It's taking all of my strength....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
It's taking all of my strength....
10
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 12:07pm

Day 10...I think...Sept 23 was last contact...and it was ugly.  After 10+ years of believing that this would end with us together, found out he was cheating ON me as well as WITH me.  Deal breaker after all the time we had spent together and the closeness that (I thought) we shared.  I said horrible things to him, with the last thing being "I hope you go straight to hell". His response and the last thing I heard him say was .."I probably will"  His defeated voice sounded so sad it felt like kicking a puppy.  I have no doubt this man loved me...to the best of his ability anyway...and heaven knows I loved him with all my heart and soul.  I think it would be easier if he had been mad or lashed out in any way at me while I ranted, raved and ended the relationship. Instead, he took it...kept saying he was sorry....very defeated sounding.  HOWEVER, he has made no move to contact me in any way to apologize for ANYTHING (This after hearing from him 10 or more times a day during the A).  SO.....why it is tearing me apart that the last thing he heard from me was "I hope you go straight to hell"? Is it CRAZY to think of breaking NC to tell him that I want to honor the good times that we had by ending with a little dignity instead of the hateful words I hurled at him?  I already know the answer to this but I guess I just want feedback from others who have been there before me......And please don't feel you have to be kind...I think I respond better to the tough love....lol....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Hi

Of course you didn't know at the time that other reason NC works in our favor...so we don't shoot off our mouth and feel badly about it and then agonize about it further.  Silence is golden.

I was queen of shoot off her mouth.  And that only started up a viscious cycle of having to apologize for being mean, when I wasn't really a mean person.  But doing that started things up again, 'til I was disappointed once again, and so I'd shoot off my mouth again, and then would give my big fat Jewish apology...and around and around we'd go.  And I said way worse things than 'go straight to hell'...hell, that's mild :smileywink:

So yes, it is crazy to break NC.  What good would it do?  You don't know how he would respond.  Do you think he'd come around and apologize because you apologized? Maybe...maybe not.  And wouldn't that just anger you eventually...thinking you apologized and he still did not?  And wouldn't that make you just want to lay into him again for not apologizing?  See how you are never going to feel better..and how it will only serve to keep you engaged?

Stay the course.


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 12:54pm

I agree with Clarity. BTDT. Got the hurt-puppydog visual, which is even worse than the audio. There's nothing like being made to feel as if you should have acted more fairly, more "ethically," by the person you were having an A with who has just had an A on you! At least you weren't stepping out on your spouse (like me). But your xAP sounds like a pretty familiar type--someone who won't actually end his marriage, because that would cause conflict and be stressful to him and he would have to engage with reality. it's just easier to slide through someone else's door. Like a stray cat. The less responsibility he has to take for his actions--thereby ensuring YOU are the one to act--the easier it is for him.

You are entitled to your anger. Don't cave.

--Birdsong

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
I read on here, and it was true for my NC struggle, what you really want is a connection to xap. Your mind comes up with all these 'should have', 'could have', excuses, when what you really long for is a connection. There'll always be a 'reason' to break NC if you don't stick to it hard and strong!

You have a long road ahead of you, but you are doing fantastic!!!!

Gypsy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012

I don't "know" you all, but I feel as if I do.....Sitting here with tears streaming because you have all been where I am, and care enough to talk me down off the ledge.  The advice here is so "spot on" that I feel like my life was a reality show broadcast that you all were able to see.  And Birdsong, you nailed the description of him so well, I am thinking you must know him personally.  So much so that I was laughing and crying at the same time.  I am still in such shock over the whole thing ending the way it did but with each day I feel stronger and stronger.  And it IS true that nothing but pain would ever come from contacting him.  Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart......

