is it just me or

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
is it just me or
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 10:03pm

does this woman have a problem? She is in my mom's group. She had a baby during the summer, and came back to the group in the fall (our group does not meet during the summer); her SIL is in our group and she said "none of you did anything for her when she had her baby". This is her second baby so some people naturally don't think a shower is necessary. But after her guilt trip, we pitched in money to give her. Now, 2 weeks later, her SIL sends out an email to all of us with a sign up sheet, telling us we should cook and bring meals to this new mother's home, every night, for the next two weeks. She is not sick & her baby is not sick, and I don't see why we are being asked to do this. I have never brought food to anyone's home unless they had a death in their family or had just come back from the hospital. Its also not like she just got out of the hospital - she had her baby quite some time ago.  It seems tacky to me. I also get the feeling that she wants everyone to bow down and worship her because she just had a baby. It also seems like, over and over again, we are confronted with: "you should do lots of things for this person".  I would have thought the money gift was enough. No? I get the feeling there is more to come.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 12:11am

It might make sense if she just had the baby especially if she had a difficult delivery, but I've never heard of taking meals to somebody who is healthy and had a baby a few months ago. I would ignore the sign up sheets. If SIL presses the issue then ask her "what's WRONG with her that she can't cook anymore?"

If it was a book club maybe she could get some sympathy but since its a mother's group you all have at least one kid and probably managed to cook even when they were newborns, with toddlers, etc. It sounds like she's asking the wrong crowd to cater to a new mom. Nice try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:36pm

No, it is not you; this woman is ludicrous to expect others to cook for and fawn over the baby!  Nor does she have any right to expect others, be it a mothers' group or book club, to provide a shower (especially in this economy).

Women have babies all the time.  My great-grandmother was known to give birth one day and go back to work in the farm the following day, with my grandfather strapped on her back.  If this woman cannot manage both children and household chore, she should 1. re-think about having children and/or 2.  hire domestic help. 

As a childless (by choice) woman, I get so sick and tired of new parents EXPECTING help.  It is one thing if someone is a close friend.  I am more than happy to cook, babysit, etc. and have done so quite often.  But for mere acquaintances, it is your choice to have babies, so you deal with it.  Why should I cook for someone else when sometimes I don't even cook for myself?  One of the perks of being childless is if I want to have martini and almonds for dinner, I could.  :catwink:

Apologies if I hijacked the post.  I think you need to be very firm or this woman may start to think she is entitled to all that.  Just wait till she has her third baby ...


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:42pm

<<Just wait till she has her third baby ...>>

I probably won't stick around that long. Because there probably will be a 3rd baby and a 3rd set of demands.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:48pm

I kind of thought that is what microwave ovens are for....if you don't have time to cook, you heat up frozen meals from the grocery store.

Also, there is no poverty issue going on here, both her & her husband are professionals, advanced degrees, with good jobs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:55am

This isn't very different from all the "you owe me" posts where people are being told they have to give things to others.  Somebody gets the idea they are owed something and the people who are asked to give start feeling used.  My advice for this situation and any silimar ones...only give what you want to give, can afford to give and think is appropriate for the situation. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 8:38pm

It`s her. I have never heard of something like this. Not sure if that is a tradition in her family or religion and that´s why she is asking for that. What do the rest of the group thinks about the sign list?

Probably this woman SIL, found easy that she mentioned "You didn't do a thing for her when her baby was born", and she is just trying to see how much she can get out of the group.

As a group, you must have some standards of what you do or don´t do for the group members. If this is something that is not common and you have never done for any of the group. Ignore this woman, because if you do what she wants, she might want to be the group leader, and command you to serve her SIL.

If she insists, tell her "That is something we don´t do in the group, unless someone has come from the hospital, or if someone's passes away".

Set a boundary!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 12:16am

I am not sure what everyone else thinks about the sign list, but I will find out soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 7:14pm

Wow, the whole situation sounds crazy. WIthin our church family it is common for someone to set up a meal train for the first 2 weeks after a mom and baby come home. I always felt that it was tacky to ask for meals or gifts. I would have been quite embarressed if I had found out a family member were asking others to do these things. Heck, my mom refused to let me have a shower for my second child, who was a different sex and 7 yrs behind my first. Both situations that Emily Post says are acceptable shower situations! I think this woman, the sil, is just rude and classless. I'll be interested to see what the rest of hte group goes with.