SIL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2012
SIL.
6
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 12:38am
Hi, I new here. I recently posted on the wedding planning board but someone suggested I move the topic here. I am typing this on my phone so I won't go into as much depth. Long story short, my future sister in law has planned her pregnancy as much as possible, with her due date approximately one week before my wedding. She mentioned more than once that she WOULD be pregnant at our wedding. She STRONGLY dislikes both her brother and myself, because we live together and aren't married. She's had several discussions with him saying so. Before she became part of the cult she considers a church, we were VERY close. I loved her dearly. My fiancée and I postponed our engagement as not to take away from their whirlwind wedding...now, we are planning our dream wedding and she plans to have the first child in this generation at the same time. Normally, this would upset me, but no harm done. However, she called the family together 5 days before our engagement party to announce her pregnancy. She is only 6 weeks, so she definitely could have waited. But she hates not being the center of attention. We asked to to consider our feelings and not make the party about her, and he said that she would definitely talk about her first child because she's happy. I told her that's wonderful but for 2 hours, let it rest. She said f she had to not mention the baby then she would not come to the party, and I hurt her feelings by asking her to not mention it. She also mentioned that she wouldn't ask us to not talk about the wedding....hello, it's an engagement party. I do not discuss anything wedding with her, that's what I have my family and friends for. She also like to send daily fetus updates, as if I am really concerned about it. Honestly, we aren't friends anymore and never will be, because I cannot live up to her standards. This breaks my heart, but I have learned to live with it. The whole situation has spun way out of control, and I'm to the point where I'm seriously reconsidering marrying into this family. I love my fiancée more than anything, but I do not know how much I can put up with. I think dating was better, maybe because they thought of me as tempoearythen, even after six years. Any advice is appreciated!!!!
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: vjclark
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:36am

I think there is a time to run medieval on her to the point that she never speaks to you.  If you do marry into this "family" how supportive will he be and whose side will he take?

dragowoman

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: vjclark
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 8:09pm

I looked at your post on the Weddings board to get the full picture. I agree with the member who said that your fiance needs to talk to her and tell her to stop trying to butt in on your big day. Did the family spend your engagement party fussing over her pregnancy or were they celebrating the engagement? If they were all over her then your fiance should also talk to his family about their priorities. I would not change the venue to someplace more convenient for her. 

If you really feel that she will manage to make your wedding about her pregnancy or her newborn, then I would consider changing the date to later, if possible. If the entire family is so insensitive that they will fall for her diversion then give them time to get over celebrating the new baby. Then they can attend your wedding with the focus on the bride and groom.

As for whether you should marry into this family, that probably depends on whether your fiance sticks by you or sides with his family. You should be his first priority.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: vjclark
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 7:02am
Hi. I responded to your post on the wedding board earlier. A couple of other thoughts. First, if you have strong reservations about marrying into this family now is the time to be sure. I'd recommend couples counseling for you and your fiance. Does he understand how his sister's behavior affects you and how you see it affecting your potential marriage? Very often you can be more objective because you're outside the family system. The other truth here is: if you love your boyfriend and really want to get married then you'll either have to accept his self-absorbed sister as part of the package and learn to set boundaries with her as a couple, or you let her behavior run your life, i.e. You breakup and she wins. By the way, if she doesn't approve of you, she won't approve of anyone because it's all about her. Once again I think it's critical your future husband recognizes he needs to step up and set boundaries with his sister. It doesn't mean she'll change but she needs to know she doesn't run his life.
I also think going forward you'll need to do a better job of setting your own boundaries starting with "unsubscribing" to her FB page and blocking the daily updates. You aren't obligated to read these you know. And, when she says again, "I planned to be pregnant at your wedding, you need to set another boundary by repeating the same thing, like: "Yes, you have told us that before. Whether you approve or not. We're still getting married." Repeat as often as needed.
And here's the caveat: say only this and then stop. Don't argue, defend, or justify your plans. That's what she wants you to do so she can justify her choices and her opinions of you. If won't engage her and you literally turn around and walk away, you remove the power from her. She can't sustain her self-rightousness without your cooperation. So don't cooperate! Your fiance needs to learn to do the same.
The sad thing is this: any attention she gets from this behavior is only temporary. She's got to keep stirring the pot to keep herself fronmt and center. If she truly believes in God she's got a hard lesson coming: learning get yourself out of the way so God is No.1.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
In reply to: vjclark
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 1:25pm

First thought of mine is this:

This sil to be is self centered and nothing you say or do will change that.  You are allowing her to make this about her by even giving her 10 minutes of your thoughts.  You cannot ever control what people like this do - whether they will soon be a part of your family or whether they are co workers or neighbors or the parents of a child your some day children will play with.  A good life lesson now is to take control of this situation and do several things:

 

First, stop feeding her information period.  Set your wedding plans around your schedule and if sil is pregnant, if she has a baby with her or if she's in the hospital then that is what it is.  The less attention you give her on this matter the less it will result in hurt feelings, frustrations etc.  I know that deep down this will take a big effort on your part but it is something you will have to learn to do.

