Just wondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012
Just wondering
4
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 12:39am

A member of another board I am in suggested I get some insight from you guys. I am female, near 40, have always had a very high libido. Since I was like 12 and realized I knew what it was. I was horny even younger but didn't understand what it meant or was. So I just ended a 7 yr relationship (a affair actually and am ashamed of it). Now, the sex is completely gone. Gone. Gone. I used to be ashamed of my high libido, and my female friends would tell me how weird it was. But when in the relationship he told me it wasn't bad, just more than some. I don't act out on my urges, I am not a nympho, I do not go to bars or act out on my drive. But to be honest it is driving me insane. I don't want to get rid of it, I just don't know how to deal with now that I am not having sex. I do not use b.o.b.s and they do not work for me. Masturbating leaves me in tears because I want the real thing. My sex drive is "not vanilla" in nature. So.....I was in a "50 shades of something" relationship, and was finally accepted for who I was. Now I ended it, and I embark on trying to deal with this drive and not vanilla sex needs. 

Some days I am so horny I am just angry, very angry  inside...it isn't like "man, I wish I could go make love ...sigh". I feel like "man, I really need to #$$%^ and I can't so now I want to slam a plate". I've tried exercising to exhaustion. Guess what? It made me hornier. I tried drinking some wine, it made me hornier. I feel like I'm walking around ready to either "F" or fight. I never act out on my urges, but my high libido is affecting how I work and treat my family (kids) now.....I just feel a lot of angst. And no, I'm not married. I am a single mom in a professional field (so I also have to be very careful what I do in public). Any insights? Thoughts? 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 10:49am
Welcome. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Wish I had a "magic bullet" to send you that would end the frustration. Seems like you need to go out and find the fish in that big ocean out there who meets your needs. My only advice is to avoid another relationship with someone who is unavailable for long term monogamy, if what you want is long term monogamy. You are literally wasting your time, even if the sex is great. Good luck.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 4:20pm

Thanks for the response and ideas. To be honest I haven't read a page of 50 shades, I really didn't want to read what the mass herd seemed to "be enlightened" with.....and I wasn't sure if it would make my problems worse (desire etc). The closest I can describe something that is par for my course is the movie "the secretary". Multiple issues the main female lead had in the movie were dead on for what I experienced and lived. It took me until I was 31 yrs old to come to terms with some of it, work past part of it and accept myself through another part. But my choice  to end a 7 yr emotionally unhealthy relationship (affair) though 110% finally sexually satisfying has been really difficult though is only 3 weeks old. 

I used to write out ideas and scenarios as well as read them before, but mostly I found that I grew hungry for it if that makes sense. I was told by a select few people that the writing was incredibly good....I simply couldn't read what I had written more than once or my drive would escalate and I would be sexually frustrated even more. 

You are spot on in how you say "going out looking for sex" is not the way to go. And the connection, yes, that is totally right too. The desire DOES affect other aspects of life. Sometimes the sex drive has helped me work long, arduous hours or run for miles. But at some point when transfering the sex drive doesn't work out anymore.....it is like a deep deep itch that can't be scratched or ignored and the anger/frustration comes. I wish channelling it into more work or more exercise would work....but there is only so many miles, so many weights, so many hours you can do this. The D/s relationship I had though emotionally and ethically wrong satisfied and calmed in a way that unless you have experienced it cannot be explained. I used to call it "suturing what is unraveling" and it really felt like that. I felt like I was slowly coming undone, and the experience patched or calmed the dark rising tides. It was simply a "reset button". Now the reset button is gone, the dark tides keep rising in me.