New here. This hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
New here. This hurts.
12
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 4:37pm

Hi. I'm new here, and given the nature of this board, I don't think I have to explain why. I have realized that I desperately need some sort of support from someone who has been where I am right now. I have not spoken to anyone except my husband and affair partner (ex...I think? yeah, I'll explain), and I am not willing to talk to any of my friends, family or a therapist at this time. I just can't.

With tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks, I just spent over an hour typing out a longer, more detailed account of my journey over the last two years; however, I deleted it when I realzed that it was unnecessary and that nobody really wants a play-by-play anyway. It really all boils down to the same scenario, doesn't it? Besides, what follows is already too long anyway. 

Here are the basics:

It started almost two years ago. My AP was out of the country (he wasn't my AP yet) and began messaging me through FB. It was strictly friendly for the most part, and his W and my H even knew that we talked. They were okay with it. At times, he did get a little too personal and slightly flirty, but I shut him down when that happened. He always apologized, blaming his loneliness for his actions. I understood and didn't make a big deal out of it. I even avoided chatting with him sometimes to keep things in check. See, we were already friends and had been for several years. Kids the same age, friendly relationship with he and his wife, etc. I just didn't think it was a big deal that we were communicating.

We chatted a good bit over the next six months about nothing in particular, but I didn't fully realize his intentions until after he was back in the states. That's when the texting and calling started. Things suddenly evolved into something I never imagined, and I let it. I was flattered, because he is HOT and someone I would consider way out of my league. Not to mention, we just clicked. We truly enjoyed talking and spending time together.

About three weeks after he was back in the country and after many hours spent texting and talking, he told me he loved me. I told him he didn't, that he loved the excitement of the situation. I didn't want to let myself go there, but I didn't want to completely isolate myself from him either. I liked what we had too much. We ended up meeting a couple of times after that and finally made love for the first time a couple of months after he returned to the states. It was exciting and I was crazy about him, but I knew I needed to keep my feelings to myself. If he didn't know, it was okay, right?

Then came his breakdown, a suicide plan, my talking him out of carrying out his plan, his hospitalization, and a MISERABLE period of separation for a couple of months while he was trying to heal. I missed him terribly. It was awful. I wanted to be the one taking care of him. I mean really - I was the one who noticed he was slowly falling off the deep end. I was the one who talked him into getting help instead of blowing his brains out. His W had no clue! She was too busy with her own social life to even notice anything was wrong. It was so sad, and my heart hurt for him. It was so hard to see this man, a hero in the eyes of most, this depressed and hopeless. Understandably, this is when we became so close.

After his breakdown and realizing that I almost lost him forever, as a friend or otherwise, I knew that I loved him. I wanted to tell him, but with his emotional state, I left him alone except for an occasional "hope you're doing okay" text. I didn't want to pressure him, yet I wanted him to know that I cared. He finally contacted me after a couple of months and wanted to talk in person. I agreed.

He apologized to me for not keeping in touch. He felt bad, saying that he felt like he was the one who "reeled me in" as he called it, and then he had ignored me after I had helped him so much. I told him that I understood that he was going through a very rough time. That is when he told me that if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't be alive. I saved his life. I guess I didn't really realize it until he actually said it. I couldn't hold it in any longer and told him that I loved him. He cried. We both did. We just held each other for the longest time and cried.

That was almost a year ago. The past year has been full of highs and lows, like every affair I guess. We would get so incredibly close emotionally, and then he would shut down completely. He would ignore my texts and would avoid me when I saw him. He did this to me every couple of months. He would shut me out for weeks, then he would contact me and apologize. He always said it was because he was getting too close to me and it would scare him. Each time he did this to me, I said....no more. Each time, I caved and let him back in, only to be devastated again a few weeks later. I've lost count how many times this happened. It hurt worse each time.

Five months ago, my H discovered the affair. He was so hurt, yet he forgave me almost instantly. He did take some of the blame, realizing that he needed to be a better husband. He had been a complete and total jerk for almost our entire marriage. Even still, there is never a good reason or excuse to have an affair. (Side note: H hasn't always been faithful either. Not an excuse, just fact.) H agreed not to tell AP's wife (we know each other well) if I agreed to end it. So, I agreed, knowing that while the deep feelings for AP were still there, they would eventually go away if I stayed away from him.

My H and I rekindled our relationship. It was amazing how instantly I was so in love with my H again....but my thoughts were with my AP almost constantly. While I did think of him, my renewed relationship with my H allowed me to push my feelings for AP aside. Still, I worried about him and wondered how he was. I wondered if he still loved me. I wondered if he really ever loved me. You know, the typical emotions that come with the territory. 

My honeymoon with my H lasted a couple of months. Then one day, it hit me how much I missed my AP. I had ignored my feelings. I became severely depressed, and I hated it. I began to think that if I could just talk to him and "officially" end it, I would be okay. I felt so conflicted. There was no real end. I tried to text him and call him, but he wouldn't respond. This went on for weeks. Finally, I got in touch with him and we talked briefly on the phone. My H knew about it. Then, we met to talk in person. No, H didn't know about that and still doesn't as far as I know.

