New here. This hurts.
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|Fri, 10-05-2012 - 4:37pm|
Hi. I'm new here, and given the nature of this board, I don't think I have to explain why. I have realized that I desperately need some sort of support from someone who has been where I am right now. I have not spoken to anyone except my husband and affair partner (ex...I think? yeah, I'll explain), and I am not willing to talk to any of my friends, family or a therapist at this time. I just can't.
With tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks, I just spent over an hour typing out a longer, more detailed account of my journey over the last two years; however, I deleted it when I realzed that it was unnecessary and that nobody really wants a play-by-play anyway. It really all boils down to the same scenario, doesn't it? Besides, what follows is already too long anyway.
Here are the basics:
It started almost two years ago. My AP was out of the country (he wasn't my AP yet) and began messaging me through FB. It was strictly friendly for the most part, and his W and my H even knew that we talked. They were okay with it. At times, he did get a little too personal and slightly flirty, but I shut him down when that happened. He always apologized, blaming his loneliness for his actions. I understood and didn't make a big deal out of it. I even avoided chatting with him sometimes to keep things in check. See, we were already friends and had been for several years. Kids the same age, friendly relationship with he and his wife, etc. I just didn't think it was a big deal that we were communicating.
We chatted a good bit over the next six months about nothing in particular, but I didn't fully realize his intentions until after he was back in the states. That's when the texting and calling started. Things suddenly evolved into something I never imagined, and I let it. I was flattered, because he is HOT and someone I would consider way out of my league. Not to mention, we just clicked. We truly enjoyed talking and spending time together.
About three weeks after he was back in the country and after many hours spent texting and talking, he told me he loved me. I told him he didn't, that he loved the excitement of the situation. I didn't want to let myself go there, but I didn't want to completely isolate myself from him either. I liked what we had too much. We ended up meeting a couple of times after that and finally made love for the first time a couple of months after he returned to the states. It was exciting and I was crazy about him, but I knew I needed to keep my feelings to myself. If he didn't know, it was okay, right?
Then came his breakdown, a suicide plan, my talking him out of carrying out his plan, his hospitalization, and a MISERABLE period of separation for a couple of months while he was trying to heal. I missed him terribly. It was awful. I wanted to be the one taking care of him. I mean really - I was the one who noticed he was slowly falling off the deep end. I was the one who talked him into getting help instead of blowing his brains out. His W had no clue! She was too busy with her own social life to even notice anything was wrong. It was so sad, and my heart hurt for him. It was so hard to see this man, a hero in the eyes of most, this depressed and hopeless. Understandably, this is when we became so close.
After his breakdown and realizing that I almost lost him forever, as a friend or otherwise, I knew that I loved him. I wanted to tell him, but with his emotional state, I left him alone except for an occasional "hope you're doing okay" text. I didn't want to pressure him, yet I wanted him to know that I cared. He finally contacted me after a couple of months and wanted to talk in person. I agreed.
He apologized to me for not keeping in touch. He felt bad, saying that he felt like he was the one who "reeled me in" as he called it, and then he had ignored me after I had helped him so much. I told him that I understood that he was going through a very rough time. That is when he told me that if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't be alive. I saved his life. I guess I didn't really realize it until he actually said it. I couldn't hold it in any longer and told him that I loved him. He cried. We both did. We just held each other for the longest time and cried.
That was almost a year ago. The past year has been full of highs and lows, like every affair I guess. We would get so incredibly close emotionally, and then he would shut down completely. He would ignore my texts and would avoid me when I saw him. He did this to me every couple of months. He would shut me out for weeks, then he would contact me and apologize. He always said it was because he was getting too close to me and it would scare him. Each time he did this to me, I said....no more. Each time, I caved and let him back in, only to be devastated again a few weeks later. I've lost count how many times this happened. It hurt worse each time.
Five months ago, my H discovered the affair. He was so hurt, yet he forgave me almost instantly. He did take some of the blame, realizing that he needed to be a better husband. He had been a complete and total jerk for almost our entire marriage. Even still, there is never a good reason or excuse to have an affair. (Side note: H hasn't always been faithful either. Not an excuse, just fact.) H agreed not to tell AP's wife (we know each other well) if I agreed to end it. So, I agreed, knowing that while the deep feelings for AP were still there, they would eventually go away if I stayed away from him.
