DH's family hates me =\

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
DH's family hates me =\
17
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:00am
His mother has been very vocal about her hatred for me, with no real reason except to say im a mistake and will ruin her sons life. His step dad is a loser who won't even look me on the eye and actual gets rude with me when I talk to DH's two year old brother. Some of his family is ok with me but I suspect that's only because they love my husband and respect that I am his wife and he wants it that way. That being said, I hate that as far as I know I have done nothing to this family and they hate me =\ I want to plan him a surprise birthday party in a few weeks and because his family won't talk to me it's almost impossible! And forget holiday dinner or anything =| she actually planned his little brothers party last week around my work schedule so I wouldn't be there! She's that pathetic and childish. Including publicly slamming me on Facebook in front of DH's friends! It's to the point where I don't know what to do about it anymore =\ I will never ask him to "pick sides" or anything like that but sometimes I wish he would stick up for me or something. I'm his wife for crying out loud! =\
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 6:37am

You need to talk to  your husband about it, you two need to be on the same side about  this and also he needs to know how you feel and talk to the family about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:19am
That's the problem is he doesn't talk to them about it =| he just says that it's their loss on not liking me and that I shouldn't let it get to me because he loves me and that's all that matters =\
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Registered: 03-23-2000
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:51am

I agree with misty that the two of you need to present a united front. He needs to know that their behavior hurts you and could eventually cause a strain in the relationship between the two of you. It isn't about him choosing sides; it's about him helping you settle into his family.

It's so hard to know why they are behaving this way. They may think they have a reason or it may just be completely irrational.

Is there anyone who is the least bit nice to you? If there is someone who behaves civily, I would reach out to that person, suggest going out, just the two of you, for coffee or lunch and see if they can give you some tips on how to get his family to warm up to you.

It doesn't sound like a surprise party if practical if they won't cooperate. You could plan something with his friends or abandon the surprise aspect and try to get them involved in a more traditional celebration.

Good luck!

RoseAnn

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Registered: 09-25-2010
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:58am
I agree with the others,
You need to sit down with DH & talk to him.
While he may not choose sides he should be very supportive of you & stand up for you as well.
Good luck & let us know if/when you do talk to your DH :smileyhappy:




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:18pm
Ive tried the talking to him. And his friends don't like me either. They are all pill heads and they blame me for him figuring this out, even though it was bound to happen. Ahhh sigh
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Registered: 09-25-2010
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:40pm
He needs new friends <g>
Tell him it's time to man up :smileyhappy:




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 9:26am

You need to talk again, but  be calm, collected and  tell him why and  how this make you feel alone and also ask him if you two cant find new friends who like you both.,

I dumped alot of friends in my left when they showned not to be true friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2009
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:30pm

I agree with everyone else that you definitely need to talk to your husband again.  

I strongly believe that once you get married, your spouse becomes your #1 and your spouse and children become your main family.  Everyone else is secondary to your family.  It's not about choosing sides, it's about the partnership you created by getting married and about nurturing that partnership in order to create a strong family structure to raise your children in.  

I told DH even before we got married that we needed to make sure to present a united front to both sets of our parents.  It is really the only way for them to take our relationship seriously and not overstep their boundaries.  Thankfully we haven't had a lot of those issues because he has always backed me up with his parents and I have done the same for him.   

He needs to set boundaries with his mother and enforce them.  He needs to decide what treatment from her towards you and your marriage that he can accept and what he can not, and when she over steps her boundaries he needs to let her know that it's unacceptable.  This isn't picking sides AT ALL.  It's creating healthy boundaries in a relationship between adults.  All adults have certian boundaries in their friendships and relationships that they will stand up for if they get crossed, and it should be no differents with parents once their child is an adult with their own family.  







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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 8:35pm

Some people are just stupid and unreasonable. This includes parents. What is key in cases where they dislike a daughter-in-law  is that their son stands up to them.

My friend L, whom I would have loved to have as an in-law, did not meet her in-laws overly high expectations. However, her husband aggressively took her side and even didn't let his parents know where they lived for a while. She is now married 23 years. Interestingly, her husband's two older siblings never wed. 

My friend S also was not accepted by her second husband's mother. The mother-in-law even refused to recognize the grandchild S gave birth to!!! However, the husband was a mama's boy and could never stand up his mom. S is now getting divorced.

So, for your marriage to survive, your husband must stand up on your behalf.

On a different note, I am troubled that no one in his life seems to like you. That is fairly unusual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 5:56am
Well the topic actually came up last night by hubby actually. We had been talking about his current step father. And he finally told me that a while back his mother had sent him a nasty message on Facebook of all places saying she didn't support his decision to marry me etc and he told her that she didn't have to, but if she wanted to continue bein nasty and disrespectful then she had no place in our life. So apparently this is why she has all of a sudden just been acting nice.
As for it seeming like no one in his life likes me, I'm probably just being over dramatic to a point. His fathers side of the family gets along just fine with me, and a few friends do,(he didn't have many to start with and they had all been old friends that he had known for years, they all never really did anything except go out to the bars, and once dex discovered they were doing pills and smoking pot on top of just going out to have fun, he cut them off from his life and I think they just think it was me being controlling).
I also think some of it has to do with the fact that I had a baby prior to DH and I getting together, which I'm not so sure why that still bothers people so much, I could understand if I was just using DH to support myself and my son but that wasnt the case. Hmm
My last longest real relationship(with my sons biological father) was pretty abusive, so I have a some pretty bad self esteem and confidence issues to begin with, which make things ten times worse in my
Head, because I always feel like I'm not good enough etc.

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