When AP and I met to talk, he did reveal to me that his W knew he had an affair (he told her) but that she didn't know my identity and didn't want to know. He also said that their marriage was over and he had plans to move out. He explained that NC with me allowed him to make uninfluenced decisions regarding his marriage. Now, I never tried to influence him to leave. He just meant that by disconnecting from me, he could make decisions based soley on his marital relationship and not factor in the possibility that I'd be waiting with open arms. He also admitted that he was hoping that it would all just go away and thought that NC was the best way to make that happen. I argued, saying that he should have at least given me an explanation. In hindsight, we should've maintained NC, no matter how much it hurt.

We started texting a little again and met a couple of times to talk things out. There was hugging and kissing, lots of "I love you's" but we didn't have sex again. We've actually only had sex a handful of times over the last year, so in case you were wondering if he would shut me out just because he got what he wanted, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Well, the last time I saw him in person was three weeks ago. He told me that he loved me and sent this text...."one day." When I asked, "One day what?" His reply was...."maybe we can be together." I was floored. He had NEVER mentioned a real relationship to me. He called right after he sent that text and went on and on about how much he loved me, how much he wanted me, and how much he wanted to be with me. I was sobbing. I thought those words would make me happy, but instead, I was scared. I was scared because it meant that I might have to make a decision: a decision to be with him or a decision to crush his heart. I guess he scared himself to death too, because he shut down on me again the very same day. I haven't heard from him since then. It has been three weeks now.

I tried to text him numerous times, but he wouldn't respond. I have given up, and I have promised myself that I won't try to contact him anymore. He was supposed to move out to his other home in another city, but I have seen him around town. He hasn't left his W. I can only assume that they are trying to work things out. Maybe that is why he hasn't contacted me this time. Then again, it doesn't really matter why does it? Regardless, I won't be interfering. 

Maybe he thinks that since there never has been a real "end," that the door is still open and that we can pick up where we left off. He couldn't be more wrong. I just can't do it anymore. I just can't. It hurts way too much, and I am tired. Exhausted actually. Things get better with H, then AP shows up and it all goes to hell again. I know he's the reason that I have trouble fully reconnecting with my H. I know that NC is what I need, and today makes 8 days since I have tried to contact him. It doesn't sound like much, but it is a personal record.

This is killing me. I have had to basically sit on my damn hands to keep from texting or dialing his number. H got suspicious that I was seeing him again simply by my demeanor. He can see right through me. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have, and I know that if I let AP go completely, it will only get better for my H and me. 

I guess what I'm asking for is encouragement to maintain NC. I want to talk to him so badly, but I know that it just starts the vicious cycle over again. I hate it when he shuts down and shuts me out, but this time, I think it's for the best. GOD I love him, but I have to concentrate on what's important (my family) and not what feels "right." I worry about him too. I hope he's okay.

I know that I am doing the right thing, but I feel like a huge part of me is missing. It is almost unbearable at times. It is getting better, though. Still, it hurts, and it hurts bad. I miss him so, so much and would give just about anything sometimes for one of his amazing hugs or just to simply hear his voice.

I will get through this. I know I will. I just needed somewhere to go when it gets to be too much, so here I am. Right now, it's too much. 

Thank you in advance to anyone who took the time to read this insanely long post. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 6:29pm
Hope, welcome to the board. I feel your pain and have been there. Your logical side is battling with a dream an addicting dream. I have one question I want you to.think about. Are you truly in love with affair man or do you want to rescue him? Sometimes we want to be needed, really needed more then loved. It gives us a sense of purpose, someone to nurture.

Read my past post, where is your bucket? It will give you some food for thought. Also read the book, why good people have affairs. Hugs to you.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 8:46pm
Hello Hope, and I shall think of you as that because you will get through this. It's good that you wrote it all out as that will help you as you deal with the ups and downs of getting out of the fog. But in answer to your first need, yes maintain NC - it seems impossibly hard, hour by hour, but hold on and you have read countless times that it does get better, and I can say that's true.
When you think of the many lives and emotions tangled up here, what good decisions could possibly be made until everyone is thinking clearly? People in crisis reach out in desperate ways, say things they don't mean,anything to feel like their boat isn't sinking. So give yourself time and a clear space for thinking. Maintain NC so you are not crashing into xAP's boat too. Come here and post, and read both in the Healing library and new posts too. Some things will resonate with you, not all, but know that you are not alone.
Hugs, Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:08am

Thank you both for replying.

Sunny, I truly love him without a doubt. However, I do have to agree that my need to feel needed has been a factor. Feeling needed makes me feel important and cherished. My H says that I am the most caring, kind-hearted person that he knows. He thinks that my AP took advantage of that. I'm not sure I believe that in the context he presents it, but there may be some truth to his thoughts.

Daisy, thank you for your response as well. I like "Hope." :heart: Writing it all out did help a lot! I also have a blog where I've been journaling so to speak. It is all set to private and password-protected, so it's "all mine." It was actually H's suggestion that I write it all down and get it out in some way. It really does help. Oh, and thanks for the Healing Library suggestion. There' some great info there!