My H and I rekindled our relationship. It was amazing how instantly I was so in love with my H again....but my thoughts were with my AP almost constantly. While I did think of him, my renewed relationship with my H allowed me to push my feelings for AP aside. Still, I worried about him and wondered how he was. I wondered if he still loved me. I wondered if he really ever loved me. You know, the typical emotions that come with the territory.
My honeymoon with my H lasted a couple of months. Then one day, it hit me how much I missed my AP. I had ignored my feelings. I became severely depressed, and I hated it. I began to think that if I could just talk to him and "officially" end it, I would be okay. I felt so conflicted. There was no real end. I tried to text him and call him, but he wouldn't respond. This went on for weeks. Finally, I got in touch with him and we talked briefly on the phone. My H knew about it. Then, we met to talk in person. No, H didn't know about that and still doesn't as far as I know.
When AP and I met to talk, he did reveal to me that his W knew he had an affair (he told her) but that she didn't know my identity and didn't want to know. He also said that their marriage was over and he had plans to move out. He explained that NC with me allowed him to make uninfluenced decisions regarding his marriage. Now, I never tried to influence him to leave. He just meant that by disconnecting from me, he could make decisions based soley on his marital relationship and not factor in the possibility that I'd be waiting with open arms. He also admitted that he was hoping that it would all just go away and thought that NC was the best way to make that happen. I argued, saying that he should have at least given me an explanation. In hindsight, we should've maintained NC, no matter how much it hurt.
We started texting a little again and met a couple of times to talk things out. There was hugging and kissing, lots of "I love you's" but we didn't have sex again. We've actually only had sex a handful of times over the last year, so in case you were wondering if he would shut me out just because he got what he wanted, that couldn't be further from the truth.
Well, the last time I saw him in person was three weeks ago. He told me that he loved me and sent this text...."one day." When I asked, "One day what?" His reply was...."maybe we can be together." I was floored. He had NEVER mentioned a real relationship to me. He called right after he sent that text and went on and on about how much he loved me, how much he wanted me, and how much he wanted to be with me. I was sobbing. I thought those words would make me happy, but instead, I was scared. I was scared because it meant that I might have to make a decision: a decision to be with him or a decision to crush his heart. I guess he scared himself to death too, because he shut down on me again the very same day. I haven't heard from him since then. It has been three weeks now.
I tried to text him numerous times, but he wouldn't respond. I have given up, and I have promised myself that I won't try to contact him anymore. He was supposed to move out to his other home in another city, but I have seen him around town. He hasn't left his W. I can only assume that they are trying to work things out. Maybe that is why he hasn't contacted me this time. Then again, it doesn't really matter why does it? Regardless, I won't be interfering.
Maybe he thinks that since there never has been a real "end," that the door is still open and that we can pick up where we left off. He couldn't be more wrong. I just can't do it anymore. I just can't. It hurts way too much, and I am tired. Exhausted actually. Things get better with H, then AP shows up and it all goes to hell again. I know he's the reason that I have trouble fully reconnecting with my H. I know that NC is what I need, and today makes 8 days since I have tried to contact him. It doesn't sound like much, but it is a personal record.
This is killing me. I have had to basically sit on my damn hands to keep from texting or dialing his number. H got suspicious that I was seeing him again simply by my demeanor. He can see right through me. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have, and I know that if I let AP go completely, it will only get better for my H and me.
I guess what I'm asking for is encouragement to maintain NC. I want to talk to him so badly, but I know that it just starts the vicious cycle over again. I hate it when he shuts down and shuts me out, but this time, I think it's for the best. GOD I love him, but I have to concentrate on what's important (my family) and not what feels "right." I worry about him too. I hope he's okay.
I know that I am doing the right thing, but I feel like a huge part of me is missing. It is almost unbearable at times. It is getting better, though. Still, it hurts, and it hurts bad. I miss him so, so much and would give just about anything sometimes for one of his amazing hugs or just to simply hear his voice.
I will get through this. I know I will. I just needed somewhere to go when it gets to be too much, so here I am. Right now, it's too much.
Thank you in advance to anyone who took the time to read this insanely long post.