. One phone call would really be kicking open the doors to allow him back into my life. And even if the lure of friendship is attractive, my reality is he is not interested in anything other than sex.

So right now I am being saved by my blocking efforts early on. My preference would be to email him but he can't email me back. My rules poof his emailed communications straight back out into the ether. So I can call only call or text and fortunately, for some reasons, those channels make me think before I act.

Okay. I'm feeling a bit more in control. Thanks, EASels. I'd be wandering in the wilderness without you.

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