Having an affair...new here

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Having an affair...new here
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:49am

I think I'm on the right board now...  I posted this below post on the wrong one yesterday....


Actually, I don't want to stop it.  I have been married for 15 years, we have 2 kids.  H and I have not had the greatest of relationships...mainly poor communication.  He's a great guy, great father and generally a nice person.  He works hard for our family.  We have not had sex for 6 years.  I have been having an affair for the past 7 months.  The OM lives far away, so it started out as an emotional affair at first.  Turned into something that I can't even begin to describe in terms of the love we have for each other.  I truly feel we are meant to be together.  I knew him from college, so it's not some random person that I "think" I'm in love with.

We are taking a break right now because I feel like I should make an effort in my marriage...problem is I am not in love with H.  I feel like I have to do this for my kids.  It would kill me if they were to look back and think I didn't at least try.  Does that make sense?

I feel guilty becasue H and I had a talk...first one in years about us.  He wants to try and make it work.  I feel guilty because I don't.  I am in love with someone else.  How do I know that I've really put an honest effort into trying to make it work with H.  And how honest of an effort is it really if my mind and my heart is not into it?

I love my H, just not in love with him.


I also want to add...

I know this board is for people who are trying to or have ended an affair.  I guess I want to know from those you are doing that...how do you know if ending it is what you want/need/have to do?  I love my AP.  I see a future with him.  I feel I am being a little back and forth when I say I am not in love with him but want to try and make some effort...but it's only for the kids' sake.  As I mentioned, I don't want them to think I didn't try.  That thought kills me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:09am
Wow, no intimate contact for 6 years?! I can see how you would feel so far gone that there's no coming back. Most of us can relate to the idea of loving our spouses, but not in love with them. Don't stick out a marriage just for the kids, it never works out well and they generally know what's going on. I think if you do try and make it work with the hubby it will only be a half hearted effort since your thoughts and feelings lie elsewhere...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:08am

When you talked with H, did you have a solid plan on how you were going to make things better?  It sounds like you're doing the right thing by taking a break from AP while you sort this out.  Others here have talked about finding more fault in their M while in an A, and it's good to step back and see if that's effecting how you're feeling about things.  I agree with sony that staying together for the kids isn't always the best choice.  My parents never fought in front of us & kept up appearances, but I wasn't shocked at all when my mom told us they were getting divorced.

I think for your own peace of mind you need to know that not wanting to make an effort isn't because your heart is somewhere else, but because you want out of your M for your own reasons. 

There is another board for ending an A that you could post on if you haven't already, but there are also awesome people here who have been through that.  I've been in an A for 6 yrs that has ended for a few days several times, and he ended it again 6 weeks ago - longest we've ever gone.  I'm still not really sure why he felt it was what he needed to do - he said it was for me, but it certainly wasn't my choice.  I understand how hard it is to be apart.  :smileyfrustrated:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 3:04pm

Welcome Lulu,

You are in the right board. Actually MAS is probably the only board where we welcome most everyone and are OK w/ whatever path they may be on, trying our best not to judge..

I’d think more than a few of us have been in your shoes.. Before my divorce, I went through the exact phase you went through.. probably not what you want to hear.. we didn’t have kids, so that’s a bit of a different dynamic for you..

Looking back after all those years, I realize, as you’ve reflected in your post as well, wanting to try had to do more with me trying to lessen the guilt I felt from wanting a D than really hoping/wishing that trying would work.  I had said to myself, “ At least I can say I tried”.. nothing wrong with that..

Except that.. it is NOT true.. in that mind set, you go through the motions, you really are never trying.. that’s just a fact of life.. doesn’t mean you are bad wife or have failed as a good human being..

Your A is just a symptom, as a headache is a symptom of something not right with one’s head.. or brain circulation.. or whatever.. they can send a rover to Mars but can’t cure headaches or the common cold.. go figure!.. sorry, I digress..

The symptom is there because your M is broken.. I won’t even get into the 6 yrs no sex thing.. my personal limit is about 6 months.. and that’s if a complicated pregnancy is involved.. but, that, and your lack of communication, are big red flags..

Many in your situation have resigned to the fact that this is as good as it gets.. nothing wrong with that.. you got a family.. kids.. etc.. you settle.. you are good friends.. so there is no sex or passion.. for some, those are not deal breakers.. there is not much emptiness felt..

For others like you, or me, there is a pulpable emptiness.. a lacking.. that matters.. that you feel you need to act against.. to change things.. you realize that the status quo just sucks and you’ve done nothing to deserve it let alone having to live with it..

