dating disater

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
dating disater
8
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 2:56am

I'm thirtyish woman trying to date, the problem I've been having is that I get attached very fast why? simply because I like the feeling of being liked and the attention...yes I said attention. I started to attend a spiritual group and I met a young man that works there, since we had conversations before I saw no harm in giving him my phone number of course I was already attracted to him so I was ready, in fact I saw it as some kind of conquest. So here it starts right away we speak several times on the phone and thru text he tells me all the stuff I want to hear..."your so pretty" "smart" and the one that reeled me in " I like you a lot" so we began to date. Not only did we go out but I saw him twice a week because if the group and we would have good conversations. We went out a few times and it led to heavy make out sessions. I let him know right away I was not looking for a sexual relationship and stood my ground about waiting until I'm ready to have sex. He started to get distant answering texts with one word, and not returning calls after I approach him on it he says its work issues. I didn't believe him so instead of waiting to get dumped I dump him first. Well he calls back after I dump him very upset saying that he can't give 100% out of fear from being rejected meanwhile I feel the same way I don't want to get rejected either. Now he's has been texting more but I don't know what to do...he's been dropping hints about having sex eventhough I told him I'm not ready. At this point I don't know what to do.I like him but we haven't gone out lately and I asked him once about it and he said were going out soon but never make any arrangements. Please help I think he just want to have sex and not really invested in my feeling but he will call and text a lot but no action.I'm sorry I forgot to say he mentions SEX all the time!!!!!!!!!! That's why I really confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
In reply to: kima32
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 4:43am

He continuously pushes sex, although you made it clear you are not ready.  He doesn't  want to go out on real dates, only to make-out places.  Actions speak louder than words -- he's looking for sex.  Also, I don't think it would be necessary for you to ask him to dinner.  If he was really interested, he would be asking you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: kima32
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 10:05am

Well again you are saying that he seems to be pushing the sex thing. So you ask him out and he says he has no money. Well ok but I mean really? He can't afford to go eat even at a cheap place? But he does want to go to the make-out area and you two had a heavy make out session. To me he seems to be saying one thing and doing another.

Sorry but I really cannot believe that a person cannot afford to eat out even at an inexpensive place. He says he wants to wait, hes in no rush to have sex, but yet he takes you to the "make-out area".

My interpretation of this situation is you have a guy who is avoiding spending any quality alone time with you, by that I mean a normal date like dinner, where you could sit and talk and get to really know each other. But he is all about getting you up to the hot and heavy make-out spot where of course you guys did exactly that. He was hoping you would take it further when you were in the moment with him. So he flirts with you during your group, that does not mean he wants a relationship with you. Men who wants fling or a friends with benefits, or whatever you want to call it, can still flirt and will flirt to get you interested.

His actions show he is after only one thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
In reply to: kima32
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 3:00pm

I'm sorry I forgot to say he mentions SEX all the time!!!!!!!!!! That's why I really confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
In reply to: kima32
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 2:58pm

Firstly, I want to thank you for the advice

So here's the update:

I did ask him out to dinner and he nicely declined stating he's doesnt have money right now and would like to wait until he does and although I asked him out he doesnt feel comfortable with me paying. I understood and left it alone. He then asks if we could go to the "cliff" a local spot in out town where people go to talk or makeout. So pretty heavy making out sessions happened that night and although he says "I'm in no rush to have sex" and "I want to wait before getting serious"  I'm confused!!!!!!!!! I believe he is honest about his feeling simply because outside of us "dating" I am around him during the spritual group we both belong in and he acts very playfully around me like playfully pinching, or messing up my hair and even making fun of my suggestions for our group. He also tells me his problems and gives me advice about mine. So I'm really not sure now!!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 3:15pm
I'm kinda leaning toward the idea that he really does not want a relationship actually but I thought if you really wanted to find out for sure then the best way would be to just ask him out and see how it goes. If he keeps pushing the intimacy right away then drop him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
In reply to: kima32
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 6:57pm
I will ask him but what makes you think he wants a relationship? I'm just curious.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: kima32
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 1:44pm
I agree you should ask him out on a specific night. If he avoids setting a date and time then let him go. If you do go out on the date, then just try to take it one step at a time, whatever you are comfortable with. If he again starts to push the intimacy then let him go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: kima32
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 7:44pm

I would actually take him at face value. I think both of you are so afraid of rejection/failure that it is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Studies show that positive energy from people draws more positive energy from others and negative energy draws more negative energy.

Try this to break the cycle. Call him and tell him that while you're not still ready to sleep with him, you want to take him out for a nice dinner in the next few days. If he genuinely wants a relationship as I think he does, he'll be flattered.

Good luck.