New to this board
Find a Conversation
|Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:52am|
I am pretty new on this board. Just looking to release a little of the emotions that just build up and seem to push me down. My doctor thinks that I hava a situational depression. There is a lot of stuff that is feeding the depression (which may be causing anxiety as well). So this is going to be pretty long and still not cover everything.
The biggest thing is that I lost my mother-in-law a little over a month ago. She was really a wonderful person and it was expected that she would leave us, but not nearly so soon. She had a lung condition and she was okay when she left us in July to visit my BIL, but while she was up there, her condition worsened and she had to go to the hospital three times. The week she died, she was ready to be released from the hospital on Sunday but she got a fever and by Tuesday she was gone. She was so like a mother to me and I miss her so very much. Her death seems to have brought up my Mother's unexpected passing about 4 years ago. I never really let myself greive fully then, I was trying to be the "strong" one for my family, plus I just couldn't face the fact that she is gone. There was already a huge gaping hole in my heart and losing my MIL just ripped that open more.
I think I could still deal with everything except that I have been under such a state of exhaustion for months as well. I have a 2-yo and had been working full time at home with my MIL to watch him while I worked. My SIL and BIL had wanted to force us to put my son into daycare by buying tickets for my MIL to come to their house very last minute (like within the week) and then keeping her up there for several weeks. The reason why I chose NOT to put him into daycare was because we knew my MIL's health was failing and I wanted them to have as much time together as possible. I had told my MIL that as long as she was physically capable of watching him and wanted to do it, I would not take him away from her. But it was really hard on me to work full-time and watch a toddler. I would get up early for work and let him sleep a blt longer than I liked and he started pushing back how late he would stay awake. My husband teaches college and this summer he had a horrible schedule that kept him out until after 11pm and the baby would either not go to sleep until after Daddy got home or he would wake up when he heard the door and be up for hours. I wasn't getting to sleep until like 3am and then getting up for work by 8am. I was too exhausted to keep up the housework and watch him and work. Since I had to watch him and I had to work, the state of my house fell into utter chaos. My husband is no help there. He is constantly bringing things into the house and not putting it into the "storage" room and he doesn't want me to move it because "I don't know the right place to put it". Well I just want to yell that the wrong place is in my @(#U*$ living room. And of course, my stupid dryer is on it's last legs and in order to get a new one installed, I am going to have to completely move everything from my laundry. And I just don't have the energy to dive right into that task the way I normally would.
In addition to everything else, about a week before my MIL dies, I learn that I am getting laid off at work due to restructuring. I have been killing myself to do this job at the cost of so many other things in my life and just like that 17 years of work with a company is gone. Although I have to say, I mostly count this as a relief, because now I can try to focus on my life and getting back to the place where I am not so depressed about everything falling apart. But there is still a core of me that has identified myself with my work for a long time that is broken now, too. It took me 10 years of trying to have my son (we were married 15 years when he was born), so there was a lot of myself that I put into identifying with my work rather than with the fact that I was going through infertility.
So now I just want to cry and crying is a relief. That is actually when I feel more like myself. I have been unable to eat well. I force myself to eat because I know I have to, but the thought of food makes me sick. When I don't eat enough, I have been feeling shaky and sick which makes me start obsessing over if there is something wrong with me. I just don't feel like me in my skin sometimes. I am usually a very happy and optimistic person, so depressed me feels even more off. I don't even have to be thinking of my MIL or my job or anything and still I get a sick feeling just sinking into my gut. I don't want to be like this. I have gotten through other rough patches in my life without sinking so low. Why now? I have a child and I can't be this depressed version of me. He needs a Mom who feels like herself, who isn't crying all the time.
I know that it will get better. I know that I will get up and take every day as they come and try to move forward one step at a time. I am trying not to have to do any medication right now because I am still nursing, but if it comes to that I will. I just want to be me again. I am sure you all understand that sentiment very well.
Thanks for letting me vent.