So here you are now..

I think, in your place, I’d start w/ being honest w/ myself, w/ my H, and my kids.. you are way past trying to make this work.. you are ready to plan for a separation and a possible divorce.. that’s where your energy should be spent on.. talk to a lawyer.. talk and plan w/ your H.. take some actions..

For some relationships, the wake up call of a separation and a pending divorce is a shock to the system.. some Ms actually revive and survive after such a  wake up call..  but only some.. I can’t even guess where you’ll end up once you get the process going.. but I am guessing you have a pretty good idea yourself, even now..

Keep your AP/A away from all this.. he’s not going anywhere.. if you end up with a D and are single, you may not even want to hang out with him anymore.. a lot needs to happen till then, and neither you nor he needs the additional challenges, static and drama.. keep your mind clear and focused.. if you need a break, go to a spa, not to your AP..

Like I said, all this can start if you can be totally and brutally honest w/ yourself, respect yourself and your family, and let that honesty and respect guide your decisions and actions.. anything short of that, none of you deserve and you’ll just be playing house at a really inappropriate age..

Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 3:14pm
You've gotten some good feedback on another board too. I think really delving into why this has happened, no sex for 6 years, only roomates, little communication, would be really important to try to figure out. Maybe some individ counselimg would help you. The individual sessions i had were good. I saw my own faults that contributed to the degeneration of my M as well. Im determined not to repeat those or ill find myself right back here. Your AP is not the answer but a symptom of you M problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 6:54pm

Hi, lulu!  Welcome to MAS.

You said: 

  My thing right now is I just feel so guilty because as I mentioned, H is a good guy.

I think you should think about what the reasoning is behind that statement.  Why do you feel guilty?  Because you want to leave him?  Please remember that what your H wants and what is good for him may be two separate things.  I think sometimes we fall into the erroneous assumption that us staying and giving the H or W what he or she wants is the "right" thing to do, and therefore leaving the M is wrong, and that causes guilt.  But let's face it, if your M is really what you described, that is nobody's idea of a healthy, happy M.  I seriously doubt your H is happy, either, and I cannot see how somebody could stay in an R like that without become depressed.  So, to me it seems like staying with him out of guilt, need, or obligation is the wrong thing to do.  It will only serve to continue to make you and him unhappy.  By staying with him, you are allowing him to keep settling for somebody who isn't in love with him.  He could be with somebody who is passionate about him, somebody who is eager to go home and spend time with him.  And he could have feelings for her that are the same. You deserve to have the chance for that, and he does, too.  

Of course, you are both to blame for this settling...you're doing it, but he'd doing it, too.  I would say you need to start looking beyond traditional morality and start REALLY thinking about what would make you happy, fulfilled people.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 9:59pm

I understand what you mean.  I know how it feels to just feel in your heart it is over.  I was in a similar situation, so maybe what I realized will help you decide what to do, or help you deal with your feelings.

First, seven months into an A is pretty short amount of time to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.  You are in the grasp of some powerful hormones that are affecting the way you think and act and view the world and everybody in it.  When those hormones fade and you back to your "normal" self, you will finally realize just how much the biological elements of the A were influencing you.  That is NOT to say you will go back to being madly in love with your H, especially if you haven't been in love with him for a while.  But it may mean that you rediscover affection and attraction to him once you start to have a more realistic view of your AP.  Or you may not.  That's the problem about starting an A before you end an M...you will never know your full motivation for ending your M.  

The other thing I learned is that you have to change your mindset.  Is your AP married? I can't remember if you said he was or not, but anyway.  For so long, I was miserable in my M because I couldn't decide whether to stay or whether to run off with AP.  It was torturous!  But then one day I realized that I couldn't make the decisions that way.  You can't assume things will work out with AP.  All you have to do if read for a few months on MAS and you will realize that no matter how much you love him or he loves you, the odds are not in your favor that the A will lead to a "real" relationship (I use the term the way society tends to use it---I know it is real to us).  So...that means you have to decide between your H and being alone, since that would most likely be the outcome of leaving your M.  Imagine living on your own without any man in your life---not even AP or dates with new guys.  I'm REALLY glad I let myself think that way, because that is what ended up happening with me.  I am alone, and I don't date a lot.  I'm glad I faced that possibility and expected it, because it would have been really awful to end my M, then to be alone and wish I hand't done it.  

Hope this helps!