so much for being present.... *sigh*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-1999
so much for being present.... *sigh*
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:07pm

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.... as much as I want to fix my part of the problems at home in dealing with my kids, it's like I continue to set myself up to fail.  What am I so scared of?  Why can't I just DO it?  Why can't I just change how I deal with or process things?  Not only did I miss an opportunity two nights ago, but I even screwed something up with DH today.  I'm so disappointed in myself..... like why can't I just get it together?

The other day DS10 came home from school sick.  He was going to go into his room and I said he could hang out with me in the living room if he wanted.  He was SUPPOSED to be in bed since he'd come home sick, this is a rule DH and I have agreed on years ago and I do agree is right.  So why the hell did I self sabotage??  Then when DH came home with DS5 at the end of the day, DS10 was in his room resting, finally.  I was making dinner and could hear DS5 hopping around and playing with someone or something.  I was too preoccupied to find out.  Instead, DH saw that DS5 was playing in DS10's room and DS10 was involved too.  (Of course he was, he's a kid.)  But did I do anything about it?  No.  Instead I kept making dinner oblivious to what was going on.  No wonder DH is so friggin frustrated with me.... I am too when he points it out!  I honestly want the same things and agree with his viewpoints but it's like I am my own worst enemy... I get in my own way!

This morning was a direct issue with DH.  He had to take me to the hospital because of severe back pain (I'd been up all night & couldn't sleep.)  He asked me to text his boss saying that he may be late coming in today since he was gonna get the kids to school and bring me to the hospital.  He also said to make it like it was going to be left up in the air since we didn't know how long we'd be at the hospital.  I did send the text to his boss, but only the first part saying he'd be an hour late.  I totally forgot to put in the other part about leaving it up in the air (not sure if or when he may make it in at all).  What a friggin idiot..... Ok - fine, to cut me some slack I was overtired and in a lot of pain.  But I do this ALL the time!!!  No wonder I can't follow through with discipline or rules... I'm always forgetting the pieces that go together. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 11:05am

I agree that you are being too hard on yourself.  The underlying tone of this is that your DH makes "rules" and you have to "obey" them and he treats you like a child if you mess up.  First of all, I think having a rule that if your kid comes home sick from school he has to stay in bed is extreme.  Yes, if they have a fever they might need extra sleep, but last week my 17 yr old son had to leave school early cause he had a very stuffy nose (either cold or allergies, don't know which) and was feeling miserable.  why would you make a kid who has a bad cold or sore throat stay in bed all day?  Why can't they just laze on the couch & watch TV or read (if they are up to it)?  It's like punishment for being sick.  do you & your DH actually stay in bed all day when you are sick?  I bet you don't.  And yeah, you & DH are both home but you're busy making dinner--so he should be watching what the kids are doing.  How can you be doing both at the same time?  And what is he doing at that time that prevented him from watching the kids?  I also think that knowing how you are, if DH wants a text sent to his boss and wants it worded exactly a certain way, he should be sending the text--why make the sick person who has had no sleep be sending the text & then complain that you did it wrong?  My answer would have been "you don't like it, then next time, you do it and it will be done perfectly." 

I think you really have 2 issues here.  yes it seems like you have ADD but you need a more supportive DH too--instead of just complaining, he needs to work with you & find out how he can HELP you instead of just complaining & making you feel like a failure.  My exH had bipolar disorder and I think he also had ADD.  He'd carry around a little notebook to write reminders to himself--and then lose the notebook!  We just had to make a joke about it.  I paid the bills cause I wanted to make sure they were paid on time.  somehow it didn't seem to affect his work performance--maybe he was just organized in that area.  But I can't remember it being that big a deal--maybe because I just reminded him of stuff.  I accepted that was the way he was so no point in getting mad at him about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-1999
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 5:05pm

I had a therapist that stopped taking me when my insurance changed.  Then I thought I found a new one but I got a really bad vibe so I "fired" her.  I have just found a new one who will be seeing me on Sunday to see if we are a good fit for each other.  I have also just contacted an ADHD coach earlier this week.  We are right now trying to figure out if my insurance will cover her services. 

All of these processing quirks are nothing new, I've struggled & dealt with them my whole life.  It's just now I am seeing what effects it is having on my whole family that hurts.  I know DH is frustrated and doesn't know what to do.  He is so used to being able to "fix" things on his own. 

I do know there is something wrong.  There always has been.  When I was younger the docs told me I had ADHD but none of the meds worked for me at the time.  Thank god they do now.  And I just recently found out what *could* be the "missing link" to what's going on.  I was adopted and I just found out last year that I was shaken as a baby... I'm almost POSITIVE that is why I can't process some stuff.  But I have no idea what kind of behavior modification works for THAT.  :smileyfrustrated:

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 5:00pm
I have to agree with mahopac about the counseling. Also, why was it your responsibility to take care of the kids when you were making dinner? You were obviously preoccupied, and DH was there, there is no reason that if he was there and heard it, and took care of it, that it was "your responsibility" or you should beat yourself up about it. You two are a team, and teams work together on things, not throw blame around. Yes, the text message was on you, but like you said, you were up all night and in a lot of pain, it would have been just as easy for him to send the text message himself saying exactly what he wanted, and words wouldn't have gotten left out, instead of translating it to you to do. There is never 1 person 100% at fault in a situation unless there is only 1 person 100% involved in that situation. Hugs, it sounds like you working on it, but remember, it also takes repetition and time to develop new habits, it doesn't happen overnight, its going to be trial and error on what works for you effectively to make these changes. I would suggest sitting down with DH while you are both calm and feeling good and talk about ways to work together, asking for his help and input on certain things, and what suggestions he has that may work and tell him point blank, "I am trying this, I will fail at times, I am human, please give me your support and that will prop me up to achieve more with your positive encouragement."
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 4:47pm

This post makes me really sad.

If you're not seeing a therapist, I strongly suggest you find one.  This kicking yourself over every little thing is not normal self-talk.  From what you described in your post a few days ago, it doesn't seem like your husband is helping the situation by telling you *in front of the kids* "No wonder they don't listen to you."  That is NOT being a supportive spouse, and you need to figure out why you not only put up with it but agree with it.

You might also need to speak with your doctor about your being preoccupied and forgetful.  You may have some sort of processing disorder that makes it tough for you to process multiple situations at one time.

When people "just can't get it together" to function the way "everybody else" seems to, there's usually something wrong.  It's not that you're lazy, stupid, lame, or whatever else you're telling yourself.  Please get some help to find out what it is.  It's the best thing for you *and* your family.