better

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007

Going thru pretty much the same thing that you are.  Just found out that my AP was cheating on me with some woman I work with.  I was with him for six years but I knew he was never leaving the W.  I haven't gone psycho on him yet which I'm surprise at myself.  I work with him so It's not like I can rant and rave at him and never see him again.  That would be easy.  It's all bottled up inside. Whatever you said to your AP, he deserves it!!!  If I could I would tell my AP off in a psycho rage, and never see or hear from him again.  That would be great. So my advice is NC. You said what you needed to say.  Let him stew in your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012

Hi. Your story is very similar to mine - 5 years- we broke it off a couple days ago, I found out he had been trying to sleep with other women hence the 4 profiles I found on sex websites even though it was supposed to be a 5 year exclusive relationship. I am single - it broke my heart to find  out - it had been going downhill anyway because of him getting closer to his wife. so that was the deal breaker. i couldnt forgive him and  he didn't fight for me, he deleted the account we used to i.m and he is gone..it was ugly - the things I said to him. I was devastated and it was the last blow. The next day after the break up, I sent him a goodbye email and told him I didnt want to end it on a sour note, that it was not what we represented, that what we had was beautiful until he destroyed it. He never replied - and he didnt even deserve it but I done it for me.  I sent it to his main email. I do feel better about writing the email, he now knows I am not mad at him but mad at what he had become. I am having withdrawal symptoms big time but he became too toxic. started seeing each other less and less and last time we saw each other before the break up was a month prior. Now I know why - he was keeping himself busy why I kept getting more frustrated by the day.  then he blamed me for "becoming that" He will never get it. I'd say write an email. Closure u know..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 1:45pm

I don't think sending an email to find closure 15 days later is a good idea.  It would only serve to show JAM that you (you in general) are still engaged...and didn't we boost their egos enough?  

Now an email sent to a draft folder is a great idea.  Our emotions change minute by minute while distressed from our ending and what we may tell them one minute may change the next...and we'll wish we can take it back because maybe just moments later we think that they didn't deserve to know our inner most feelings or pain.  Or sometimes we get carried away and get angry and say things we'll wish we can take back.  And chances are good they'll be thinking "Sheesh, can't she just move on?"  Or sending that last email can cause a discovery day.  Having to have the last word could end up being our undoing.

Silence...especially this far out...is golden.  Closure is found within, but getting it all out in a draft form...never to be sent...is a good way to get it out.  You can go back and revise it as your emotions change.

Silence is golden and allows us to bow out with grace and dignity.

I'm glad, however, that you feel you found peace in doing so.

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Ok...ugh...here it goes. You asked for tough love...or as my old EAS friend Dee would call it, "a dose of reality"

Why would you not think that this man would cheat on you. I do not know your details. However, I do know that if he does it to the women he chose to marry, he would do it to you. I do not care how much he complains about W. If he married her, at one point and even possibly now, he held her in high esteem. This is wife, the women who shares his bed, and his name...and probably children. What makes you think he would not hurt you just like he has hurt her. What makes you think that your any more special to him than she is?

And love....sweetheart. Love does not hide. Love is not quick sex and deplorable places. No that is not love. I know that you may think this person loved you and vice versa, stay no contact and you shall see in time. No one could tell me that man did not love me and I did not love him. Time told me a whole different story. If he will throw you under the bus, then how is that love?
What is talking to him going to accomplish? Protect yourself. BLOCK. Stop waiting on that call or text....take your life back. Yes it will suck and yes it will hurt...would you rather deal with that or be one of many of his chicks on the side? Cuz that is what we are in A's. We are the side chicks...we come last in their lives.
Honor good times? Really. Good times for who? I am now disgusted at my behavior during those so called good times. Sorry if this stings....but I still cant seem to get rid of that icky feeling I have that makes me feel dirty from all the dumb shiz I did while in my A's....yep, my cracked out self, had not one, but two. So I can relate in every way imaginable.
Now remember you asked for it....I am truly wishing you much peace and strength. DO NOT CONTACT him. It will only hurt you more than you think....stay the course.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
oh and congratulations on day 14 or so....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida