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|Fri, 10-05-2012 - 5:02am|
I feel as if being SA taught me that I was always wrong and to always give in. I never wanted anyone mad at me so it's been hard to know how I feel as I never let myself have my own opinion. I'd hear what others said and thought and just assume they had to be right and I didn't know anything, so their views became my views. I still struggle to know what I think at times. If I was ever hurt by anyone else, I would somehow end up being the one to apologize just to make it right. That issue has come up again several times recently. I'm so tried of always doing that I could burst. I talked about it with my therapist and cried today. I'm mad at myself for giving in and apolgizing. I'm mad at myself for getting emotional when someone else behaves badly towards me and so I cower rather than standing up for myself. I'm being asked to apologize for something that isn't my fault just to make it right for everyone else. It's not fair. It's not right. Yet I don't know how to say no and stand up for myself. If I don't apologize for these series of actions that were not my fault--and they all know they were not my fault--then nothing will change and people will continue to be hurt. I'm being asked to apologzie to make it all better for everyone, even though the only thing I've done is defend myself. I did not start this chain of events that have happened and I have never been the one to keep the ball rolling on the whole issue. Others have done that. So even though I was attacked (verbally and emotionally) by someone, I'm now supposed to apologize to the one who attacked me so it will be better for everyone? When is it my turn to get support and stand up for myself? When is it my turn for them to stand up for me and blame the person who started the whole mess? (This isn't the person who abused me; he's dead.) I feel I'm being treated so unfairly by being asked to apologize when all I did was defend myself. Yet if I don't apologize, it'll be my fault. Even if I apologize, nothing in my family will ever be better. There will be drama about something else. I've always been the peacekeeper. I've always backed off. I've always shoved my feelings down to make others happy. I can't do it this time. They've asking way to much of me and I just WANT TO SCREAM MY BLOODY HEAD OFF! NO MORE! I CAN'T GIVE THEM ANY MORE OF ME! I'VE GAVE AND GAVE AND GAVE AND THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. YET THEY WANT MORE. THEY ALWAYS WANT MORE FROM ME. IVE DONE ENOUGH.