Conversation with my son....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Conversation with my son....
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 12:50pm

Hi Ladies,

As you guys know, a couple of months ago I sent the letter cutting my inlaws off from my life and my son's life.  I tried for years and years, to work out a way that we could live in harmony but it just wasn't working and causing me way too much anger, stress and resentment and ruining my special moments with my family.  This happened about a month before our youngest son turned 10.  Of course, the MIL sent the card to son (I know her way of thinking she's done no wrong and will continue doing exactly what she wants etc. without ever trying to change or accept fault at all).  I held onto the card until the right time and when I could have a one on one conversation with my son.  A couple of weeks ago on our drive to vacation, I finally had him cornered!  He was well rested, bored with his computer game and just sitting there and so I began the conversation and it was really, really good.  I led into some of the generic issues with inlaws and how these things have been going on for quite some time.  I made sure to explain that many of the things that have happened since he was a baby happened also to his older brothers and that this has nothing to do with him specifically.  We talked about how his grandparents have never really done anything with him (one on one) and how they are always doing anything and everything around and for his cousin.  I won't go into the entire conversation but suffice it to say that he fully understood and was aware of how it felt and that he knew that his cousin was always treated differently by these folks than he was.  He too understood how weird it was that people at school always had their grandparents around and he never did.  We talked about what to do and I told him about the card and the $50 check.  I told him that my thoughts were that if we cashed the check we were saying that their behavior was acceptable.  I told him that what I really wanted for him and from them is that they change and apologize for this favortism and show us the same type of respect etc.  But that until they did, that I had made the decision for him and for myself that they werent' allowed to be around us.  I explained that I felt this was his only hope for someday maybe having a relationship with them that was based on love and respect and not based on their own type of dysfunction.  No, i didn't use the word dysfunction but I tried to explain that it wasn't right for us to just accept this type of behavior and that I felt we had to hold them accountable and ask them to change.


He wholeheartedly agreed and did not seem to be upset by the whole situation at all.  Now, I'm not naive, part of me expected him to listen to the whole thing and at the end of the discussion ask - "when can I have my $50."  But, I am so proud of him for knowing that this is about so much more.


I feel he understands that we are doing what we feel is best and the saddest part of all is that he really doesn't question any of it and I believe this is mostly because these people never gave him anything to hold onto (if that makes sense).


Anyway, I wanted to share because I think these decisions we are forced to make do effect our kids and spouses and so I wanted others to hear his perspective.


Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 3:59pm


Kids know...:smileysad:

Mine are now in their early twenties.

My dd was in the hospital and my ex-mil never went to see her, neither did my ex-husband.

I called her on my cell to let her know dd was very sick and taken by Ambulance to the hospital.

We were on her way to the hospital, the second of three she went within a 24 hr. period.

She tried to tell dd she didn't know, dd caught her in the lie.

It was her dad my ex who asked me to call his Mom, after giving me her number as I didn't have it.

He wanted me to call her so she couldn't say she wasn't told. (his words)...

My ds knows and unfortunately so does dd.

I opted out of a relationship with her.

But my kids and I lived in the same house I had shared with her son and we had the same phone number.

Sometimes it is just too Toxic!

My dd now says to her grand-mother do not "Trash-Talk " my Mom.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:02pm

My ds wants "Nothing" to do with her.

She played favourites with the grand-daughters and her daughter's daughter.

The boys her grand-sons my and my ex-sil's were basically not ALL that important to her ever.

Her LOSS...