Help! Confused and depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Help! Confused and depressed.
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 5:39pm

Ok. Here goes nothing. I had no idea who to turn to with any of this since most of my friends and family would be incredibly disapproving...

I'm 26 years old, I have been maried for two years to a wonderful man who loves me but over the past year I have found myself less and less attracted to him. There are all of these things about him i never realized before -- like how unattentive he is, how I do all the planning, how much lack of passion and ambition he has... Needless to say I have been pretty unhappy.

SO enter Mr. X. Mr. X is a childhood friend of mine who I have always been close with but was never attracted to, it was always very platonic- but lately we have been spending more time together and the more I saw him the more I SAW him and I honestly cannot believe that we have known eachother 15 years and that I never noticed how incredibly perfect he is for me. I mean we literally share the same interests, the same cultural background- and to top it off he is one of the sweetest men I"ve ever known and incredibly easy on the eyes as well.

For the last two weeks we have been sleeping together and I can't remember the last time I have felt so good, so happy. I am giddy about it almost. Now I'm not sure what to do though- all I can think about is Mr. X. I feel like I have no idea how I even lived my life without him and that I should get a divorce and move on with my life. But then I am terrified that he doesnt feel the same way about me- I have no idea how to talk to him about any of this and I have no idea what to do about my husband. It's pretty clear to me that I don't want to be married anymore but I am also so worried about Mr. X rejecting me and ending up alone.

My feelings for Mr. X are genuine. I can hardly function anymore because all I think about is him. I make up any excuse I can to text or call him, I spend every minute of my free time with him... My heart rate goes up even thinking about him. I am so happy but at the same riddled with anxiety and depression about getting divorced, possibly ending up alone and not getting to be with Mr. X. What should I do? How do I handle this? If Mr. X feels the same way I do I would file for a divorce Monday morning. I want to be with Mr. X the way I wanted to be with husband when I met him six years ago, I want it to be him and I. I have never felt his way about anyone, not even my husband. We have so much in common that it's unreal... HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 5:50pm

Let's try and take a pragmatic look at this... it's only been a couple of weeks, so of course you're riding cloud 9 and everything is great.  Just keep that in mind and let things simmer down some so you can have a clearer view of what's happening.  Don't let the fear of being alone stop you from what you want though, you're still young and have plenty of time to find someone else if it doesn't work out with the husband or Mr. X.  Hell even when you're 60 you can still find someone...  Now have you talked to Mr. X about your feelings?  I think you should ask him if it's mutual or if this is just the honeymoon phase you're basking in.  Also do you truly think it is more or less over with your husband or has the lust for Mr. X fogged up your mind here?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 6:11pm
I feel like I really do genuinely like Mr. X. I have never had such an intense connection with anyone in my entire life... I feel like slapping myself for never paying attention before. That saying what you're looking for could be standing right infront of you is soooo accurate in this situation. Mr. X is also very shy and somewhat introverted so it's hard for me to tell what's on his mind... He's hard to read and I think I've done a good job covering up my feelings for him because I feel like it's WAY too early to tell him how I feel without sounding like a crazy person. I have no idea how to go about finding out how he feels about me or this whole situation? He knows I'm married- maybe he assumes all this is is a physical thing? But it's so not...

And as for the husband, things have not been going well for about a year... I recenetly started medical school and have been so happy to get out of the house and away, I feel like young and free and happy when I'm away from my husband and Mr. X just happened to come along and the timing was right and now all I do is think about him... Sigh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 6:14pm

Hazel, welcome to the board. I feel your pain and have been there. Your affair is a bandaide for what you feel is wrong at home. It is so early in the A, you are running on the feel good enodrphins, becareful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 7:37pm

I don't want to be a downer, but I agree with sunny.  You've been unhappy for a while, and it's so easy to let someone else be the answer to that.  If you're serious about leaving your H, you have a lot to think about it.  If you leave only to pursue things with AP, the chances of it working aren't good.  It has to be for your own reasons and happiness.  When I left my M, I no longer cared about ending up alone - that still seemed better to me than staying in the M.  Also, I don't know how long you knew H before you married him, but you don't want to leave & end up feeling the same way towards AP after a year or so.

