Why do we do this?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Why do we do this?
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 1:42am
I have posted my fairly new story I am. Kind of, well, actually, in an affair after a few months of hesitation. And to the ignorance and advice from you all as well as a good friend. So, I'm fully in it, right? I find things changing so dramatically with my dh. He cares more. Pays more attention. I'm positive he doesn't suspect, but what the hell? Why is he suddenly not taking me for granted, and what do i do with AP? What prompts this extra attention from hubby? What do I do? I think I love AP. Do I wait it out? Leave my marriage? Tell him about AP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to:
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 8:33am

There could be something that's changed in you with this A that's making your H react differently towards you.  I'm not in that situation, so I'm sure others can offer you more insight.

I read your original post and it didn't sound like you had been thinking of leaving your M prior to meeting this guy.  Are you considering now just because of the A?  It's only been a couple weeks & I'm not sure what your intent would be in telling your H.  You're caught up in the early stages where everything is new & exciting.  It takes a really long time to truly get to know someone and know if you can build a life with them.  Like I told someone else here, I think you need to slow down your thinking and figure out what you want from H.  It seems like you got into this for the attention, and now you're getting that from H, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:06am
Hi Gg,
Create said things wonderfully. What I believe is, you are giving off a happy vibe. Your smiling, your floating the feel good endorphins are flowing through your brain. All of this draws people to you, happy creates happy.

You are really not in love with AP, you are attracted to the new, to the feelings and the endorphins are drawing you in. It takes 6 months to really know someone, I am not saying 6 months of emails and occasional meetings. Given this relationship is an A, double or triple that time to really get to know your AP.

You admittedly wrote in your previous post that your AP is not new to the A scene. This is where I would really caution you. Why? Because maybe you feel deep down, you can be the one to catch the prize, you can be the one to finally fill AP's heart so fully he will never look again. If AP hasn't done the hard work and looked deep inside, he isn't ready to be fixed or maybe he just really likes new conquests.

That being said, if you are truly unhappy with your marriage don't leave it EVER for AP. Leave it for you, with the thought in mind, you are ready to live alone. Infact I think living alone and giving yourself time to heal and find yourself is one of the nicest things you can do for yourself.

Keep your A for fun, for sexual satisfaction. Make it a fun addition to your life not your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to:
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:18am
Take it from someone who has been there DO NOT tell your H about AP. I didnt exactly tell but he guessed and asked me and i didnt deny it. Now by that time our M had been really in a bad place for some time even before AP entered the pic. But it was hell. And it you still care about and love your H and conflicted about leaving dont tell him. Regardless od what happens in your M he doesnt need to know. It will hurt him more than you can ever imagine. My AP and I decided early on we wouldnt leave our Ms for each. I stuck to that and only decided to leave when i was at peace in my heart that i could be alone - and that being alone was better than being with H. I dont regret my decision to D now one bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
In reply to:
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 10:44am

Hi gggb,

the replies so far are spot on! Please take some time to concider the consequenses of telling H... IMO you should NEVER do this, even if in the end you decide to leave your M... NEVER tell, the hurt you will give him is undeserved to any man esp. one as you describe him in your posts. I also recommend as the previous posters have, that you recognise what feelings you have are not for your AP, they are feelings and elation and happiness at the new excitement of your situation, how alive you feel, how you are in the moment and 'in Love' is and is only, how you feel and are feeling, it is NOT in love with someone, it is in love with the happiness you are experiencing right now.

That said, I can say from experience if you just let time play out your A just a wee little bit you may see quickly the price that comes with the elation, and love, and especially this AP who is not new to this, you may experience the 'pulling away' phase from him that will wake you up to pain if you don't protect yourself and see what it is before you get tied up in the 'love' and then when its denied you the loss is excruciating... if you look at it differently, the hurt will just be, well ok that is happening now like a fact of the fun A, and you can keep it fun by waiting it out and keeping your M going, it can strenghthen your M alot, it has mine, every time.

I am just out of an AM A, a sweet one, but it was just for fun.... and I am not new to it either, it was my first one on AM tho... and I also spent months talking /typing with many on there before I found one I was interested in that made my heart thump and was worth the risk involved with an A... seemingly anyway.  But my H is very very very changed again this time as he is almost each time, and I don't know what it is either, b/c I'd never ever tell him about it, and he is not normally a clingy or suspicious type, but each time I am occupied w/ an A, he turns into a kinder, more tolerant, easier to live with H, and that is from an H that I often have wanted to leave, many times before embarking on an A have been about to leave and driven to leave, but as for anyone with children, its not so simple when your H is a good father, good man, sometimes good H, but very hard to live with and even now is driving me nuts I have to keep changing tabs b/c he is right around me bitching at me...... ugg.

Anyway better get off of here. Please do yourself a favor, you said in the past you did cheat on your SOs, but not to this time with your M yet till now.  Enjoy the thrills and let it play out. Enjoy the added attention you are getting from your H, its well deserved and about time.  Reciprocate it to him, you may just make your M so much better when (if) your A fades as it likely will, you'll just go right into a revived M with your H and you can enjoy one another in a new light and not have the pain of the fake 'in and out of in love' feeling fading, if you recognise it for what it is. Don't make any hasty decisions!  xxx



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 9:09pm

Yay!  Sounds like you have a good perspective now.  It's inevitable that sometimes your feelings will flare up, and that you will want more, but the more you practice keeping those sorts of feelings and thoughts in check, the easier it will be to stay in control of yourself.