Recently Seperated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011
Recently Seperated
8
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 10:43am

My husband of three of years and I have recently seperated.  I asked for it; I was extremely unhappy in our marriage. 

There has never been any trust in our relationship, ever.  He has had multiple emotional affairs, during the time we were dating, and again shortly after our wedding.  All of the lying (that I know of) stopped a year ago.  I still cannot bring myself to trust him.  I am distant; even when he's there I feel lonely.  I know exactly when I gave up and I have not been able to get it back.  A year ago, I was sad about our life together; I really wanted to be happily married.  I agree to see a therapist to get over my (warranted) trust issues.  After a couple of sessions of my therapist telling me my concerns were normal and helping me to cope, I find out my husband was at a woman's home until three AM, a woman who is known for getting around.  He was there with two other men, but that does not matter to me.  He lied about going there, and that's the problem.  A couple of weeks later he doesn't show up after work.  I call him, worried, I call his work.  Nothing.  I finally get a hold of him and he tells me he was at the gym... turns out a week later he wasn't at a friends house.  He will not say why he lied.  So I threw my hands up.  Here I was trying to work on trust issues that he created and I he's still lying.  I put my walls up and have been miserable ever since.

So, here we are, a year later.  I asked for a seperation because I cannot stand to be in this house anymore.  I am so unhappy and so miserable and I feel as though he does not understand at all.  Looking back, I shoudl never have married him.  He asked because he didn't want to lose me, and I said yes because I didn't want to lose him.  I beleive in love, I beleive in marriage, I beleive in happy... but I cannot find those things in this man. 

The issue is that now he is different.  He says he has never lied again, but to be honest I cannot confirm because i grew so tired of checking up on him that I stopped.  He has been more loving and open, especially since the seperation.  Basically, he is doing everything you would expect someone to do it they were trying to make you stay.  It kills me.  I hate hurting him; but I am so miserable in our marriage.  We have a 2 year old son.  I want him to grow up with a happy mommy, not a mommy who doesn't want to come home because daddy is there. 

I'm proud that I have one foot out the door and have taken this step, but what now?  He's finally being the person I've been asking him to be, but my walls are up so high that I do not care to see it.  I guess I'm just tired of trying, I feel as though I made a mistake marrying him and instead of trying to make it work like I have for the last 3 years I want out.  But I feel terribly guilty.

Has anyone been here before?? Did you stay or did you go??  Any advice is welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:40pm
Brittany - my story is remarkably similar. I am in the midst of everything right now so I don't have any advice for you. All I can say is that I know what you are going through ::HUGE HUGS::
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:51pm

As nice as it is to hear that I'm not the only one, I am so sorry for you! It sucks, doesn't it??  I feel better and more myself when I'm not around him; there's just too much pent up anger and resentment to feel comfortable anymore.  I keep thinking that maybe the seperation will fix that - maybe it will make me realize that I do love him and I need forgive him for his mistakes.  But, at the moment I'm just moving closer to making things permanant.  I'm happier without him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:03pm

I actually just read a thread I started a year ago on this board.  I think there's too much anger and resentment to go back now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:28pm

I think you would regret going back.  I do not believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe "Twice a cheater, always a cheater"  He must likely will not stop.  Who knows if he has stopped at all?  My ex cheated all the time.  We had great times when we were together, but the cheating NEVER stopped.  I honestly don't think he wanted to cheat, I think he tried not to, but he just wasn't strong enough.  Maybe your H loves you and wishes that he didn't cheat.  Sometimes things happen a someone learns their lesson and they never repeat it.  But if they don't regret it enough after one time, then they're never going to change.  At least this is what I believe and what my age has taught me. 

I know you feel guilty because you want your son to live with both of his parents.  And, let me tell you divorce is NO fun, but you do make it through and once you arrive on the other side and realize that you actually survived one of the things you feared most in life, it is an awakening.  I stayed so many years because I didn't want to share my kids.  They're adults now and I don't regret waiting because I really wasn't miserable.  But it does take its toll on you and when you continue to tolerate a cheater for so long, you begin to dislike yourself.  You don't respect yourself.  So, if you're staying for your son, who could blame you??  Certainly not me.  But if you're staying because you think he will change; you're probably going to find out he will cheat again. 

