Visitors after baby....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Visitors after baby....
12
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:31pm

 

Since I'm a FTM, I've never really experienced going through labor and then adjusting to a newborn and the sleepless nights that follow.. I do know, however, that I'm a private person and rather introverted, so having visitors in my house can be a bit exhausting for me unless it's my own family or a close friend. Most of my family live here, but DH is from southern California so his family is all down there.  I found out last week that my MIL is coming to stay, in her words, "2 weeks and probably longer" when the baby gets here. I'm ok with it because we have a great relationship and I know that she'll be a big help, but when I start think about it, I'm worried about having guests stay that long right after the birth.

 I also found out that my SIL is coming to stay with her youngest ( she'll be 9 months old or so) and then my other SIL will be flying in from Hawaii a few weeks after the birth with her girls. I love DH's family but part of me wishes that they all just lived closer so they could make smaller visits and I wouldn't be worrying about entertaining them or keeping my house clean enough. If this was my mom and sisters we were dealing with, I would just put them to work and not worry about it.  I'm technically still a newlywed though and haven't spent a significant enough time with them to feel really comfortable. Plus, DH's family tends to be a bit.. how should I put this...combative with each other? Anyway.. I'm dreading it and I wish I wasn't.  Part of me wishes it could just be me and DH for those first few weeks while we all get used to being a family, but then I feel selfish feeling that.

Any advice?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2010
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:26pm

My main problem with hospital visitors is the fact that I feel like crap, not to mention that I'm not exactly looking presentable, I'm in one of those ugly (but functional) hospital gowns with giant mesh granny panties on for heaven's sake & I usually had a boob out!  It just wasn't an ideal time for people to be parading in & out of my room, it's not like I could get up & go somewhere else either.  With my SO's best friend, I had just taken a shower while the nurses got my bed cleaned up with fresh sheets & such & had barely gotten my sore behind back in bed before they showed up.  I was SO uncomfortable!  And I wanted to hold my son - he had been in the NICU for an hour after delivery so I hadn't really had any time with him at all - and there they were scooping him up & hogging him.  I love these people, don't get me wrong, but at that moment in time, I wanted to scratch their eyes out & them toss their lifeless bodies out the window.  That's why I put the "law" in place this time that only my folks (his won't come up to visit so that's a non-issue), him & our son can be up in my room, end of story.

Lilypie Maternity tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:20pm

You guys have totally hit the nail on the head.  MIL would be completely heartbroken if we told her that she should wait to come.  She lives with my SIL and her family and is miserable there.  My BIL isn't very nice to her and she feels like a burden, so she's REALLY looking forward to coming up here once her sub teaching job is up after January.  

As for the SILs, I've been trying to hint to them that it might be better if they make a trip in the summer when the baby is older and they can bring their families and really enjoy their trip. We can take the boat out on the lake and spend quality time with each other. We're also planning on visiting them in April, so I'm not quite sure why it's so important for them to be here during the stressful birthing time.  As it is, I'm struggling with having to tell my own family that I don't want  a lot of people in the room when I deliver. I'm going to hopefully try to do everything natural and feel like I need some privacy in order to relax enough to make it happen. I'm horrible about being assertive though and tend to just go along with things in order to spare people from hurt feelings. I guess a long talk with DH is in order.. He's better at handling things with his fam than I am. Luckily he's the favorite and the most gentle, so people tend to respond well to him.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:32am

wvgrl, I am right there with you on limiting hospital visitors.  I really don't want many visitors this time - like just his mom, our kids, and maybe the kids' godparents that we are close with.  Other than that, stay home and come visit after we are out of the hospital.  I didn't get enough rest last time because of all the visitors and by day 3 I was kind of a mess.  I don't really even want DH staying the night at the hospital with me this time.  I know that sounds mean, but he doesn't need a bunch of naps or to go to bed early so he would be like "Let's watch a movie!" and I felt bad saying no because I knew he wasn't tired yet, but man, I was.  I feel like a dog that crawls under a porch to have her puppies this time - just keep the lights low and stay out!  ha ha

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:28am

Having guests in your house soon after you get home from the hospital with the baby can be very helpful but it depends totally on the guest.  My parents came when my son was just under 2 weeks old and it was great, they watched him in the mornings for me so I could sleep more, they cooked diinner, they went grocery shopping, they cleaned, it was really nice.  Any guest that can't do that same thing should not be staying in your house after the baby is born.  And no kid under the age of 13 is able to do that period. 

I'd ask DH to set up a set amount of time instead "maybe longer" for his mother to be there with you.  I don't think it would go over very well to ask the MIL to wait to come out, so I'd focus on just limiting her time staying with you.  BUT for the sisters, I'd ask DH to ask them to hold off on their trips until the baby is 3 months old, especially if they are going to be bringing their kids.  Honestly, I know you have this dream of what it is going to be like after the baby arrives, but quite honestly you just never know.  Even us BTDT moms can't know because each baby is different.  Breastfeeding might be hard, and your baby might be colicy.  And the sister with older kids?  Those kids are going to be BORED hanging out at home with a newborn and their aunt day-in and day-out.  Are they going to want you to take them places?  Can the kids be quiet while you or the baby are sleeping?  Do you want to leave the house in February with a newborn?  Will you feel comfortable BF'ing in public at first?  Plus you do need that time to kind of gel and bond as your little family of 3.  I really cherish the memories of DH and I figuring things out together and spending that time together when my first baby was born. 

