Update - Had Conversation with H

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Update - Had Conversation with H
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 12:38pm

Long story involved but short version is this…

Had the conversation with H today

It did not go well

I feel like a $h!tty mother

He is not going to do anything to make this easier for DS when we divorce (i.e. he will say things like Mommy was the one who did this – which is true but not the point)

There is a good chance he is not going to agree to a divorce and will make me wait the 2 yrs to file/divorce without his consent

I can’t leave and take DS with me

It does not look good and is not in my best interests to leave without DS

So I am looking at 2yrs of waiting that would be spent with both of us living in the house




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 3:39pm

There is no way you could get a legal separation while you're waiting for a divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:27pm

There's a lot of times my husband I put our sone to bed together and then one of us leaves (usually me because he says I have to, becuase he doesn't want this). But it's nice to get away and stay at my sisters or my moms.  The space gives me some time to think too.  Or I'll just get out of the house until I'm ready to go to sleep and then I go back and stay on the couch or in the guest room.  It's definitely healing to get away from the tension in the house... good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:54pm
musiclover12 - This is what I have told by an attorney. The wait time in PA is 2yrs if he will not consent to a divorce and I do not meet the requirement for a divorce without consent (abuse, adultery, etc.). There is no legal separation. We don't have to be at a physically separate address for the clock to run - just sleep in different rooms with no sex (which is not a problem). Unless we come to some kind of custody agreement for a separation (which he currently says he won't agree to) I am not leaving the house because I can't take DS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 6:35pm

Here is my two cents for what its worth.

I lived in the marital home with my ex while we went through a divorce.. I had a waiting time of one  and half years.. Yes; that sounds long but you know what? Now when I look back at that time I made the best of the situation.. I took a room in house and I lived my life and ex lived his.. Of course it was very difficult and there were good things and bad things but I did it..

I got a chance to reconnect with some women friends and I hung out with them . I also like one OP said would stay at my sisters for a few days and nights or go away on some really cheap weekends.. I stayed out of the house when I could and did the best I could with the situation.. I worked and I kept as busy as I could.. Were there bad days ? Of course there were but I kept looking ahead at the prize and the freedom of it all. Lots of emotional things stung me big time so I attended a sep. and divorced group. I also went to counseling and read a lot of books on how to do this and stay sane (lol)

If that is your only option then there are ways to make it work for you and not against. you . I got to live for very minimal expense and I had some extra money.. I focused on me and what I wanted and not what anyone else wanted..

If I could go back I think I would have enjoyed that time more than I did instead of thinking it was bad.. It wasnt really as bad as I thought..



Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 7:12am


Hi. Well, you've got 24 months to get ready to leave. So what is your plan?

Do you have a way to support yourself and your son? (Don't count on child support or spousal support to do that).

Have you talked to an attorney about your rights and responsibilities in a divorce beyond the 2 year waiting period? In other words, what will YOU have to be responsible for financially, etc. in a divorce? Half the debt? Half the equity in the house? Etc. ETc. NOW is the time to ask those questions.

If you are working what can you do to boost your qualifications so you can earn more? Can you move any distance away from your son's father if you could get a better paying job by relocating? 

If you don't have employment how do you plan to support yourself? You may be spending the next two years getting training so you can be employed at something livable.

I also encourage you to seek marriage counseling during this time. Yes, marriage counseling. Given your husband's attitude about not getting divorced you both may find it helpful to work on your issues while you wait for those 2 years to pass. After all, you're still going to be parents to your child. Better to understand what brought you to this door than part and keep fighting. You also don't want to make the same error in a new relationship down the road. Work on yourself now so you can get things on the table and out in the open.

Good luck. You can either stew and stay in a room alone while you wait or get busy and get ready for your new llfe. Maybe trips to Mom's or sister's can help relieve the stress. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 11:58am
Thanks wisdom! Actually I am the bread winner for the family. I have a very good job and H has been the one in and out of work (mostly out). I am going to be the one paying the alimony and child support. I am going to talk to an attorney tomorrow. I appreciate all the advice about counseling and not to stew. I am trying to look at all this as the road to a better life for me in the end, whenever and however that end comes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:20pm

Well that pretty much sucks--I really wonder what the law makers in PA are thinnking--that people should have to be miserable for 2 yrs before they can get divorced?  What is the purpose of that?  I live in MA & they even took away the requirement of separation for 30 days years ago--so now anyone can file but if the other person doesn't agree, it takes 6 months to get a court date.  People still complain about that.

I'd say that if he won't agree and it seems like his purpose is just to make your life miserable, try to live your own life as much as possible while you're in the same house, as long as there is no abuse going on.  Like start keeping your money in a separate account, start making your own plans to do things w/o him--if you can try to get him to agree on certain nights that he will be with your son & nights that you will be at home, or split time on the weekends.  Maybe in the end if he sees that  you won't change your mind and it's not getting him anywhere he'll finally agree.

How old is your son?  I would also point out to him that if he says anything negative to your son about you, that you won't hesitate to use it against him in court to get more time with you--judges really hate that sort of thing.