Singles and depression

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Singles and depression
29
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 10:46pm

Do you ever wonder if there are groups that are more depressed than others?  I mean not just a little down, but on some sort of antidepressant to help them through it.  I have quite a few teacher colleagues who I know are on antidepressants.  My sister went on one after her wedding was cancelled and the jerk did all the crap he did to her. 

It seems, from what I've read here over the past 12 years that single women are probably among the more depressed.  I'm sure there are plenty of married women who are as well, and I'm sure there are plenty of single women who are incredibly happy.  But it seems to me that in general, we're depressed.  Or maybe it's just women who are depressed!  I don't know.

I decided yesterday to start taking something to see if it improves my mood.  I was pretty happy this summer, but since school has started up again, I just haven't been happy.  To be honest, nothing seems to make me happy and I'm not motivated to do much.  I didn't want to take anything prescription because of the side effects I've read of, so I decided to try a supplement (SAM-e) after doing a lot of research.  I took it this morning and I felt like crap all day long.  I don't think one day is supposed to affect me, though, so I think it was something else going on.  Hopefully I'll see a difference within a week like the package says. 

I'm just kind of curious of anyone else is taking anything or tried the supplement I am taking.  I can't really talk about it with my real-life friends because I can't really trust any of them to keep it to themselves. 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 7:27pm
I got up early for awhile, but I just can't do it anymore. Right now, it's almost 6:30 and I managed to get my workout clothes on, but I'm soooo sleepy that I'm having trouble getting to the treadmill.

I felt the effect of the supplement wear off around 4:00. It was a very real difference! Once I'm used to it, maybe twice a day will be better. (I'm only taking 1/3 of the full dose.) Energy and motivation would be awfully nice right now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 7:31pm

I heard that there are more married women who are unhappy than single women. The reverse is true for men. But I haven't done any research.

The reason you think there are more singles who are depressed b/c you're on these boards where people with relationtional problems are aggregated.

Anyway, you've got plenty of company as already responded. I can tell you that having a long-term low-grade depression which is what you're experiencing is incapacitating as well. It's not the magnitude of a severe full-blown, suicidal episode which is briefly disabling. The depression when it persists have a more insidious harmful effect to your life. It's like looking at the outside through a fogged window, everything is blunted down. I know I don't live my life to the fullest. There are things I'd like to do such as work on the house, but I don't know anyone to keep me motivated or I don't have the engery to nurture and grow relationships with others. The list goes on and on.

I know because I've been depressed over over 20 years.I was on an good ol prozac when it was at its worst. It did help without much side effect except sedation but the improvement in mood and anxiety was well  worth it. I tried it again a few times plus different ones  recently but gave up each time because of severe insomnia. Now I'm not on anything but therapy. I'm thinking about spacing it out more as I don't feel it's helping more than keeping myself busy. I do need someone to talk to still but not the at the frequency it is now.

 In addition, I try to keep busy with activities.  Try to keep your life simple. I think meetup groups are good for when you want to do things. Try to cultviate a circle of friends to do things with on a regular basis. I think changing your perspective about life is good. Count your blessings. Volunteer. It helps to not focus on yourself so much.

And pray. I pray a lot. It helps.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2011
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:48am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 9:32am

wow.. that is great post and you made some very good and valid points..

Some depression is also situational.. I know I am always in the throes of situational depression because of my dam situation (lol)

It just seems like when people get hit with this there is an endless need for work to be done.. Why is life always about so much work..

For me like I said if I dont walk and get Vit.D and sun and talk t herapy and volunteer and oh; yes pray and pray all day long its hard to beat this devil. Ah ha .. it does feel like the devil is at work no??

I think you are right t hough when someone is inside themselves the depression gets worse. I know that when I am helping others and thinking outside of me my depression gets better.. Unfortunately since I have had so many issues of codependency I had to retrain my brain into thinking more about myself through therapy and other modalities.. Now I have created a monster and think more ofme than others..Now where is the dam balance (lol)

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 11:51am

freeatlast,

I'm aware of the situational depression. When you call something situational, the implication is it's temporary, i.e. a breakup with a bf, financial problems that at some point get resolved. When you apply this term to being single then it's not situational because if you're like me, you'd be depressed for 20 some years b/c I've been practically single since then (and maybe for the rest of  my life). I wasted many years of  my life attributing my unhappiness to my single status. In a large part, it was true. I was very focused on feeling sorry for myself, comparing myself to other women who had men, or in relationships.  My life was basically not fully charged b/c of this issue. I didn't have the energy to do anything else to my fullest ability.

I realize being single isn't the source of my unhappiness. It certainly contribute, just as the weather contributes a little bit to it (to people who are proned to depression, there are many things that can tip them over). For many years my career was a source of unhappiness. Since I've found a career I like, I'm very content in that area. (Thank God, that is a big part of my life that's going right, and pray it will last).

I think to myself, if by some miracle, I found the perfect r/s, would I be happier? I think I would. However, it's not a perfect world. Few of us have perfect lives. Still working on being happy w/o perfection. It's hard work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 12:58pm

Oh; spot on ..