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with DH and I think he will be disappointed because he probably had this image in mind of this big happy family with this sweet smiling baby that you guys have figured everything out about right away but that most likely won't be the case.  He needs to be the one to deliver the message to his family though, and when he does, he needs to convey the message that it is a JOINT decision versus "Well Amber thinks it would just be too much..." because that will just cause hard feelings with his family and that is definitely NOT how you want to start this out.

Good luck hon!  I feel for you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 10:17am

Amber - I'm in a similar situation.  My family lives within an hour and a half so I'm planning on plenty of family visiting me in the hospital - parents, sister and husband, grandmothers, and maybe another aunt or two and some friends.  I don't expect to be too overwhelmed and I feel completely comfortable with telling anyone in this crew to get out - haha!  My mom might stay a couple days following the birth, and she is saving vacation days, but I've already told her that those days will really come in handy once my husband goes back to work and I'm alone - so I should be ok there.

The problem is my hubby's fam.  They live 8 hours away in NY and I know his mom and dad are planning to come out when the baby is born.  And that's ok, but I just don't want it overlapping with the time my mom is there -- too many people in the house and too many to try and keep happy!  BUT THEN, my hubby recently said "oh, if we have the baby in mid or early february then my sister and her family can come out during February vacation!"  I almost screamed.  No effing way!  His sister has 3 kids (12, 11, and 8) and they are great kids - but they are ALWAYS sick - little harborer's of germs, especially in Feb.  I don't want them anywhere NEAR the baby for a couple months - but how do I communicate this without making my husband feel bad?  I know that if it were MY sister with the kids, I would want them to visit the baby, but there's a difference between having kids stay with you for a week, and having them just drop in for a visit, you know??  Never easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:44pm
Good luck! I don't want anybody in my house after baby is born. I am fine with them coming to the hospital but once we are home leave us be. We will come out when we are ready. I hope things go smoothly for you.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:35pm

Hi!  I'm from the March Board, but have been lurking here, as I'm sure to have a February baby. 

I'm expecting #4, and have been through it all with the visitors.  With DS#1, I went into labor, and called everyone under the sun to tell them about it.  Right after DS was born, the family came in, scooped him up, and I never got to hold him until the nursery was done with him....hours later.  Visitors were in and out of the hospital to visit us, and I really felt like it made breastfeeding hard.  He was my first, and I was too "chicken" to tell people to leave so I could try to nurse.  When we made it home, it was like a revolving door.  We had no privacy! 

After my first baby, I learned to set boundaries.  It's hard, but I really needed to do it for bonding and sanity reasons. 

I attended a breastfeeding seminar over the weekend, and the speaker really stressed that after the baby is born, the mother is to be a mom, not a hostess.  IMO, if you do go through with all the visitors, and you plan on breastfeeding, create a hide-away for you and the baby.....actually a hide-away would be great if you don't breastfeed, too!  :smileyhappy:

 

 

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

Avatar for duchessdina
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:54am
That's a tough call. I think you need to talk with DH about limiting visitors. I have visitors who live close and so I don't think anyone is planning to stay. I don't think you will want to feel overwhelmed by visitors when a new baby is hard as it is.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2010
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:31am

Oh honey ... I FEEL for you!  I know that when I had my son I didn't put any restrictions on visitors & later wished I had.  Hospital visitors especially (my SO's best friend & his wife were at the hospital meer hours after I had given birth & his nosy great-aunt was there the next day & was offended when she caught a glimpse of me breast feeding, but that's another rant for another time).  And the last time I wasn't home a week before my SO's brother, sil & 3 kids descended on us, and that was just too much, WAY too much!

This time I have laid down the law ... NO hospital visitors except my parents (my mom will be in the delivery room with us, my dad will stay with our son) and our son, end of story, and my very wise SO is a-ok with that plan!  My family is ok because I can be comfortable around them, not feel like I have to be showered & looking presentable, and I don't have to even be personable or awake!  And short stay, day visitors are ok as well, but my new rule is NO overnight guests for at least the first month or two.  I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband.  There's just no way to know how you will feel after delivery and while you may be close to your MIL & welcome her, the rest of the clan I would have HIM tell to stay away until you are fully recovered & ready for company.  The other thing is that you will want to bond as a family, just the 3 of you, and that's really hard to do with so many other people around, even you MIL.  It's a very special time & if you're anything like me, you'll start to resent company being there when all you want is to spend some QT with your newly expanded family, and get used to being 3 instead of 2.  Luckily my parents (well, my mom but dad follows her lead) understands this & they didn't overstay their welcome last time & I know they won't this time either.  Family is supposed to be there to HELP you, and anything that puts extra stress or work on you, the new mother, needs to be postponed until you are back in the swing of things & are ready to play hostess.

Lilypie Maternity tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:45am
Jackie, you are right about the BFing thing. I didn't even think of that!
Photobucket

Pages