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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2000
New to this board
5
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 10:52am

Hi,

I am pretty new on this board.  Just looking to release a little of the emotions that just build up and seem to push me down.  My doctor thinks that I hava a situational depression.  There is a lot of stuff that is feeding the depression (which may be causing anxiety as well).  So this is going to be pretty long and still not cover everything.

The biggest thing is that I lost my mother-in-law a little over a month ago.  She was really a wonderful person and it was expected that she would leave us, but not nearly so soon.  She had a lung condition and she was okay when she left us in July to visit my BIL, but while she was up there, her condition worsened and she had to go to the hospital three times.  The week she died, she was ready to be released from the hospital on Sunday but she got a fever and by Tuesday she was gone.  She was so like a mother to me and I miss her so very much.  Her death seems to have brought up my Mother's unexpected passing about 4 years ago.  I never really let myself greive fully then, I was trying to be the "strong" one for my family, plus I just couldn't face the fact that she is gone. There was already a huge gaping hole in my heart and losing my MIL just ripped that open more.

I think I could still deal with everything except that I have been under such a state of exhaustion for months as well.  I have a 2-yo and had been working full time at home with my MIL to watch him while I worked.  My SIL and BIL had wanted to force us to put my son into daycare by buying tickets for my MIL to come to their house very last minute (like within the week) and then keeping her up there for several weeks.  The reason why I chose NOT to put him into daycare was because we knew my MIL's health was failing and I wanted them to have as much time together as possible.  I had told my MIL that as long as she was physically capable of watching him and wanted to do it, I would not take him away from her.   But it was really hard on me to work full-time and watch a toddler.  I would get up early for work and let him sleep a blt longer than I liked and he started pushing back how late he would stay awake.  My husband teaches college and this summer he had a horrible schedule that kept him out until after 11pm and the baby would either not go to sleep until after Daddy got home or he would wake up when he heard the door and be up for hours.  I wasn't getting to sleep until like 3am and then getting up for work by 8am.  I was too exhausted to keep up the housework and watch him and work.  Since I had to watch him and I had to work, the state of my house fell into utter chaos.  My husband is no help there.  He is constantly bringing things into the house and not putting it into the "storage" room and he doesn't want me to move it because "I don't know the right place to put it".  Well I just want to yell that the wrong place is in my @(#U*$ living room.  And of course, my stupid dryer is on it's last legs and in order to get a new one installed, I am going to have to completely move everything from my laundry.  And I just don't have the energy to dive right into that task the way I normally would.

In addition to everything else, about a week before my MIL dies, I learn that I am getting laid off at work due to restructuring.  I have been killing myself to do this job at the cost of so many other things in my life and just like that 17 years of work with a company is gone.  Although I have to say, I mostly count this as a relief, because now I can try to focus on my life and getting back to the place where I am not so depressed about everything falling apart.  But there is still a core of me that has identified myself with my work for a long time that is broken now, too.  It took me 10 years of trying to have my son (we were married 15 years when he was born), so there was a lot of myself that I put into identifying with my work rather than with the fact that I was going through infertility.  

So now I just want to cry and crying is a relief.  That is actually when I feel more like myself.  I have been unable to eat well.  I force myself to eat because I know I have to, but the thought of food makes me sick.  When I don't eat enough, I have been feeling shaky and sick which makes me start obsessing over if there is something wrong with me.  I just don't feel like me in my skin sometimes.  I am usually a very happy and optimistic person, so depressed me feels even more off.  I don't even have to be thinking of my MIL or my job or anything and still I get a sick feeling just sinking into my gut.  I don't want to be like this.  I have gotten through other rough patches in my life without sinking so low.  Why now?  I have a child and I can't be this depressed version of me.  He needs a Mom who feels like herself, who isn't crying all the time. 

I know that it will get better.  I know that I will get up and take every day as they come and try to move forward one step at a time.  I am trying not to have to do any medication right now because I am still nursing, but if it comes to that I will.  I just want to be me again.  I am sure you all understand that sentiment very well.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Cilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 8:26am

Hi Cilla,

Am new to this board too, but I just wanted to reply so that you know you are not alone.

