Im curios about those that have had contact since ending it.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Im curios about those that have had contact since ending it.......
10
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 4:22pm

Well I kind of wanted to talk about this since reading a few other posts about people being out of sorts as I am once again back in that hole myself.  So I have been out of the A for 4.5 months now. I have not been no contact all that time. In fact I am probally the worse one on this board for breaking it.  I hate that I do it.  But I still do.  And I guess Im curious for the ones that have broken no contact what exactly you talk about and how it all ends. I know for me after its all said and done...i think what was the purpose of that...where did it get me..sigh......I hate affairs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Im probably right up there with you. Well was that is! It got worse and worse each time. Its almost I gave him more and more of my power and of course he did the obvious.. took adavantage. He did not take me seriously at all! He even ignored me at the end. Best thing he did though. So thank you XAP! I will NOT go back for new hurts! Im done with it! Something I really should have done a very long time ago. By saying DONE I mean by never going back on my promise to self! I dont even want to reach out as it is not what I wanted. My ego wanted that final stroke. That is all. I am trying to nourish myself again and I am ignoring what my ego's needs are at the moment! Its funny as I was trying to get that EGO stroke all it did was bruise it more and more each NC! Hmmm... DEF what the previous poster said. NC does equal NO NEW HURTS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
omg "so glad it's over" we might have been having an affair with the same guy! I am new here and I will explain my story - 5 year LDR. He told me the same b.s - they are just roomates, he loves her but not in love with her, his 25th anniversary is around the corner , he wouldn't give me any details (said he didnt make plans yet) he always pretends that but i the end always comes up with something huge. instead said he was just stressed about it and couldn't wait to get it over and done with - yeah right. they went to venice and all over europe most of the time without even giving me heads up since LDR and then he'll get caught after me snooping on her f.b and after him going N.C or less contact for that period of time. Ended it a few days ago because I found out he cheated on me with his highschool sweetheart and that he has 4 profiles on the web looking for sex. i was devastated. I couldnt share him with everyone - his wife was enough. we also had agreed on an exclusive relationship. I ended it - it was nasty - he tried to blame it on me saying I had changed. I am single btw and had not seen him in over a month. He cancelled 2 meetups before we broke up. It was the last straw - I was just a sex toy - he called me that and I used to think it was cute. He used his kids as an excuse not to leave his marraige but the truth is that he loves his wife (Obviously not a roomate situation) I was never gonna win and I knew it. It just kept dragging on and on. I didnt want her to win and I kept holding on but I was miserable. we broke up and made up a zillion times. did he fight ffor me after the "i loves u's" and ' we are specia'l and 'if only..' and 'we will never not be together'? nop. he deleted everything and moved on. probably didnt shed a tear. his wife knew about the A the whole time and welcomes him back with open arms. I am sorry for the rant and no I had N.C from him and I doubt I'll ever will. He is only capable to fight and care for his family. I am not sure he loved me, not asmuch as he loves his wife anyway and I think he was mostly addicted to the sex while he kept coming back until I busted him. Had to share out similar stories.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
only you can break the cycle...seriously. The choice and power lies within you. An A while like a disease, is not. WE CAN let them go. It's tough, but totally doable. Commit and join us and we can support you and help you get you thru when you get that itch...you could come here and we could help your sort it out and talk you off the ledge. But you have to do the work. Are you ready?
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
My A ended beginning of May, but working with XAP and having to have LC contact has meant its been so easy to slip back in to more than just work talk. Sometimes he'd just text to so how are you. Isn't that nice, & sometimes it was & I'd think you know maybe we can be friends or friendly at least. But then it would be, what have you been up to, & he'd tell me stuff & not that any of it was wildly exciting but it was stuff with his family & that would hurt. So I'd resolve not to contact anymore. Then he'd speak to me again & the same thing, sometimes he'd even make suggestive comments about how he desperately needed sex because although his W hadn't left him she wouldn't (supposedly) sleep with him. Stupidly I might feel a ridiculous high that he still desired me! I even sent him a stupid message saying I want you too, then he replied with some bland formal nonsense & made me feel ridiculous. Then he contacted me to tell me hed hand a test at a clinic to see if he'd caught anything from me (he was a serial adulterer!) because he thought if he got the all clear he could show his W & she would sleep with him. Every contact left me feeling worse. I guess I wanted to hear that I meant something to him or that he was having a terrible time with his W & might leave. Well I don't mean much to him is the answer. He moved on months ago & it's true you just hurt yourself more by being in contact unless you have no feelings for XAP yourself. My last conttc with him I'd been in a car accident & texted to tell him he said OMG are u ok? I said yes, no need to rush to my beside (vomit!) & his reply, ill be right over lol but I'm busy buying W an iPad right now & then were going to see daughter in a concert. arghhh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012

