sister in law

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2012
sister in law
3
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 12:16pm

Hi all,

I am new here, looking for somewhere to discuss all things wedding. I have been engaged for 3 months now, and our wedding date is June 1 2013.

However, I have a dilemma. My fiancee's sister was married 18 months ago, and at that time, we postponed our engagement as to not ruin her special time. He had already purchased the ring,and it was to be my birthday gift....and I had to wait over a year to get it (i did get some perfume for that birthday as well!!). Just a little background. Now, as we are exactly 8 months from our wedding, and one week from our engagement party, she announces her pregnancy. Normally, this would be exciting news for all. However, she made the comment to a close friend within weeks of our engagement that she would "be 9 months pregnant or have a newborn at their wedding". So, this was planned to coincide with our wedding. We are having a "destination" wedding, it's not terribly far from home, but most guests are staying the weekend in a hotel. Ok, that being said, her due date is exactly 11 days prior to our wedding. So, either she will be VERY pregnant (and there have been suggestions that we move the venue closer to home, and the hospital here), or she will have a week old newborn at my wedding. This is also the first child of our generation, and sure to be the center of everyone's attention.

That being said, and also noted, this was PLANNED to coincide with our wedding, she began to send daily texts updating me on the development of her child. At the end of my rope, I wrote her back, and asked her to please consider my feelings, and to remember that I am planning my wedding, and right now, that's the most exciting and happy thing in MY life. She then told me that it's her first child, and if I want to be that way, fine. Then, she complained to my fiancee, and her parents. This has clearly caused some tension between us, but once again, nobody has considered my feelings...and I am unsure of how to handle it from this point. It's also worth mentioning that she doesn't "approve" of our relationship (we don't meet her religous standards), and she has told us, on more than one occasion how wrong we are, and that we are going to hell. I, at this point, am ready to cut my losses, and let her know that if she is unsupportive of our relationship, plus wants everything to be about her, then she can just not attend wedding festivities, while letting her know that she's more than welcome at all times, as long as she can attend and be happy for us.

Sorry for the long crazy post, I'm feeling VERY frustrated!

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: vjclark
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:43pm

Hi VJ,

How sad your SIL is being a drama queen about everything. Anyone who plans their conception to coincide with another family member's main event is narcasisistic and an attention-grabber.

Here's my two cents:

I take it you are engaged to her brother? Well, then, your fiance, her brother, needs to set boundaries here with the sister, i.e. "I don't appreciate how you're treating my finacee, and I want it to stop." He should also talk to his parents about her behavior. He make have to talk to the husband as well. This woman is being allowed to act like a brat by the rest of the family and someone needs to put her in her place.

Do not change or modify your wedding date, location, or plans to accommodate this woman. She's chosen her priorities and now SHE has to make arrangements to accommodate her circumstances - not the other way around. If she's too pregnant to come, so sorry, she doesn't come! If she's in labor when you're walking down the aisle, then her husband should be with her and you shouldn't expect him to show up for the wedding. Your life shouldn't stop because of her.

Personally, if she gave me the "change the location so I'm closer to the hospital garbage," this is what I'd say: "You obviously planned to give birth at the same time as my wedding. If you didn't want to come, why don't you just say so? I'll take you off the guest list now." And then I'd let her figure out how to reply. She needs to be confronted about her poor behavior. She's being very selfish and narcassistic.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: vjclark
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 11:04am
I'm sorry you are frustrated & I'm sure this is hard for you but as a Mom I have to say that you both have a little growing up to do. Yes, it is a special day for you but can't there be more than one focus during the next few months & around the time of your special day. The day should be special because of your marriage commitment not because you want to be the centre of attention at a party. Work on making your ceremony so special to the two of you that you don't care if there are any other people attending. Don't change your plans because you have the right to have your wedding the way you want to. The same as your SIL has the right to have a child when she wants to. Why would your fiance wait a yr to give you your engagement ring? That is crazy. My son & daughter were both engaged within 5 mths of each other & each celebrated for the other. The competition started back when you & your fiance decided to delay getting engaged. My DD's BIL got engaged 2 wks before my DD's wedding. Again, it was a happy time for all to share. Did you expect your SIL to put her baby plans on hold until after your wedding? No matter how pregnant she wanted to be at your wedding, she couldn't guarantee it would happen. Even if she made the comment you heard, you have no way of knowing unless you asked her directly if she got pregnant to steal your limelight. Also, your expectation that she not share her pregnancy for the 9 mths is very unfair. You are making a commitment & so is she. Shouldn't you both be able to share your happy thoughts? My DS is to be married next May & his sister is in the wedding party. She lost a baby 11 mths ago & in spite of trying for several mths to get pregnant again, she wasn't sucessful until recently. She told her brother & his fiancee that she was going to stop trying 7 mths before their wedding date for 3 mths. His fiancee said there was no need as she had chosen a bridesmaid's dress that would accomodate a 9 mth tummy. So next May my DD will walk down the aisle 8 1/2 mths pregnant with the blessing of the bride or she may miss the wedding if she goes into labour. We are all aware of this & it isn't taking anything away from anyone's happy event. My DD doesn't agree with her bro's wedding plans. She thinks they are too young & the couple understands how she feels. They have talked about it & the decision was to just support each other. This is a mature relationship, not a competition with hurt/angry feelings on both sides. You are setting your future relationship with your inlaws during these mths. You don't want to create angry feelings & have your fiance be stuck in the middle. Relax & enjoy your special time without worrying that your SIL is getting attention you feel you should be getting. There is no guarantee that your fiance's family would give you the same focus as they did their DD & her wedding plans. Sorry but it's not the same when it's your DS getting married. My DS is my baby & I love his fiancee but I'm not as engaged in this wedding as I was in my DD's. Weddings are a special time for Moms & Daughters. Dee