Girlfriend with an apartment

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Girlfriend with an apartment
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:40am

My son, who is a senior in high school, recently started dating a girl that graduated last year and is attending a community college. Her parents moved out of town so she has just gotten an apartment with 2 friends. She is normally a trustworthy, responsible girl but now, of course, my son is spending most of his free time at her new apartment. I am not sure that I am ok with this but not sure how to handle it other than strict controls on my own personal curfew for him. I have no reason not to trust my son to date but I feel the need to do a "drive-by" each time he asks to spend the night at a friends house on the weekends. Am I over-reacting? How would any of you handle this?

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:55am
I think what I might do is work with him on some joint rules as to what is ok based on what your expectations are from him for grades, how much time they can spend together, etc., just like you would if she lived at home. (Is he 18 yet?) Is he interested in college and has he gotten in already? (And I know when I started coming to this site most people said no more overnights when in HS anyway; it's likely asking for trouble - we stopped in 8th grade)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:40am

He will be 18 in April. He plans to attend college and I am hoping that she won't affect his decision on that as well. I am a single mom and my kids are generally well behaved because I have rules and expectations but I struggle with these teenage years by myself :smileyhappy: Thank you for your insight...good suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:11am

I think what you have to deal with is the fact that if they want to have sex they probably have more opportunities than the average teen, however, the average teen w/ 2 working parents might still have the opportunity to do it when parents aren't home.  so telling him to be home at 11:00 is not really a way to prevent him from having sex if he's over her apt. anyway--they could be doing it at 6:00 pm or right after he gets out of school.  I guess at some point you do have to think about the fact that you can't be w/ him 24/7 and can't control everything he does.  If he goes to college next year he'll be unsupervised all the time anyway.  I know this sounds like "giving up" but I'm not saying that--I'm saying it's realism. 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:54am

Since the gf is living on her own, with no parents to supervise, he doesn't need to spend the night to be having sex.  Keep the rules in place, do not allow overnights--no sense in LETTING them play house--but I think the thing I would hit the hardest is condom use.  Tell him EVERY TIME, the WHOLE TIME.  Beat him over the head with what happens to his college and life plans, if he gets her pregnant, or gets the plague.  Also, if he has not already gotten it, get him the Gardisil vaccine.  

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 1:57pm
No. I don't think you are over reacting at all. The others have given you solid advice, but like you, I would be checking and such as well. I would be going over your values along with the safe sex talks. I am always telling my kids that we are not just Lutheran for the hour we sit on the pew, we are expected to gehave as such at all times/ I also tell them it is ok if they sleip up, we all do, but don't forget that the rules are there for our protection.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:50pm

I agree with the others. Talk about safe sex, keep talking about college plans for next year. I also agree about stopping the sleepovers. I found out the hard way that HS age sleepovers usually included raiding a liquor cabinet, sneaking out after the parents went to sleep, or both. No need to make it easy for them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:21pm

I agree with the others, that there's only so much that you can do to stop them from having sex (and likely all you can do is make it a little more difficult for them) so you need to focus on safe sex and appropriate values.  If your son is basically a responsible, college bound teen he won't necessarily be led down the wrong path by his g/f... the fact that she is attending community college speaks to her values and sense of responsibility.  They're not going to turn into bad kids because they have more opportunity for unsupervised activity, but your son still needs your guidance.

My DD had her sights set on a Master of Science in Nursing and a license as a Nurse Practitioner before she was 25 or 26 y/o. She had a great plan all laid out - and then she got pregnant at 19 and became a mother a couple of weeks after she turned 20. On the one hand, she will be the first to tell you than being a parent as a college student is taking the most difficult path available... but on the other hand, her GPA after her son was born was .75 higher than it was pre-baby! She's now 21 y/o and an LPN.  She hasn't given up her goal of being a Nurse Practitioner, but she realizes it's going to take a few years longer than she originally planned. Right now she's taking a year off school but is planning to go back for her RN in the fall - but if she hadn't had a baby she probably would have had her BSN a year from now rather than likely 2-3 years from now. Your son needs to know that if his g/f gets pregnant, not only will her life change, but so will his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 12:56am

I’ll chime in with these thoughts:

I’d have a very frank discussion with your son about the facts of life.  Unsupervised teens often have sex in the heat of passion, if not on purpose.  Your being alone in her apartment puts you and the GF in risky territory. 

Son, sexually active girls often come up preggers. And the girl gets to make all the choices, can change her mind at will, and you may not be happy with her choices. 

And a baby will truly complicate your lives and the lives of the grandparents.

Birth control is notoriously faulty—especially in the hands of teens.  (The pill package materials may say 99% effective under perfect use, Planned Parenthood rates them at 95% effective under typical use, and FWIW our OBgyn says it’s more like 90% in the real world where most of us live, and somewhat less effective for teens.)

I know about the above because we live with our two daughters, their hubbies, and two of the most fabulous grandsons in the solar system given to us by the youngest couple.   We were planning weddings when the youngest couple oopsed with the birth control.  We are thirty months into two teen marriages that are looking good, but so did the Challenger during the first 67 seconds after lift-off. 

Babies do complicate things, but they are a true blessing.  We all feel very blessed.

As youngest SILs father said the night we found out we were going to be grandparents, “This is a speed bump, not a road block.  We’ll work out the details as we go along and it will all work out.”  Our couples are continuing to make progress in their schooling, at a slower pace than originally planned, which is OK.