My advice would be to slow down your thinking.  If you want to continue the A, enjoy time with him & how good you're feeling right now.  It's normal to be giddy & thinking of him all the time right now.  Let things unfold naturally, and if it's meant to be, it will be.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 12:37pm

I completely agree with everyone I need to CALM down. I am just so new to this, I feel like I'm in high school again and want to write his initials all over my binder. Haha. I think I have always been a somewhat controlling person so in this situation I feel like a fish out of water. I want to call Mr. X all the time, I haven't in two days because I want to give it a little bit since our last encounter but I also haven't heard from him? Is this cause for concern? I have known him for YEARS and we were always good platonic friends and I have never felt uncomfortable or self conscious around him until now... I am terrified of rejection after being with my H for six years I have no idea how to even go about doing this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 5:35pm

Weather  your AP wants to be with you or not , you need to leave your M   because you dont  love your H , you are  still young   & you have started having this  affair in so  early years of your M .  What  is it that confusing you  ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:31pm

I had a very similar situation with my XAP.  It's amazing how you can know somebody for years without feeling those feelings then...POOF!...suddenly everything changes.  Bizarre!

My main advice is to assume you will be alone if you choose to get a D.  You just can't make a major decision like that based on a contingency.  If you are OK with the idea of being alone, then maybe it is the right thing to do.  Nobody knows what will happen, but if you've been on here much at all, you know that APs rarely end up with each other in a regular R.  That means you need to be realistic and make decisions based on that reality.  And, if he would decide to leave his M, too, then it would just be a wonderful bonus for you.  

Just as a side note---If you do decide to leave your H, dating is not easy.  I'm sure it is easier for some people that it is for me, but it has been over a year since I moved out and I haven't had any serious relationships at all.  I'm not in any rush and I don't mind being alone, but if you are the type who doesn't like to be alone, consider it seriously before you make a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Sun, 10-07-2012 - 8:27pm

The thing about Mr. X is that he's single. He doesn't have a W or a GF, He's just totally single and unattached. So I think it's a little different... Possibly.

 I was an AP once before I got married... and of course he never left his W and things ended in complete heartbreak and disaster for me... But the crazy thing is is that all of the sudden I have these intense feelings for Mr. X. Although since we slept together a few times I feel there is some awkwardness and tension between us and I'm wondering if he's having regrets, is confused, or maybe just doesn't even want to involved with me because it's all so complicated and dramatic. I feel like I am the one making all the effort. It's crazy because we have been platonic friends for years and he used to absolutely adore me. Of course then I was single as well and never saw him like that but now all the sudden it's like he's this handsome, smart amazing man that I'm crazy about. I feel like I'm 14, I don't even know how to act around him. If I knew for sure that he wanted to be with me, I would leave my M. Today. Is that completely insane? I'm starting to wonder if my fixation with Mr. X isn't even about Mr. X and it's more about me looking for something that I don't have -- or trying to validate myself. At any rate I know I should probably do what's ethical and leave my M- I've always loved to have my cake and eat it too but lately I have been thinking about my H and that this isn't just about me. The world does not revolve around Hazel and he deserves to find someone who will love him...

I'm going completely insane contemplating the failure of my life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 5:58pm

..If I knew for sure that he wanted to be with me, I would leave my M. Today.............

Well if this  is the level of your committment for your M, then its worth nothing to you . You  first  concern  should be to end it today.  Your H might actually  be  having all those drawbacks that you mentioned  ,  you might  not find him  attractive , & you & AP might be  having the intense connection that you described   & your feelings might be genuine , BUT .....still your H doesn't deserve to be strung until you are certain about your Ap's  feelings . You can continue your affair with your AP , by all means but why your H should play a part in all  this ?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 6:39pm
Your life is certainly not a failure. Things happen. You need to take some time and reevaluate your life. Take this time that he has not contacted you and think and feel. Look into yourself and try to figure out why you did what you did.

This a is new feelings. If you are going to leave h, then do it for reasons to do with your m. Don't let the feelings for mr. X cloud your judgement. Single or not, you can't rely on him to be there, friend before or not. You have to depend on you. I am the married one, we separated, ap disappeared right after, even though I believed his excitement. If you are going to be alone, be able to be alone.


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