Tiny crisis

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Tiny crisis
15
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 6:45pm

Okay, maybe too dramatic. Here's what happened. Xap and I met through my work several years ago. He did some contract work with us and I am the keeper of that information. It has sat for years in an electronic file. I never refer to it. Well, an international organization wants to use that material but, bureaucracies being what they are, there's paperwork that has to go with that. Unfortunately, I never had the original paperwork. So today's solution is for me to go back to him and get him to sign a waiver.

I have spent the day avoiding that approach. I finally asked my assistant to do it. Now I really should review that request before it goes out but I don't want to have anything to do with it. I've even said I don't need to be cc'd on it. I think that's all that's going to come from this but it has messed up my head. Because I haven't seen that email, I don't know if my assistant has mentioned me. I don't know if it wasn't worded well enough to prompt my xap to sign. There are so many unknowns and I don't like it.

The worst unknown is that I haven't been avoiding this because I don't want to break NC. I've been avoiding it because I had a thought early on today that this would be a legitimate excuse to break NC. And that treacherous thought was so depressing. I thought I'd run far enough but apparently not. Those thoughts are still there.

I've got a thousand things to do so I'm dashing out the door. I'll be back to scream into a pillow later.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:46am

Move away from the phone!

Now, it seems that you have done a good job talking yourself out of doing something very foolish already.  

And just for a little reinforcement, NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT.  

lol...96 hours into the 48 hour rule.  You are too funny even in your angst.  Your addiction is trying to assert itself because you've been experiencing a major trigger.  DO NOT LET IT WIN...NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT.  

I was told I was a school marm in a past life.  I think it must be true because I want to tell you to go to the blackboard, write out NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT 100 times...erase it...go clap the erasers...and come back and write it out another 100 times.  Use it as a Mantra.

Hold on, Worthmore.  You can pass through this!  It's a tough one for you, but you can do it!  NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT!

(((HUGS)))

Clarity

I don't remember where you hail from, but if it's time to go to bed...go to bed. 

 


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 7:35am

I did go to bed and I am still NC. I may need some kind of phone chastity belt and a little detox but so far so good. (good being relative.)

I'm tring to keep eveything in perspective and then I come here and see that ivillage has shortened my subject to "Tiny crisi." That made me laugh out loud. A crisi sounds so much easier to get past than a crisis, tiny or otherwise.

What a difference I see in myself. This may not look like "getting easier" on the outside but if I had still been in my A or nearer to the first days of ending, I would have caved without a second thought. And then I would have felt awful for reasons I wouldn't have been able to put my finger on.

Today's feeling like a good day. I am going to be in trigger hell for at least the next month because the issue that brought it on won't go away until November. But I made it through yesterday and that feels great. Who needs feel goods when you can have feel greats? Okay, I could still go for feel goods but I can put that off for yet another 48 hours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: worthmore
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 8:03am
Love, my xAP *does* want to be friends and it is not just about sex. We were close friends for 10 years before the A.
I did try being friends for a few months last fall/winter when he "sent me a referral".
It hurts like heck and NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT.

You will so much worse than you are feeling now.

I have faith in you though girlie. You are going to.stay the course, I can tell.
So.proud of you for comung here with your struggles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 9:51am

good good good

Glad today is feeling like a good day for you.

I expected to be greeting you at the gate of Vetville on 2/15/13, and you know how I feel about messing up my index cards with NC dates and all...having to cross out dates to insert new dates... Yet another reason to stay the course..."what would it do to Clarity's tracking system. Perturbed


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 10:34am
Hi Worthmore
Hope today is a little better and the trigger doesnt feel as easy to pull. You know what to do and what not to do (and yes its looks and sounds a lot easier than it is), but it will pass it always does.... we all here at EAS know you can and will do it. 

Remember you are WORTH-MORE!!!

(((hugs)))
Sunny Soon Xxx

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