Thank you both again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 1:09pm
Hi Hope, or maybe even high hope! I am glad you have posted in EAS too and know that you will get lots of support and advice on both boards. Writing is such a useful tool, in the early days for sure, but I have found now 5+ months out that along the way it has helped me to go back and see what I had been feeling. It really does change, and not always in a linear manner. Sometimes there will be a big shift in your emotions - sort of like defrosting your freezer and having a big piece of ice go "clunk!"

Keep up the good work, XO Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2012
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 3:03pm

Just read your post and I am a male, somewhat in the same position that your H is in. It sounds as if your H has helped you in some small way to get through this or try to get through this agonizing situation. Pretty amazing, not sure I could do that with my wife, who is still cheating and but she doesn't know that I know. (I have had an affair and she found out, before we had kids. That was over 10 years ago and I thought everything was good, until 4 months ago, when I found out about her affair).We have young kids, so I have not confronted her (yet).

As for AP, he seems to really not know what he wants, given his times when you don't hear from him. I don't doubt your feelings for each other, but at the same time, he seems to be in "search" mode, not really knowing what he wants. You seem to be in "rescue" mode. From my perspective and given I am in a similar position as your H, I do encourage your to maintain NC from AP. It will get better as others have said. It took me awhile to get past my AP, but I DID. You will too.

Also, it seems that you and your H are starting to "get it together" so to speak. Maybe you have all you really need right under you. (Perhaps) .Trust me, your H needs you as much as your AP, maybe he hasn't told you, but sometimes the male species is like that. :smileyhappy:

You love both of them, but the question is who do you really want and need in your life, the rest of your life. A H who seems to have gotten together or the AP, who may always be in & out of your life, even you decide to leave your H and make a life with AP.

Good luck and God bless, hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 3:25pm
Hi Hope, and welcome.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure that it was really hard and painful to type it all out that way - so thank you for that.

You will get through this, sweetie. I know that it hurts a lot right now - but I promise that the pain you feel will not be a forever thing. It will subside and you will come through this.

You have to let yourself, though. And one of the ways that you can do that is to let the wounds heal. Every time you reach out - whatever the end result is, whether he responds, or whether you have to feel rejected if he doesn't - it will tear the scab off, and make the pain fresh again.

So, the thing that you need most of all right now is time - and some distance from the situation. I hope you can give yourself both, Hope. I think you'll feel so much better if you do that.

Hugs,

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 3:27pm
Hi hurting,

As a BS, I hope that you have found the Betrayed Spouse Support board already, but if not, the link is here:

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Betrayed-Spouses-Support/ct-p/iv-rladultery

You will find much support for you there.

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 1:58pm

I do appreciate everyone's responses and words of encouragement, but I will have to find somewhere else to go for support. You see, this weekend my H discovered that I was (WAS) still seeing AP up until 3 weeks ago. He didn't know about that part. Well, I showed him my original post here in an attempt to prove that I was being truthful this time and had not seen AP in weeks nor had I tried to contact him in over a week, almost 2 weeks now. I had trouble letting go, but I am letting go. Honestly.

Understandably, my entire life is now being monitored. My phone was bugged, and my laptop probably is as well. There is probably a GPS on my car, and I know that my mileage is being checked. He has asked AP for a meeting so they can talk. Something else for me to worry about.

I understand his position. He has every right to monitor me I suppose, so I re-bugged my phone FOR him. He knows my username here and now has one of his own. Look up a few posts. That's him. I know for a fact.  

I need support. There is no doubt about that. However, I cannot express my deepest feelings and specific support needs knowing that H is reading every word that I type and responding with his own advice. I have nothing else to hide, but I won't be comfortable posting here any longer. 

Funny thing is, we've promised each other complete honesty. Last night, I specifically asked him if he was here, if that was his post. He said "No. You need the support. You need the privacy." He claimed to not even know how to find my post again.

Well, so much for honesty. Next time, sweetie, use an original password and not the one you use for everything else.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 2:17pm
Hope,

Part of my d-day was the discovery of ivillage and these boards, so I understand where you are coming from.

But in my situation, part of our rebuilding and recovery from the affair included negotiations as to my posting here on the boards. We came to an agreement about that, and my DH has his own user name here at ivillage and used to post as well (though not in this space).

I hate to see you cut yourself off from any source of support. And as someone who has been in similar shoes - I will tell you that this CAN work, if you are both willing to negotiate it and set up some ground rules.

If you want to talk about it - I'm here, or you can PM me, or I'll send you my email address, or whatever you'd like.

It really can work, though - and isolating yourself and trying to get through all of this alone can be a hard path to follow.

Hugs - for both of you,

Kim


    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 6:32pm
I don't know, Kim. My H will question everything I post. He will torture himself and be hurt all over again every time he logs in. I just can't see it working for us.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Why do you miss him if you want to stay with me?"

"What did you mean by that?"

I just don't see how it can work. Two steps forward, three steps back. Again.

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