DH's family hates me =\

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
DH's family hates me =\
17
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:00am
His mother has been very vocal about her hatred for me, with no real reason except to say im a mistake and will ruin her sons life. His step dad is a loser who won't even look me on the eye and actual gets rude with me when I talk to DH's two year old brother. Some of his family is ok with me but I suspect that's only because they love my husband and respect that I am his wife and he wants it that way. That being said, I hate that as far as I know I have done nothing to this family and they hate me =\ I want to plan him a surprise birthday party in a few weeks and because his family won't talk to me it's almost impossible! And forget holiday dinner or anything =| she actually planned his little brothers party last week around my work schedule so I wouldn't be there! She's that pathetic and childish. Including publicly slamming me on Facebook in front of DH's friends! It's to the point where I don't know what to do about it anymore =\ I will never ask him to "pick sides" or anything like that but sometimes I wish he would stick up for me or something. I'm his wife for crying out loud! =\
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 9:03pm
Ouch! Sounds like a tough situation, but you and hubby definitely need to get on the same page! My inlaws don't like me (married into a family of ALL women who only like each other!) but they are at least subtle! Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 10:32pm

The problem here is your HUSBAND.

You should print this out and put it on your fridge:

You are being emotionally hurt and that is not okay. Chances are that the rest of the family is just following MIL's lead and/or hearing stories about you behind your back. Your DH needs to put this woman in check. It's up to HIM to defend you and protect - even from his own mother. Anything else is unacceptable. If it comes to the point that he needs to cut off all contact with her, then that his what he needs to do. She needs to understand that you are FIRST in your DH's life. That he chose you and that is HIS decision, not hers. Unless her opinion is asked for - she should have nothing to say about it. If anyone makes a rude or negative comment about you in his presence, he should defend just like he would to strangers.

I had a problem with my MIL too. I told my DH that I would not marry him unless he put me first. The situation escalated (his mother tried to "fight" - which just showed her immaturity) to the point that DH had to cut off all contact with his parents. She called ME 3 days later and said, "We'll never get along but I don't want to lose my son." So she decided to play nice. Of course, she made jabs at me during her speech at our wedding...but they were not overtly rude or inappropriate.

The thing you have to realize is that if children are involved here, they are going to SEE & HEAR their grandmother (who they are going to be told to love/respect/obey) speaking ill of their mother!!! What a dysfunctional and confusing situation to put children into! That is why this has to be nipped in the bud!

GL,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 9:41am

That is the  think with posetive brainwash, it sticks like glue and you are happpier for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 9:54pm
Thank to you ladies. For the most part DH and I have not had any relationship problems. And I don't
Foresee there being anything huge on the horizon. So hopefully people will see that.

I know a lot of it is from being "brainwashed". But boy does that crap stick with you =\
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 11:46am

So now when your husband is on your side, start building your  self confidence. There is a easy way, brainwash, you have been brain washed to be not good enough, but you can change that  by  telling your self you are.

Every morning and every night, when you are in the bathroom say to your self,  I love myself, I am great, I am the best and keep doing this and with in a year, you will belive this.  Oh and do it out  loud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 10:38am

I'm glad to hear your husband is standing up for you. Meanwhile, with time, if you continue to have a good relationship, other people in his life will come around to your side.They will see their initial concerns were ill-founded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 5:56am
Well the topic actually came up last night by hubby actually. We had been talking about his current step father. And he finally told me that a while back his mother had sent him a nasty message on Facebook of all places saying she didn't support his decision to marry me etc and he told her that she didn't have to, but if she wanted to continue bein nasty and disrespectful then she had no place in our life. So apparently this is why she has all of a sudden just been acting nice.
As for it seeming like no one in his life likes me, I'm probably just being over dramatic to a point. His fathers side of the family gets along just fine with me, and a few friends do,(he didn't have many to start with and they had all been old friends that he had known for years, they all never really did anything except go out to the bars, and once dex discovered they were doing pills and smoking pot on top of just going out to have fun, he cut them off from his life and I think they just think it was me being controlling).
I also think some of it has to do with the fact that I had a baby prior to DH and I getting together, which I'm not so sure why that still bothers people so much, I could understand if I was just using DH to support myself and my son but that wasnt the case. Hmm
My last longest real relationship(with my sons biological father) was pretty abusive, so I have a some pretty bad self esteem and confidence issues to begin with, which make things ten times worse in my
Head, because I always feel like I'm not good enough etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 8:35pm

Some people are just stupid and unreasonable. This includes parents. What is key in cases where they dislike a daughter-in-law  is that their son stands up to them.

My friend L, whom I would have loved to have as an in-law, did not meet her in-laws overly high expectations. However, her husband aggressively took her side and even didn't let his parents know where they lived for a while. She is now married 23 years. Interestingly, her husband's two older siblings never wed. 

My friend S also was not accepted by her second husband's mother. The mother-in-law even refused to recognize the grandchild S gave birth to!!! However, the husband was a mama's boy and could never stand up his mom. S is now getting divorced.

So, for your marriage to survive, your husband must stand up on your behalf.

On a different note, I am troubled that no one in his life seems to like you. That is fairly unusual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2009
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:30pm

I agree with everyone else that you definitely need to talk to your husband again.  

I strongly believe that once you get married, your spouse becomes your #1 and your spouse and children become your main family.  Everyone else is secondary to your family.  It's not about choosing sides, it's about the partnership you created by getting married and about nurturing that partnership in order to create a strong family structure to raise your children in.  

I told DH even before we got married that we needed to make sure to present a united front to both sets of our parents.  It is really the only way for them to take our relationship seriously and not overstep their boundaries.  Thankfully we haven't had a lot of those issues because he has always backed me up with his parents and I have done the same for him.   

He needs to set boundaries with his mother and enforce them.  He needs to decide what treatment from her towards you and your marriage that he can accept and what he can not, and when she over steps her boundaries he needs to let her know that it's unacceptable.  This isn't picking sides AT ALL.  It's creating healthy boundaries in a relationship between adults.  All adults have certian boundaries in their friendships and relationships that they will stand up for if they get crossed, and it should be no differents with parents once their child is an adult with their own family.  







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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 9:26am

You need to talk again, but  be calm, collected and  tell him why and  how this make you feel alone and also ask him if you two cant find new friends who like you both.,

I dumped alot of friends in my left when they showned not to be true friends.

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