Confused about this friendship.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Confused about this friendship.......
4
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 9:39am

Hi Everyone,

I've posted about this one before......some of you may tell me to get my head out of my butt and end this friendship, which I totally accept........!!

Unfortunately I don't have any single girlfriends any longer and I met this current person in a pub about six years ago.  He is a great guy - we get along well, but he is (unhappily) married.  Although we have never had any physical relationship, there were times when I did think it became inappropriate (too much time spent together, talking on the phone, etc.) and I ended the friendship.  We started talking again, but gave it pretty clear boundaries so we wouldn't reach that "edge" again.  We have been hanging out on the week-ends, etc. and he has been a great support to me through this move and the previous unemployment.

So I am in my new apartment (which is quite a bit more of a distance to where he is) and I have been in my new job approximately 8 months.  I have to admit, I had to move anyway, but part of my objective was that if he were not as close, it would (naturally) curtail the friendship and I would have to go out and meet other people........

Things are good where I am now (apartment wise), but it's one of those neighbourhoods that's been fairly recently gentrified, and I didn't feel comfortable going out on my own (I would in my old area, but I knew where to go, and where not to go).  We both had some holidays over the last week-end, so he came over a couple of times and we went out.  When we do go out in this case, he *has* to stay over, because if we have even a couple of beers, it's not okay for him to drive the distance home - I accept that.  I guess I found his manners kind of umm.......!!

I have a dog, so if someone else is there in the morning, she tends to get distracted and wake me up early....usually it's best of the person staying over (as he does, on the couch) leaves when they wake up, instead of hanging around......well unfortunately he did just that.......I also went to take my dog out quickly in the morning, and when I came back the sound of water was on and he opened the door - he was rubbing his HEAD (e.g. hair - kind of dirty) with my towel.  In my building there are only two washing machines for use and they cost $1.75/cycle!! I just looked at him like - umm.......okay.......

So we were talking the next day and he mentioned that he "got hungry" during the night (he is probably 150 lbs overweight) and got up to get a drink of water and ate "some of my pasta salad" (it was a container - there was no fork, so he must have eaten it from the tub!!).  Thank goodness he told me - I threw it out the next day.......

I notice also that he has this real "know it all" attitude........my area is considered downtown west, but he lives in the most Eastern part of the suburbs (no crossover).  Yet, he likes to say that he remembers being at this place or that place (when it's clearly incorrect).  When we went to the pub, he mentioned - "Oh - I remember being here but it was called Fogarty's".  I told him that actually that pub was further up the street........

Oh......and this was odd......I've expressed concern before over him spending so much time hanging out with me vs. his wife but he says he's not missed, etc. etc. So the night he was over and we decided to go out, he went out to move his car to a different spot, and all of a sudden I got this text saying "Up in (cottage country) with Chris - back tomorrow.  What do you want for your birthday dinner?".  I confronted him about it when he came in (jokingly) and said that there's nothing to hide from his wife - he insisted that the text was meant for one of his friends, as the guy constantly bugs him to go out if he's around........

Soo......it's obvious we need some kind of break (possibly permanent).......but this guy has been a very supportive friend......I know it's a weird set up........I am actually looking forward to the fact that it's the Canadian Thanksgiving this week-end because then I will be up at my parents.  As it is, we usually have a "standing arrangement" that he comes over on Sundays and we go out........he is on holiday all of this week and has already mentioned coming to work to take me out to lunch........

Hmmphh!! I feel shallow but......somehow I feel like this situation is getting under my skin.........I am single so I hang out with him for companionship, but I think in doing that it prevents me from seeking out the type of companionship one should really have (possible dates/friendships, etc.)........

Thoughts? I know.....it can be brutal.....

Mel :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:38am

Hi,

Yes, that would be the normal solution music........it's kinda weird how it started out with him - everyone thought we were having an affair and then we both stopped hanging around this pub.  Other people commented on how we were "best friends" but I think it's obvious that if I'm out with him, people assume we are together, even though there's no physical relationship.

When we first started hanging out together, he told me that he consulted an attorney and basically he wouldn't have enough money to support everything if he left the household (he makes good money, but his wife works retail and the kids - 20 and 22 ish still live at home).  He also spends a lot of money drowning his sorrows regarding his situation.....Seems like a weird set up, but I don't question it.......I guess when I got that text, I thought - well even if he is lying to his buddy, how often has he lied to me.....even as a friend about what goes on......I really don't know I guess. 

Boo.......I think meeting people is like a muscle......you just have to keep flexing it or it will turn to flab!! lol

Mel

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 11:15am

I think it's easier to hang out w/ your old reliable friend, who apparently doesn't make any moves on you even if he stays over and I'm assuming is physically not attractive to you since you mentioned that he's overweight and you're kind of grossed out by his behavior.  It is hard to make new friends but you're not going to make them if you either go out w/ this guy all the time or sit at home alone.  You just have to take the steps to try to meet single people and I think you know what they are--join some kind of groups geared to singles, go to a gym, take some classes--anything.  I think sometimes it's better to try to meet a couple of women you can hang around with and then you can go with them & try to figure out how to meet men.  But it's wierd that he can go out every weekend w/ you when he's married--if he's so unhappy, why aren't they just getting divorced?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:48am

He is married and its time to let go and send him home to his wife for good.

Its def. crossing the line and it could lead to something else and dont do that to yourself... You deserve better ..

There are plenty of men to find out there even as friends so go and do it and shut this down asap...

IMHO

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:40am

I am guessing that when you said "there was no fork" you meant, in the sink.  I am hoping he washed it and put it away - otherwise, yeah, gross!

I'm not going to offer you any advice because your instincts seem on point.  Exhibit A:  "I am single so I hang out with him for companionship, but I think in doing that it prevents me from seeking out the type of companionship one should really have (possible dates/friendships, etc."