Ex-BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Ex-BF
10
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 1:12pm

I didn't use to be happily married.  I have posted here before.  Back then, I was an active alcoholic.  Today, I can happily say I'm recovering from that.  I have 9 months sobriety.  But this is not about that, necessarily. 

About a month ago I ran into an ex-boyfriend at an AA mtg.  I ignored him for awhile, but then felt I should approach him to make things more comfortable.  We havent' seen each other in 16 yrs.

Since that time, we have been texting, and had a couple of phone calls.  Yesterday he came by my office and we chatted, mostly about alcoholism.

Today he called and wants to stop by again.

I know I'm in danger zone.  But am not sure what to do, if anything.

My husband is about to undergo neck surgery and he's really been incognito for the past 2 weeks.  But before that we were very close and getting along just great.  Things have been tough at home but I love him just as much as ever.  I've been spending a lot of time taking him to dr's appts and such and taking care of him at home.

I can't figure out what my deal is with this ex.  He's not exactly hot.  Or together.  He's had 4 dui's, and is living in a sober house.  Not exactly what you'd call a catch.  But I enjoy talking to him.

I did tell my husband all about it and he was fine about the whole thing.  I have not told him about the calls, or the office visit.  I'm a little nervous about what I'm doing.  I'm not sure why I'm doing it, other than the obvious reason that my husband is not able to be present and perhaps I'm lonely in that regard?

I am pretty sure what kind of comments I'll get to this, but I would still appreciate hearing your thoughts and experience on the matter.  Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:21pm

I'm kind of scratching my head wondering why this is even an issue? I've had men bring me my fave Starbucks coffee to my work to see me. I go for drinks alone with my best friend who is male (and had a crush on me when I met DH). Etc.

If this ex-bf is just talking about alcoholism and nothing inappropriate has been said or done, why are you in danger zone?

Are you tempted? Are you secretly hoping something is going to happen or ex-bf was pining away for you? Are you just stroking your ego?

I guess my comments/suggestion all depend on what your interest or motivation is here. Hugs.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:27pm

Hey everyone,

Things are going a lot better.  My husband had neck surgery, boy was that tough.  He's home now and recuperating.  The ex has contacted me twice and I ignored it.  Really, I've had to focus all my time and energy to my husband getting better, and dealing with the insurance company, pharmacy and his doctors.  He's getting a tiny bit every day, and I'm so grateful for that.

To the person who asked about replacing something with the booze, I believe I have done that.  I now practice learning the piano, and volunteer quite often.  Between that, my work, AA mtgs, meeting with my sponsor, and gym time -- I'm all set!  LOL  I believe I have slowly created a new life, and I continue to work on that every day.

Honestly, the ex was just a weird bump in the road of life.  I might not have dealt with it perfectly, but I don't believe anyone is perfect and handles every situation perfectly.  I was very cognizant of what was going on, and I reached out to you all here as well as talked with my DH about it quite frequently.

I'm not really interested in what's going on with the ex's life, as his life is really wrecked right now.  For more than 9 months now, I've been going to the same AA mtg (my home group) and have built strong, lasting relationships there with others.  I am not about to just quit going there because of the ex.  It is statistically likely that he won't be a permanent fixture there anyhow.  In our talks he tells me he's ready to leave his halfway house, even though at first he said he was committed to 90 days, he's barely made a little over 30.  I believe he's not on the road to recovery, and that's too bad.  Ultimately, my recovery comes first, and to stay sober, I do not associate on a regular basis with those who have not found their way.  It sounds harsh, but again, my sobriety comes first.

Thanks for writing everyone, I appreciate it.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 1:35am
So, do they tell you that you need to find something to replace the original addiction in AA? Maybe your EX is that?
You're courting danger by having so much contact with the EX and in person. Does it occur to you that your EX is only looking out for himself and YOU need to pay attention to YOUR recovery first?
Tell the old BF to stop talking to you-YOU stop talking to him. In fact find another AA meeting.
Your husband needs you now more than ever. Don't flake out on him and screw up the good things you've got going for an old BF.
Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 6:08pm

Hi there & nice to see you here,
Congrats on your sobriety too!

Well I am glad you have told your DH *most* but think you should tell him all,
Also since you know it is a dangerous situation ..
I agree with RoseAnn & you need to let it go.
Be done with him & tell him not to call, text or visit you at work.
You're playing with fire & surely you don't want to get burned.
Good luck & let us know how it goes :smileyhappy:




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 5:26pm
Also, this reconnect didn't happen via FB, it happened in the rooms of AA. I'm a recovering alcoholic and so is he. Which brings some more complexity into the issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 5:19pm
Well, I agree. And I have told him about my misgivings, sort of. I told him that if things got weird, I'd cut off contact. My husband is in a lot of pain right now and this issue is at the bottom of his list. Heck, right now he's not even aware of an issue. But yeah, telling him what I've told him so far is a type of accountability for me.

He trusts me too and I'm not about to let him down there.
Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: mrosie
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 4:55pm

IMO, telling your DH everything, including the misgivings you are having about continued contact with your ex, could help hold you accountable. If you know that he would find out, would you be less likely to do something you'll regret?

Several years ago, I reconnected with someone I dated in high school. I was completely forthcoming with DH and I knew that he trusted me. I also shared with him when that contact ended and I suspected it was due to my friend's spouse.

Sometimes past relationships need to stay in the past. Facebook and other social media have made it all too easy to browse through our memories but that's not always a good thing for everyone involved.

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 3:48pm
Thanks RoseAnn -

I'm proceeding with caution. I have a lot to deal with right now so worrying about the ex isn't exactly at my forefront. It's just there. A current thing in my life. One of many I suppose. I'll deal with it the best I know how.

I kind of have to gauge how my husband's feeling before I talk to him about it. Earlier today I told him about the office visit. I realize I'm not telling him the entire truth, but it's a fine line between what he exactly needs to know and what he doesn't. I've always told my husband EVERYTHING, and this past year I've realized how silly that is. He doesn't need to know ALL. Sometimes it's hurtful and just not needed.
Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board and congratulations on your sobriety!

I don't really have any particular words of advice other than to follow your gut. If you know this is a dangerous path for you with your ex, avoid it.

Tell him a lie, tell him the truth, but don't continue seeing him, especially when you know you are vulnerable and about to be moreso with your DH undergoing surgery.

Good luck to you and best wishes to your DH on his surgery.

Please post back whenever you need support!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 1:12pm
I meant to add that husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. I've never had to deal with a situation like this before.