Best to you and you're not alone.  XOXO

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 4:52pm

I was wondering do you think as people age they would stop cheating at some point? I am not even sure of that because one of my cousin's exwife I knew that her dad cheated all the time. The man is like 70 years old and is married to his 2nd.Wife and he still cheats.. 70??? I guess they never change.

My exH has NPD and was somewhat abusive to me.. We got divorced and although he never  cheated while we were married. Not that I know of . The minute I was out the marital door he got a new gfriend.. It didnt take him long. He had a few gfriends after that and he is with one now for a few years.. Sometimes I wonder being he was so nutty did he cheat while I was in house and I just didnt know it..? He is with this n ew one and I believe he abuses her but I dont really know for sure.Someone told me he also cheated on her when she left him for a short time... I wonder if he did change or could change?? I dont think people change all that much..

I guess there is a chance one takes in any relationship. I know for me I would rather stay alone than be sick with somebody else.. I will have to have a person i can trust. If I have to ask the question will he cheat then I know he isnt right for me..Right now in my old age (lol) I have learned to use my gut and intuition. they never fail me..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:50am

I truly believe if you cheat more than once; you're most likely always going to cheat.  I think there are those cases where someone makes a mistake and truly regrets it and never allows it to happen again.  But if they're a good person and endure all of that guilt and manage to never do it again, they're different from those who are repeat offenders.  They've cheated and know the feeling that comes afterwards, and continue to do it.  They aren't truly remorsful and they have a chip missing in their brain.  For some reason they just can't stop cheating.  The guilt (if they have any) just isn't enough to make them quit.  They usually have low self-esteem and keep searching for answers.  They self medicate by being with others thinking that will make them feel better about themselves.  It's quite sad bc it ruins families that could have otherwise been happy.  And the cheater is still left feeling empty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 12:59am

Our MC told me that men slow down and a lot of them stop cheating as they age. But that "age" varies from person-to-person.  I know a couple in their lates 80's who are stil sexually active.  And I also know couples in their late 40s who no longer fool around.  So, I don't think it's a rule either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 5:33pm

My exH was at the very least an emotional cheater. To be honest, I still really don't know exactly what to think of it. I remember getting & buying a book on emotional cheating when I was trying to work on our marriage. I know instinctively I would often become jealous of his other relationships with other women (even if they were only friends), however since I have found literature that talks about it being healthy for married people to have friendships with people of the opposite sex - so b/w the heart & the mind, it really can be confusing when it comes down to it. I often have to wonder how many men would be happy with their wives having a ton of guy friends tho - it's funny how all of that is usually one sided. However, if you're husband is staying out until 3am in the morning, there's little doubt that he isn't physically cheating. IMO, many men lie and many men cheat. If you want your marriage, you can have it - but you'd have to live with the honesty of it all - the honesty you'd have to give to yourself rather than expecting it from him. You would have to learn how to protect yourself, including physically. I once talked to a woman who had been married for 20 years from Jamaica where HIV is so rampid & she said to this day, her husband & her still use protection. I know some people think that is sad or extreme, I would say it's quite smart. And no - typically unless a man has some type of erectile dysfunction, he's gonna remain sexually active - and if in his youth it was with different women, it will be the same way when he's old. And IMO I don't think it's men that need to change, I think it's society that says that men need to get married, be providers & stay with one woman all their lives --- and for women to get married, have children and be the loving/caring nurturer's that also only desire one man for their entire lives --- I mean this picture sounds perfect - but IMO is sooooo unrealistic - and simply doesn't work for most people. I do believe that some people are more monogamous than others --- but those few usually at the very least, fantasize about being with other people. I would've been one to consider myself one of the more monogamous ones until I'm now in my 30's, single & plan on staying this way possibly the rest of my life. Now I feel my life is much richer by being able to choose who I want to spend my time, for how long and with and not being limited to one person or life.Men have obviously seen this way sooner than we have, lol.  I would no longer consider myself monogamous or see the same benefits of being so that I saw back in my being married days. Being human and honoring your honest feelings & emotions & operating in society with an image are two very different things. I think a lot of suffering would be eliminated if people understood this more.