I’m seeing clearly but all alone in my camp
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|Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:24pm|
My rambling thoughts of the day (past few days)…
I’d thought I’d update my situation although there isn’t any real life updates. . STBX is still in the house, not really respecting the house sharing agreement, but not being overtly stupid about it. I feel I’ve lost my chance to get a court order to kick him out while the D is settled and finalized.
First off, I must admit that I do feel a bit different than many of you wonderful ladies here. My abuse was never physical and to be honest I believe 100% he would never do anything to physically harm me. I know that does not make the abuse any less real. From that thought, I feel ashamed at who I am, what/who I settled for. From there I see myself as weak. On the other hand, I know that that is all warped thinking. Inside I feel so much better, so much happier, so much freer, and most importantly I feel hope for the future, for a happy future for me and my children.
Second thing I wanted to point out about me: It’s ending an affair that brought me to ivillage. My affair partner was also emotionally abusive, but then an affair is toxic by definition. I thought about changing user names to post on this board, but that didn’t make sense, its part of who I am. In the past year I have been working hard on myself to figure out what brought me to take actions that were unhealthy, learn about myself, what made me tick, choose healthy relationships. To the outside world, getting a divorce seems like a hasty and rash decision, but I am so far from the person I was a year ago that staying married to STBX could not possibly in any way fit in with who I am. I was also seeing more and more the damage it was creating to the kids, so staying for the sake of the kids was also no longer a reason.
Last night I had an appt with a DV counselor, it’s a program that is meant to help the kids who have lived in an abusive environment and help the transition through a separation or D, but we mainly discussed the overall situation. The DV councilor asked some questions, think they were from a written form to get an feel for the situation:
Where did you meet H? Answer: A bar.
What attracted you to him? Answer: I don’t know, nothing really, no idea.
Why did you get married? Answer: In retrospect, I was afraid to become an old cat lady, alone living with 40 cats. I saw getting married, having 2 kids, a dog, a house and white picket fence as the how-to-way to happiness.
When would you say that your H changed and started to show signs of abusiveness? Answer: They day he got his residency card (I sponsored him) and he was allowed back in the country.
At this point, I felt ashamed and thought a: “Gee whiz, no wonder, how could you have been so stupid.” would have followed and probably would have outside of a DV shelter.
In real life, I avoid the reality of why I’m getting a D, and that’s just with my close family. Ugh. They don’t want to hear about what happened, they don’t want to hear the threats he made. I get a “you’re both grownups, work it out.” My mom asks what’s going on and says she worries about me, but as soon as I start talking about what’s going on and what he’s doing, she cuts me off with a “I don’t want to know about that”. I think all she wants to know is how much buying his part of the house back will cost and how much of the furniture he’s going to take.
I’ve lost my real world allies; I don’t know if they were allies to begin with and feel very alone. I have made wonderful “virtual” friends on the after affair boards. I put virtual in brackets because they are very real people whose real names I know, I have just never met them. I also don’t want to burden them with my problems, which is so different from theirs.
hth, I read your message about coming out on FB and I admire your courage and bravery. Your post oozed empowerment. I’ve thought many times about doing something similar with the bullying I dealt with as a teen. I’m not ready yet. I am afraid of the negative criticism I will face. I also feel it is so important to do, not for me, but for others. I was very isolated as a young girl, the bullying I received was “light” in the sense that that I was pushed away and mocked for being cross eyed and a geek. I can’t remember any specific event that was deliberately cruel. It was more a whole spectrum of accepted behaviours from everyone towards me, behaviours I was encouraged to accept and just deal with, including by my parents and teachers. The isolation and rejection I felt however were very real. I can’t come out about the bullying because of my inability to convey it’s realness vs. it’s “lightness”. I guess it’s the same as tagging emotional abuse as “light” abuse.
My mantra in life then came to be “I am not worthy of love and happiness” “My only worth is what my education, (career) and intelligence can bring to others” and “I do not deserve to be in a loving relationship”. The last one is what led me to an unhealthy life partner choice and I would justify it to myself as “Happy, don’t you see? You wanted something you are not allowed to have (i.e. someone to love you), so you deserve all the unhappiness and abuse that your M comes with”. Today, I am SO FAR away from that justification.
I feel that I am driving a wedge between myself and those who are supposed to be close to me, as if they don’t agree that I should be happy, are seeing as selfishness or maybe they don’t want me to get D, because of how it will impact them. Maybe they love the old me better and then I start questioning the new me…