Haven't found this topic about high libidos and withdrawals

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012
Haven't found this topic about high libidos and withdrawals
22
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:04pm

Hello,

I am new here (just joined) and honestly have never been a part of a online/support community or blog. But after reading hours in this discussion board I felt it was where I belong. Before I get into my story, if it is to be told, I wanted to reach out and ask where there is a discussion regarding sex withdrawals when you end the A. I know this may be odd, or it may not be an issue for some but I have always had a high libido, ever since I went through puberty. And, like most A, that "fix" was satisfied in a very unique way. Can anyone help me with this topic? I am not a sexual deviant, I do not act on my impulses, but I a having true difficulty with this part ending with the rest. Any thoughts? 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Do you mean that the A "hit the sexual spot"?  Now that you have broken up you miss the sex?  Perhaps a new Bed buddy is in order!

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Hello

I don't think there's ever been a thread dedicated to the sexual withdrawal aspect of ending.  I'm willing to bet, though, it is a huge reason that some find the ending so difficult.  I know, for me, when I was with JAM, I was like a teenage boy with a 24/7 h/o.

I figure because we get stuck in the lusty/arousal stage of an affair, after our ending, we're still stuck in the lusty/arousal stage...but now without an outlet...if sex with a husband is an issue or a gal is single.

I know I've brought up the subject of B.O.B. under other threads.  B.O.B.'s not a bad guy.  Although he can keep his mouth shut and keep a secret, occasionally he can be on the loud side, but he's not going to whisper sweet nothings to get his needs met..and so we don't have to listen to the b/s fly.  He knows how to calm us down and become level-headed once again.  And, he'll never let you down...well, unless his batteries wear down.

I've come to realize that women are every bit as capable of throwing caution to the wind when they are aroused.  And being level-headed is what is required in an ending...well, it's most helpful anyways.

Clarity


 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012

I think for me, and I am not certain this is what people want to read here, but if not here, where individuals are going thru all aspects of this phase then where?.....it is not only the lack of sex. To be more specific, I had this A for 7 years (I know, it is horrible) and before that time I was unable to climax during sex. I mean at all. I was always walking around like a 16 yr old male (I'm female near 40 btw), my prior partners could not elicit this response from me. I know now why, which is the double predicament. To put in picture mode for those lost: if anyone has seen the movie "the secretary", the "issues" the female lead had, and her significant other "helped" with mirror my A and our relationship. It is, unfortunately, a problem I have faced and come to peace with inside myself. Before the A I couldn't even broach the problem with my legitimate partners, and if I did, they shunned me or let me know I was "sick". My AP did the opposite and in a WOW way. Now I face  not only trying to find a healthy relationship, but one where my partner accepts this. This population is minimal. 

Truthfully I feel great sadness letting go of my emotional strings as I do the sexual strings (I was the one who ended the A btw). I know he never loved me, he never once said he did. It doesn't mean I didn't genuinely love him. But there was another part that I don't know how to get over. I don't go out to bars, and my work is from home so there is not a lot of opportunities to interact with men....and I am a single mother of three. In short....I feel like I have lost at multiple levels, each day is a struggle to put on a mask for work or my kids.....I know everyone here has gone through the sadness, I guess mine feels like despair. I have never tried talking to anyone about the A, so typing this to people who may understand is my attempt to reach out and hopefully heal for the first time in 7 years of silence. When does it stop hurting so bad, all the time?   

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Hi, DLG. When does it stop hurting so bad? It's different for everyone. I can only say the closer you are to the actual end the harder everything is. I'm right there with you with the libido. It is a force to be reckoned with and it's only getting crazier as I get older. But in the end I realized what I wanted and needed from sex was something xap could never give me. I wanted a connection and he wanted a warm place to park his penis. Not a brilliant match. I have much more to say but I must dash. I'll be back soon but I'll just leave you with this: when you end, don't hang out where it's hard. Fight through and get to where it does get easier. I'm really looking forward to reading your story. Please do post it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

The hurting...the despair...will ease up over time and with some distance out from the affair.  You need to grieve the loss, like any other loss you've experienced. There's just no easy way around it.  

I hope talking it out with us has already helped ease things a bit for you.  

I'm afraid I don't know what you are referring to...I never saw The Secretary.  There are many Sex Boards on iVillage...perhaps you can find support on one of those.  Who knows, someone here might know a thing or two about it and will chime in, but 'you might want to check out those other Boards in the meantime.