I think that for me I do not like being single and divorced at 58 years old and I would like some sort of relationship and yes there are days where I hate being alone and then there are days I am okay with it.. Given the statistics I would have to say I might be staying alone  but that doesnt stop me from living life as best as I can.. I do have things I do and family and friends and a huge sense of community where I live. There is always something to do and someone to talk to.. If I didnt have that I would be committing Hari Kari .. Being single as taught me to put things into perspective and kind of like compartments.. Like I have my real life friends and I do some meet ups. I go out alone and I am okay with that.. I also meet strangers where I go and I am with them in the moment. I also have some facebook friends and phone friends.. So I think when one is single there has to be a way to live the life that will make you as happy as posssible. I use the word happy loosely as I dont know what word to put there.

This is what I have learned and its not always a negative thing.. I mean I have been married and divorced twice and I have had many relationships and flings and even one night stands and I have had guy friends and now at my age if this is my life then this is it.. I cant make someone go out with me or like me or even date me for that matter. So like you said what else can we do?

Yes; of course it gets depressing not having someone but if there is no divine plan for this then what?? I am learning to let go and let God guide me and it makes me feel so much better...and yet I do have bad days..

My situational depression is because I struggle with where I should live and finances and I know that could be taken care of but finding a SO is probably more challenging at this time for me.. If I had a partner I would still be unhappy about where I live.

Yep; life is hard. No one said it would be a rose garden. (lol)

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 2:03pm

OK, I didn't know what your situation is. Finance is a big problem. I never downplay the importance of money. I wish I was a trust-fund baby :smileysad: 

My situation is my high-maintenance house. If you want to put a positive spin, I'm learning a lot about owning a home. My big struggle now is to de cide what to do with it as it's not financially beneficial to sell it.

I thought I knew what I wanted when I was looking for a house. Even after a long time looking, it still doesn't feel right.  It seems in my life, I have to learn by my own mistake. Same with my career. I had to change career once. Now very happy. Hope it lasts.

With the house, the problem is don't really know where to go next. praying for guidance.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 3:52pm

That's a very good way to describe it- long-term and low-grade.  It's hard to admit it's a problem when it's not severe, either.  It's interesting- my best friend told me that the prescription her mother was on made her not really care- as in, whatever happened, happened, and it didn't upset her like before.  So I was waiting for that "happy" carefree feeling.  I do feel much better, and I think it's partly due to the supplement also claiming to help with inflammation.  My sinuses feel far clearer, which opens up my head and I'm not in a fog or in pain all day long.  However, my attitude is also different.  I do have an "I don't care" attitude, but not in the way I expected.  It's more that I don't care what people think, nor am I so worried about walking on eggshells so that I don't piss anyone off.  I do feel more myself.  Emotions are coming to the surface that I haven't felt in a long time.  Not necessarily lovey-dovey ones, but the ones that make you realize that when someone is crappy to you, then by golly they need to be told.  I don't know what you'd call that!  I noticed it a bit with my class this week (the way kids treat their teachers these days is awful), but moreso with my girlfriend last night.  She didn't behave any differently than she ever does.  She usually throws out something insulting, or calls me a name "endearingly" that I've asked her not to use, or says something to insult a friend of mine that she doesn't like.  I usually let it slide.  I didn't do that last night.  At one point, I believe she was almost in tears because I kept calling her on her rudeness, and you know what?  I didn't care!  It's not right for me to let her get away with it.  I think this is a good thing.  I am far too nice with people just because I'm afraid of hurting their feelings.  I tend to value everyone else's well-being over my own.  That seems to be changing, and that's a good thing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 4:14pm

I know a lot of people (both the sufferer and even the provider) downplay the importance of the low-grade depression, or dysthymia, is the professional word but to me it really affects one's quality of life.

I know the feeling you described. That was how I felt the first time on the prozac. It was what 'normal' was supposed to feel, meaning, the problems are still there, but you feel more capable of taking care of it, you feel like it's going to pass, just keep working on it, it's going to be OK. And I did continue to work on it, not don't care as in ignoring the problem. compared that to when you're depressed, the problem is catastrophized, as if it's going down the worst possible scenerio.  Feeling like you 'don't care' is an easy way to describe it but it's not like not caring like being on drug.

Just as important is once you feel more capable on the med/supplement, you should start getting yourself in therapy, either self-therapy or via a therapist. My feeling is that the med/supplement is the bootstrap, you don't want to be on it forever. Eventually, they stop working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 4:38pm

Shy;; wow that is the SAME .E that is doing that? I too have that awful sinus thing and it fogs up my head. I have it now and its awful.

I have no idea what normal feels like because I rarely feel normal.... I do feel hopeless at times and the symptoms of depression I know.. Not participating or going out and doing things you normally like.. and those other symptoms I cant remember now..

One time when I was divorcing my depression got so bad that I didnt go out for days and I didnt shower and I was on pure survival mode. I would stare at the tv and just stare at it all day long and not move.. I also had physical symptoms where everything in my body hurt.. It was terrible.. As soon as I moved out my marital home those symptoms went away.. I felt like that was high grade depression .. Now I have some like you said maybe low grade depression..where I function and do things and all but I still have that feeling of blah blah or hopelessness or something..