Need Advice or Opinions Pls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Need Advice or Opinions Pls!
10
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 8:50am

Hello everyone - I am new to this board - I lurked all day yesterday but couldnt find any posts relating to my issue.  It has been a long time since I have been in a relationship and I could really use some advice here! 

I am a single parent of 2 kids (13 and 6).  I do not get any help and therefore, I struggle financially.  Money is something I am constantly stressed out about.  Thats just the way I am I guess!! 

I met someone over the summer and we hung out as friends all summer.  In August, he approached me about taking things to the next level.  I agreed as we had gotten to know each other over the summer and had many things in common.  Needless to say, the more time we spent together, the more I noticed that I was always the one spending money and he was never offering to pay for anything.  I like my wine and I like to have fun.  Well when we would spend time together, he would drink my wine, eat my food, smoke my cigarettes, etc without ever offering to buy or contribute financially.  When I talk to him about this, he said he is just struggling right now (he had one week where he did not work and did not get paid and is currently doing temp work) and soon he will be able to contribute.  Another week and the same thing of him taking and not contributing.  I got really tired of this.  A bottle of wine will usually last me a few nights and now it is gone in one night (just to put things in perspective).  He was also helping himself to food and drinks without even asking! Then if I tell him that I do not want to see him one night, he goes out - but when we went out together, he claimed he didnt have money to pay. 

So I started the discussion and he said I was arguing over "petty things".  We have actually had the same discussion 3 times in 3 weeks and nothing is changing and I am starting to feel like he is nothing but a freeloader.  To me, money is not petty.  I only make enough to support myself and my two children, not another grown adult and this is a very big turn off to me.  I guess I just want to hear from others if this is petty and am I being ridiculous?  We have been officially together for 6 weeks now and last night I basically ended things because I had told him I was going to do my own thing and I found out he was out (at a bar so spending money). 

I am just curious how other people would handle this and if I really am being petty. 

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts!  :

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 8:59am

I would like to assure you that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing petty about money discussions!  Money is the #1 reason for divorces in America.

What got me is not the fact that he is on a tight budget, but the fact that he took advantage of you.  (At the same time, people can only take advantage of you if you allow them to).  If he doesn't have any money, then he should quit drinking wine and smoking cigarettes.  You are right to think that your priority is yourself and your children, and should not be responsible for another grown man. 

I would have dumped him in a heart beat.

 

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:07am

You are definitely not being petty if he has never contributed to anything. Definitely he was a freeloader!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:26am

I would have dumped the dude as well.

I like to think that when I was dating, I was generous and made it a point to wine n' dine my date as much as they did with me.  But if I was paying for everything all the time, then yeah I'd be mad too. 

 

 

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:41am

No you're not being petty--he was taking advantage.  I'm not of the belief that the man should pay for everything either but men with self respect would not be using everything of their GFs and not contributing any money either.  If he was really low on money he should have told you & asked if you would be willing to each pay for your own expenses, but he shouldn't expect you to pay for everything--and as you said, he could afford to go out by himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:51am

ok!  Thanks everyone - yes he did have me second guessing whether or not I was doing the right thing by calling me petty.  I felt guilty because in this economy, it is hard for someone to get a job - but he doesnt even look as much as I think he should....6 weeks in and all these issues?  No thanks!!    I'm just thankful that I have learned from mistakes I have made in the past and wont tolerate crap like this anymore.  Oh well.........another one bites the dust lmao. :womanlol:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 7:55pm

Eww!!  Dump him IMMEDIATELY.  I'm sorry, but whether or not he has money is irrelevant..  A good man would not want to take advantage; a good man would be trying to find ways to take you out and pay for YOU.  He IS a freeloader!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 10:34am

Thank you everyone.  I did end the relationship and I told him why.  I also explained that he is not as motivated to find full time work as I would have hoped and he seems content working at Labor Ready for the rest of his life.  All he said was "LOL if thats how you feel" so clearly it was the right choice for me to make.  Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts because it did help me realize that I was thinking right and that I was doing the right thing!