So, stick with us.  Keep reading and participate as much as you can.  We all came here hurt and in despair and everyone is on the pathway out, or have made it out.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012

Getting away from "where it hurts" isn't really a option much. The A started 6 months after moving to our not so big town. It isn't that we went out often (seriously maybe once a year out in public), but we walked for miles in parks, sat and talked everywhere, you get the picture. In the past when I was done I was done. None were affairs, they were normal relationships and I would simply have enough and move.....like into another state, across state, etc. But I don't have the luxury of escaping that way anymore. My children are middle school age, and to uproot them would be plain cruel. I did it before when they were too young to be really affected. It is different now, and would be selfish. BUT that is how I used to get through it. Done was done, outa sight outa mind. The other problem is this man is currently my boss, and has been for 5 years (we started 2 yrs before that). Now this job actually ends in 30 days (how ironic he said that I end things now). The sticky part is I face unemployment now, I am not getting fired but laid off as he has signed a contract with a new agency and so my job will be given to some nameless employee within the huge corporation. My point is he is my "letter of recommendation". Sticky sticky sticky. Fortunately we have always split business from pleasure so he is not being vindictive (for now). I have never been mean or said hurtful bitter things though my mind has often gone there. I simply hate arguing, as did he, and I always felt "you cannot unsay something". I have to be professional and still politically correct while I try to gain new employment. But to be blunt, I feel sexually deprived now. 

But the sadness each day has not lessened. I know it has only been two weeks, but 7 years is a long time to have a A...irregardless of how much face time I got. I just really wish I could dismiss the pain, the dwelling, the regret, and the sexual desires. Not to sound clinical but I want it excised like a bothersome growth. How do the MM simply act like nothing is wrong? Just laa de da next trip, next expensive dinner with spouse, sleep without a worry, the list goes on. 

I feel like I was a piece of sand upon his beach to which was washed away from the shore and replaced with a cup of new sand. 

Sorry to everyone that this is old news or boring to read...but it is my "wah wah" journey. Not a pitty party, just finally the truth, silenced, now put down in type. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Nahhhh...it's not old or boring.  It is your story.  

We all wish we could use a magic wand to make it all just go away.  Problem with that, we probably wouldn't seek out the lesson from our experience.  These experiences help us to learn about ourselves and grow.  For most of us, ending an affair puts us in the position of figuring out why we involved ourselves in the first place.  I mean, we were interlopers. Doesn't matter how we were chased relentlessly, perhaps told of an impending separation or divorce, initially lied to, etc. And working towards figuring this all out places the focus on our 'whys' and takes our focus off their 'whys'...and starts the process of moving forward.

It's hard when we are replaced, but he did you a favor.  You're a single gal and are now freed up to find an available man...when you've healed and when you are ready.  

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012

Hi DLG,

You will need to post your story sometime.  I take it  you are single but you were having an affain and he was married?

The only mention of the "sex" part that I have seen posted her is more about how we cannot reconnect with our H's after having an affair and we have to fake it till we make it!

Like you though I will admit that I too found it very difficult with the cut off from the sex as well. I am personally not a very sexual person or so I thought. However being in the A changed that for me and I found I wanted it all the time.  I never had an orgasm with my H while having sex however with my ap...I would have mulitples. So to go from all of that to nothing was another thing to deal with. I cant even beleive I am talking about it....women shouldnt talk about this stuff right!!!  I also know that XAP was a lilttle more endowed down there (my head is down even more now! ) and I found out for me...size does matters! lol!   So Im sure you might get a few more responses once you post everything and tell us exactly how you feel. I have not seen the movie so I dont know what you are talking about.

When does it get easier????  Different for everyone.  I have been out of it for 5 months now..and I still cried this morning.  But I am not crying all day....Im not a waking zombie everyday....so it does get better.....I have 3 kids too so life goes on and you have to be a mom to your kids.  Ironically I wish sometimes I was single so I could just deal with getting over the Affair, instead I have to deal with a H who found out and now I am  trying to repair the damage that A had on me and the damage  the A has had on my husband in addition to deciding if I stay or go.  Its all too much sometimes but with the help of these boards and getting lots of support and close friends...I am hoping to come out on the other side for the better.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

First it is not horrible!  It is what it was that is all.  Like many you did have and emotional as will as sexual component.  Believe me there are men out there who will not think you are "sick" but a ray of joy.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

Hi xxxs :smileyhappy:

On what Board are you community leader?  Is your site a site where the OP might find some help or comfort?  For me, it would be nice to check it out.  It's nice to be familiar with other Boards to be able to refer someone there if I think it could help them.  Can never get enough support....and sometimes for multiple needs.

Thanks

Clarity


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