As for the issue of whether to marry into the family or not - the last post suggested you weigh this decision now while you have not moved further.  What may happen is that your sil will in all liklihood never change and she will always get the attention of her family.  Will it be over the top and cause you and your fiance to pull away from his family - maybe.  Will it be something you can work through and they (his family) will understand how you feel and work to change it - maybe.  Will it cause lots of disagreements in your marriage (most likely) but, is it worth marrying the person that you love?  That is something you need to decide now.  If something like this - happening with his sister and you is enough to have you reconsidering your marriage then I'd say you have a lot to think about.

 

Marriage is tough without all the crap that extended families bring to it.  I ended up having to cut my DH' mom and dad off completely from my life and my youngest son's life.  It took 24 years of battling and hurt and frustrations to get there.  But, if I had to do it all over again, I would because my marriage is still going strong and we have a lot of happy times to show for all the work we've had to put into it.

 

I hope this helps - I think the key is to stop caring about this person's pregnancy and just put your attention into your own life and the upcoming wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
In reply to: vjclark
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 5:08pm

Hello VJCLARK,I have a SIL that isEXACTLY like yours!  I am so sorry to hear that your big day is being overrulled by a selfish person that need to be the center of attention.My story is so similar.  When we decided to get married, SIL wanted so badly to be the center of attention that her and MIL did everything in their power to stop the wedding...all because I did not pick her to be my bridesmaid, instead we asked her to do multiple things.Long story short, my hubby was/is like yours, they don't want to "hurt" peoples feelings all while those same people have no regard to their feelings.  I know it hurts, but like Summergirl123 said, try to keep the focus on you and your dream wedding and not play into her shinanigans.  If she is this way, nothing is going to change about her over night...not over the years either unless she see it and wants to change it.  As long as the family is "condoning" her behavior why would she change? Now 4 1/2 into our marriage and the relationship with the inlaws is NONE.There is hope for your situation though.  May like the others suggested, counseling will help and your fiance will be able to talk with his family and get them to understand that his new life is with you and not all about his sister, her pregnancy, marriage, life, updates or whatever else she does to take away your shine.  You should be able to get married when you want and how you want without reservations of considering others.  Did SIL consider your wedding before her "planned pregnancy"?  No!  In fact, she PLANNED to ruin your day and is doing a great job of it.  She is just like my SIL, they crave for attention...no matter what kind when it comes to my SIL.  She will sleep with whomever, tell whatever lie, and do whatever to get any kind of attention.  She even went around telling everyone that all she wanted for Christmas was a husband and a son (exactly what we have) the year we got married.  It is such a shame that some people like to steal the joys of others because of their own insecurities.  I really hope that your wedding goes as beautiful as all of the time and effort you and your loved ones have put into it.  I know this is hard, but try, try, try to focus on you and your wedding and let her be.  You can't change her, but you can change how you deal with her.  Hopefully your fiance will be able to step up to the plate on this one.Good luck and keep us posted!

vjclark wrote:
Hi, I new here. I recently posted on the wedding planning board but someone suggested I move the topic here. I am typing this on my phone so I won't go into as much depth. Long story short, my future sister in law has planned her pregnancy as much as possible, with her due date approximately one week before my wedding. She mentioned more than once that she WOULD be pregnant at our wedding. She STRONGLY dislikes both her brother and myself, because we live together and aren't married. She's had several discussions with him saying so. Before she became part of the cult she considers a church, we were VERY close. I loved her dearly. My fiancée and I postponed our engagement as not to take away from their whirlwind wedding...now, we are planning our dream wedding and she plans to have the first child in this generation at the same time. Normally, this would upset me, but no harm done. However, she called the family together 5 days before our engagement party to announce her pregnancy. She is only 6 weeks, so she definitely could have waited. But she hates not being the center of attention. We asked to to consider our feelings and not make the party about her, and he said that she would definitely talk about her first child because she's happy. I told her that's wonderful but for 2 hours, let it rest. She said f she had to not mention the baby then she would not come to the party, and I hurt her feelings by asking her to not mention it. She also mentioned that she wouldn't ask us to not talk about the wedding....hello, it's an engagement party. I do not discuss anything wedding with her, that's what I have my family and friends for. She also like to send daily fetus updates, as if I am really concerned about it. Honestly, we aren't friends anymore and never will be, because I cannot live up to her standards. This breaks my heart, but I have learned to live with it. The whole situation has spun way out of control, and I'm to the point where I'm seriously reconsidering marrying into this family. I love my fiancée more than anything, but I do not know how much I can put up with. I think dating was better, maybe because they thought of me as tempoearythen, even after six years. Any advice is appreciated!!!!