love vs sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
love vs sex
17
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:34pm

Hello all..

I am considering a relationship with a guy who is 19 yrs older than me. I am 42 and he is 61. Not a big deal to me at all except that my guy has had multiple heart attacks and is on medication that not only makes it almost impossible to get an erection, but he also cannot take viagra or anything like that. We have been close friends for 10 yrs and I do love him but I am afraid I will cheat on him because I love sex. It seems like he can give me everything I want in love and not the passionate sex that I also need. I get approached by guys in their 20's all the time because I do not look my age, and I find myself wanting to take them up on it. I didn't know my guy had this problem when we started seeing each other and I felt selfish at first, but sex is a major part of a relationship at any age and I just don't know what to do. I have not committed to being his girlfriend yet and I don't want to hurt him. We are, in every other way, compatible. Help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:35pm
Hi whippedkitten, welcome to the board :smileyhappy: I may not have very encouraging things to say because I broke off my engagement with a guy who will not have sex with me. I am ashamed to say I cheated on him. Once the thought you might cheat has crossed your mind, the temptation to cheat will always be present.

My current DF (43 now) early on in the relationship suffered from ED. This was due to his blood pressure medications and lack of exercise. We agreed to try to overhaul his lifestyle with regards to diet and exercise and so far his BP is under control and he is now able to get and maintain normal erections.

I am not sure if your guy can do much about his dependency on the heart medications. I will suggest you do not commit to a relationship with him at this moment. If both of you can have an honest and open talk perhaps the both of you could discuss with a doctor if anything can be done to reverse the effects of ED caused by his meds.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 6:21pm
I really want to be with him and I really want this to work, I am kind of hoping someone has ideas. Something they have tried that has worked. He is ok with talking about this and so am I.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 7:19pm
I suggest the first place to go would be to the doctor. Because your guy cannot just suddenly stop taking his meds. My DF's doctor referred us to a nutritionist and that was helpful during the period of weaning off DF's blood pressure meds.

I'm sure between the both of you if you're committed you can make it work :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 8:12pm
No I would never want him to go off meds if they are helping him. It's a hard situation. We are very committed and I know sex isn't everything and it doesn't last forever. I just don't know what to do. Thank you for not judging, I am just really being as honest as possible about this.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:18pm
(((Hugs))) I understand how you must be feeling. Be strong, love him but always be honest with yourself. Btw, although you may not have penetrative intercourse I'm sure your guy will be more than willing to please you in other ways! DF and I still had loads of fun in the sack when he was suffering from ED. Although he may not be able to get/maintain an erection does not mean he cannot get an orgasm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 6:04am
You're right, he is more than willing to take care of my needs in other ways. I am being honest with myself in saying that I have been alone for a long time after leaving my marriage and I feel like I need that hard driving passionate sex. I so want it to be with him. Great for you that you are happy with who you have in your life right now and thank you for understanding me. I appreciate the feedback immensely.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 3:26am
Well that's love and life. We can't always have everything. But we can always make the best out of our unique situations right? All the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
In reply to: swati88
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 5:02am
Well both have equal importance on their own.Time and situation needs both things in a relationship.!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: misstrygg
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 7:17am

Am I nuts but  talk to the guy about this and maybe he wont mind you have a lover?

I have  2 friends, the woman cannot have sex,  it wont happened and that means no kids, but her husband adores her and she adores him they are the greatest couple we know. They been together for 20 years now and the problem as been there for  19 years and I asked them how they get it to work and they answered, he has a lover, he get the sex he needs  from that person but the love and passion from his wife and she doesnt have any pressure or worries in bed.

They have had  same lover for 14 years now and it works great for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 11:53am

Wow! Thank you for all of your responses!  I don't know how I would feel about that last one, to be honest. Call me old fashioned lol but I feel like I am a one man woman. I guess I have some things to think about.

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