Am so sorry to hear you are struggling with grief, It can leave such a gaping hole in your life to lose someone. And it sounds like her death was the last straw for you, sounds like you were already stressed out beforehand. Easier said than done, I know, but please dont beat yourself up about having 'coped' before, but not doing so now, it really wont help. The fact is, this IS how are you feeling at this moment in time. You have lost your job, AND lost someone close to you. Either event on its own would make anyone feel terrible, so its no suprise that dealing with both events in close succession has left you down. Please, please talk to someone, whoever you are most comfortable talking to, a friend, husband, or if you need some impartiality, your Dr or a grief counsellor? Certainly a Dr would be able to advise on medication whilst nursing. I can understand your reluctance to resort to meds, but sometime they enable you to lift your head over the parapet long enough to see what you need to do.

And I know how hard it is to eat, Like you I have lost my appetite, & its horrible, but the sickness you describe will only be made worse by lack of food. Previously, I have been given prescribed exercise through my Dr, I was given a 12 wk subscription to a local gym, I s this something you feel might help? Is there anyone who could look after the baby for a hr or so whilst you go for a swim, or perhaps you could pop him in a pushchair & go for a long walk? I know its hard to drag yourself up, & hark at me, its so much easier to dole out advice than take it! But you are right, it will get better.

Much love & support I hope you get there x 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 2:55pm

Hey Cilla,

a warm welcome to the board. You sure sound like you are getting snowed under with a lot of stuff right now. That combined with your bereavements have really pulled you down. Often we manage to keep ourselves going despite all the things around us that are stressing us out until one more thing piles onto us and we go under.

I appreciate you may not want to go on medication  because you are still nursing but maybe weaning your little one and taking medication might be the better option. It would help you be you again and make it easier to cope.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 2:57pm

Hey Rubymabs,

a warm welcome to you as well.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 6:32pm

Cilla, I would love to just wrap my arms around you and take some of your burden from your shoulders. You sound unbelievably overwhelmed. I have been there. I missed a really good portion of my sons first 18 mo due to depression. I am going to give you some safe things to try to help you up from where you are. My dr has me taking a B complex vitamin, a multi (you are probably still taking prenatals?), bee pollen and up that protein. My husband finally convinced me to try his whey protein powder. I mix a scoop with ice cream,  yogurt, cream of wheat, oatmeal or just fruit punch. Those supplements are not for depression persay but for energy. Having energy goes a really long way with depression. It gives me the extra motivation to get dressed and out of the house. Take a deep breath mama. Fake it til you make it. Get dressed and do your hair/makeup every day. Plan some meals (break, lunch, dinner) and eat them whether you feel like it or not. Set small goals for yourself. Mine started with talking to at least one friend a day for 5 min. Then I upped it to getting out of the house at least once a day even if it was just to drive thru Mcds for a coffee. Eventually I started to feel like me again. I still have bad days but at least my weeks aren't just one long bad day. You can do this. Even if it is only one hour at a time. My dr had me get a day planner and every hour write whether it was a good hour or a bad hour. Slowly I started seeing that I had more good hours than bad hours. Another exercise was to write one thing I was thankful for each hour to help me focus on the good and not what was overwhelming me. I have faith in you. You will win this battle. 

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 11:31am

cillakay

Welcome to our board!!  Thanks for sharing.

I can so relate to your post and what your going through.  I am sorry to hear of your MIL passing.  I am also close to my MIL and like you, my Mother passed away years ago.  I have 2 children.

I had a real hard time with my mother's passing and there is a long post somewhere here on one of the boards about my experience.  In a nutshell, my mom passed in 1997, I am the baby of the family.  After she passed, I went into a deep depression and did not eat.  Lost a great deal of weight and friends convinced me to go to the dr.  Went to a psychiatrist and well, I was handed anti depressant prescriptions and the result is:  14 years of numbness because the medication numbed me from crying, so I did not grieve my mom's loss.  I had a big eye opening in counseling back in January.  In session, I realized that for the past 14 years, drugs were replacing me grieving.  I went off Effexor and still now after all these years, feeling what I wish I would of felt years ago but was too numb.

Sorry for going on there.  Would you consider a grievement support group?  I went to one when my mom passed and it helped.  Hospitals often offer them.

I just want you to know that I understand how it feels to loose a Mother.  My MIL is like a mom to me too, so I can relate to you.  Not sure if I helped any, just know, your not alone and please post and share anytime.

Big hug to you!!