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|Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:10am|
Today is day 9 of NC. I guess it is NC.....there has been no contact either way in 9 days, but it was not a formal request for no contact, it was shouted (by me) into the phone, to him, to NEVER, EVER try to contact me again. (After finding out he was seeing someone else and had lied about it all summer.) My situation was a little different in that I was single (widow) and he had not lived with his W in many, many years. I guess I was able to treat our relationship as "normal" because he was so involved in my life. The only secrecy was on his part but his family lived far enough away that we came and went as we pleased much like any other couple. The NC has really opened my eyes to how much I was burying inside in order to keep this relationship. I can justify it all I want but when it comes down to it, I was involved in an affair. Period. I begged him over the years to please make the divorce legal so that I could be a part of his life too. (He has grown children that he would visit from time to time, but was not really close to them) The thing was, for so long, I WAS his life. My friends were his friends, my family loved him. (they didn't know he was still legally married) I was happy as a clam, in love with a man that would do anything for me. I THOUGHT that was unique. After I found this site, and started reading I realized that what I thought to be a relationship was in truth only an A. The kicker is that he knew it was killing me inside and instead of honoring the 10+ years we were together, he starts an A with a MARRIED women he reconnected with from H.S. He NEVER intended to get a divorce and strung me along like a rag doll for all those years. To be honest, I never thought about how people feel in affairs, because I could wrap my situation up in a pretty package and label it a relationship. I see, however, that everyone that has been in an A had the same emotional connection to the AP that I did. Talking about EVERYTHING and sharing so much that when the contact is severed you feel like you have lost your best friend too.
I am trying to start journaling but find myself staring at the blank page with nothing but memories of us flashing before my eyes. If you journal, does it help?