To test him or not to test him....

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
To test him or not to test him....
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 10:16am
It's been a little over a year since my DD and even tho things have gotten better and I can see my husband is constantly working to "win every part of me back" as his puts it, I still have those days where more questions and memories surface. Today is one of those days, and one of the things that's usually on my mind is wether or not he is willing to have contact with the OW, he swears that it anything ever happens, anyone flirts with him or anything at all he will tell me, but how do I know for
Sure? Soo, today I've been thinking about a way to test him such as creating an email address and emailing him as her trying to meet up to talk...Any advice? Should I do it or not?
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:40pm

IMO Never test ever!  No matter what it will not do anything for your feelings.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:42pm
Thanks for your question Thurmalina. I have often thought about parking my H car near her house to see if she would contact him and if he would tell me about it. I hear all the responses that that isn't a good idea if theyy are making every effort they can. It is hard to "know" you aren't being fooled again. Thanks again for your question and all the responses.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:31pm


The fact is, I did almost everything wrong in rebuilding. This is one of them. I tested, and after I felt like I was the dishonest one because I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that it was really me. I guess I sort of got some of my own medicine. I learned about how she must have felt having something to hide and not knowing if, or how, to have the conversation.

Look, I broke the rule and spoke to all the OM and in some cases, I contacted their spouses or clergy. I got in the care and drove two hours so we could drive past one of the locations of the affair so she would know I knew. I wasn’t exactly doing nice things. But that test is the one thing I really feel awful about. Why? Because she passed, and now I feel really bad inside because I should have trusted her and I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was me.


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 11:28pm
I think that is a very destructive idea.. It would be better to flat out ask him.. I pretended not to see what was goin in and i will never be silent and wonder again!! This thanksgiving will be one year for me.. And though sometimes I wonder if she contacted him would he tell me, I know I have to learn to rely on my instincts and to also allow trust to rebuild.. I think if I were the person who cheated and if I found out I was being set up and tested the relationship would be done.. In fact I feel that way if he did it to me and I am the victim.. So whatvyou have to decide is the fall out worth it.. Look back and remember how he treated you during the affair, because mine treated me bad... I know what to look for and I don't have to test him to know.. And if I ever suspect cheating I'm done..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1998
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 4:45pm

No!  Don't test unless you want to find out the worst!