Wow. Stalled on answering this because I was like "wow. What DID we talk about?" So the first few times I tried to go n.c...one of us would ineveitably shoot the other some sort of joke...and then we would meet. Then we would be back in A for a week or two..then my feelings would get hurt. I would want to be honest. I would bail. Back to square one. This went on for a ridiculous amount of time.

Finally went n.c. for 28 days...then he called my sister. We didn't realize it was him. I hear.."I'm sorry. Can I be your 30year  friend and lover again?" I was stunned, because I honestly thought it was work on the phone. He asked to meet up to talk. We talked. About all the things we talked about BEFORE A. And about the woman he was seeing during our A. (The reason I had broken up to start with). Profuse apologies...let's try again.

So we did. For a month. And I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. I had changed. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I needed to take back an honest life. So I ended.

More phone calls off and on for a couple of weeks. Lot's of "I don't want you out of my life" type things. Then rumors he had a terminal illness and the suggestion that we take a few weeks apart and regroup. I offered to be a good friend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

He blew me off. A few weeks later another call to say "I miss you."etc. I realized that he didn't want me as a friend, but an indefinate secret. It pissed me off. I changed my number and have had n.c. since. It has been over 2 months (almost 3). I occasionally fantasize about rebuilding a friendship with him. Then I remember..oh yeah....can't/don't wanna do that. 

 I remind myself. I want an honest life. I am trying to be trustworthy in all my indeavors and I'm just nobody's secret!

 

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010

My XAP was the king of fishermen!  Always fished, always.  It took over two years for me to finally get the courage to tell him “don’t contact me anymore”.  Which I did last week. 

The continued contact (I caved a lot, especially early on) became a slap in the face to me.  He would contact me when he was on a business trip (away from W) or when he had time (after moving and traveling most of the summer).  I just felt like I was his secret that he would come to when he needed/wanted an ego stroke.  I was not a priority.  I felt used.

And the contact I did have with him when I would talk to him would always leave me confused, hurt, jealous, angry, sad, lonely.  It never made me feel happy or good.  He would tell me things in a “drip feed” way.  Just giving me little bits of info, so I wouldn’t shut the door on him completely.  Such as when he bought a large, new home with his W.  He simply said one day “thinking of moving”.  I later learned that he already had a contract on the new house and had sold his house!  Since when did “thinking of moving” equal “it’s a done deal”??

So, the contact became so not worth it.  Why would I want to have contact with someone who lies to me (lies of omission) to get me to hang around to be his secret?

No thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012

I ended my A 3 weeks ago and asked xAP to stop any further contact.  It was especially sad, since I was quite fond of him, we had a lot in common, might have had a LTR if we hadn't both been in a M, and we enjoyed each other's company.

But he was going through a protracted separation with his W (who asked for a D - she was in an A with another man), was in the middle of a complex co-parenting arrangement and has three children still in school.

He needed to deal with his ultimate D (separation was being delayed since she wasn't sure/was confused, etc... basically stringing him along).

I am in an unhappy 2nd marriage and am in counseling to deal with that - nothing like a failing 2nd marriage to throw a monkey-wrench in your plans!

To top it all off, I live 500 mi. away from xAP.

It was not going to work out and so I ended it - three weeks ago now.

I cracked just once and wrote a week ago to say, "hope you're doing o.k." - no response.

I refuse to continue to contact from here - too many horror stories and loss of power that would only make me feel worse.

Please learn from the lessons of others who have posted here about NC.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Luvin is right - we have the ability and control to end this. Each and every contact you initiate or respond to is YOUR CHOICE.

Choose wisely and don't. I see my xAP every day and all contact serves to set me back. Limiting it protects
me and moves me forwards.

And why do we want to contact these men? Find the answers to that question and focus on yourselves. It's what I ask myself every day.

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~