I feel like my boyfriend is trying to have the best of both worlds

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I feel like my boyfriend is trying to have the best of both worlds
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Sat, 10-06-2012 - 10:18am

    

 

 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

After reading all the responses to your post. I agree that continuing this relationship is not constructive.  He is a man with passion for golf.  Wheather he ever makes money with it does not take from his love of the game.  He is mature.  The idea that the only way of judgement of maturity to want to meet your plan is not viable.  What kind of relationship you want out of life and what he wants is equal.  It makes no logic or sense to keep up this frustration.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Here's another thing I thought about & learned due to age & expereince.  The process of dating is so that you get to know each other & figure out whether the other person is the one you want to be with, marry & have a family with--if that's what your eventual goal is.  When it becomes apparent that the other person is really not the right one for a lifetime commitment, why are people so afraid to end things but instead try to re-mold the other person into what they want him to be--which never works out--instead of just moving on to try to find someone more compatible?

Example:  you met this guy, he's probably attractive, you go out & have some fun, you're thinking--hey this is great.  He tells you that he loves golf, but you don't really realize how much until some time starts to go by because if you started dating 9 months ago, it would have been winter, so unless you live in the south, it wasn't golf time anyway.  So then the summer comes & he's obssessed w/ golf and you're thinking "hey, I didn't realize how much I would be left behind due to golf" and then you see him hanging out w/ all the friends you don't like--but instead of thinking that despite some of his good qualities (and obviously he has some or you wouldn't be hanging on this long) he's just not really the right guy for you because he wants to play golf all the time & party & you don't like that--you keep wasting your time hoping that he'll suddenly become a different person.

I'd really like to hear your answer to this.  If you thought his good qualities outweighed the bad ones, you wouldn't be writing here more than once about this problem, you'd just be content to accept that about him.  You haven't even been together a year, so it's not like you've devoted a ton of time to the relationship.  I hear so many women saying that they don't want to break up w/ a guy because that would mean their time w/ him was "a waste of time"--so intead they are going to waste even more years being in an unfulfilling relationship.  I hope you don't feel that at 30 it's too late to find another guy who is more compatible to you--you have plenty of time and it's not even like that old biological clock is ticking so you're desperate to have babies.  So really what is stopping you from just breaking up with him when obviously you're not happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004

In my opinion, he is not going to change so you need to make the choice as to whether or not you are willing to "deal" with his golfing and partying a few nights a week.  If it's one thing I have learned through my years of dating, it's that you cannot change someone.  He is going to hear what you are saying as "nagging" and it is only going to drive him further away.  Yes he probably is going to strip clubs and yes you can use cell phones in there. I highly doubt if all the guys are going to the strip club, he is going to back out and go home.  I am sorry but this is my opinion although it is probably not what you want to hear.  I dont think it is healthy to be spending all of your time together anyway - so think about what is important to you and if you cannot deal with his golfing and partying, then I think you should end the relationship.  If he stopped golfing for you, he would be unhappy and I am sure you dont want him to be unhappy either....right?  I feel you are fighting a losing battle.  Many men don't ever "grow up" as you say so I think you need to ask yourself some questions and go from there!  Good luck :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

My ex wife's best friend had a boyfriend like this for over 15 years and she loved it. His availability matched hers and they got along great. Your guy needs to find a gf like that.

BTW, he never changed from the ages of 30-45 and I suspect that he never will.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

There are many couples who have this issue.  Paul Newman(the actor) took up sports car racing at 45 a age when most are retireing.  His wife was not happy as it is dangerous but stood by as he won championships.  Professional athletes wives go thru similar issues.  The suppose to be's get in the way of actual life.

   There are no prefect people.  We are human.  It is up to us to be honest with ourselves and with the other person.  Dishonesty and fraud are rampant in romance.  Don't be that crook, but an upstanding human being who knows herself and what she is able to compromise on as well as cast in stone desires.  Grow as a person.  Do not give negative an opening.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003

 

This isn't the first time you've posted about this, right?

 - you make 30 sound like 70. Thirty is very very VERY young. Many people don't see being 30 as the time to grow up, get a mortgage, marry, have children and become a responsable serious daddy-type. I didn't even clearly know what (or whom) I wanted in life at the age of 30.

- there is nothing wrong with your bf's and his friends' life style whether they are  25, 30, or 45. They have every right to drink, party, see as many different girls as they want and go to as many strip clubs as they choose. Its their lives - they can do with them what they want. This is how they ARE, and you can't change them. Neither should you be trying to. And yes, I am including your bf.

- 9 months is really ...less than a second in the big scheme of things. You haven't wasted any time. You are completely incompatible and shouldn't be with him because what he wants from his life at this moment in time is precisely the opposite to what you want from yours. My advise to you would be to say 'Thank you for the music', in the words of ABBA, and get on with your life. Trust me, he won't be heartbroken, or beg for you to come back.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with you, and  what you want in life either. It's just that you need to find a man who will want the same things, within the same timeframe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I remember the last time you asked for advice about this exact same situation with this same man, you decided that you were going to talk to him "one more time" because you didn't want to break up. You were convinced that would do the trick. Well, apparently it didn't.

So this time...your solution is to talk to him yet another "one more time"???

What good is it going to do to keep talking about it "one more time"? He's not going to change. He's demonstrated this time and again.

If you don't like the relationship the way it is, the only solution is to stop seeing him. Or, if you don't want to break up, you need to accept him the way he is.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Just this you cannot control another person.  You can control yourself.  It is your decision.  Golf is his passion.  There are many couples where one has such a passion.  The question is can you live in this lifestyle or not.  It is not that he is immature,or any other derogatory label, but being honest with you and himself.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Confusedgirl, there's nothing more to talk about.    He's stated very clearly the way he wants a relationship to fit into his life.     It's now up to you to decide what to do with this information. 

In short, can you accept him how he is or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

"I'm not ready to stop hanging out with my friends, I still enjoy that, going out and yea, drinking, having fun. I’m not ready to give that up. I’m not necessarily looking to settle down the way you are. If it happens it happens, but at the same time I’m not actively seeking it.”

He told you very clearly that what he wants is not the same as what you want, yet you don't want to listen.  He's not lying to you--the way you are now is exactly the way he wants it, but it's not the way you want it.  The last time you wrote about this problem, I think is was unanimous that everybody here told you to break up with him, yet here you still are, still having the same problem, which is not going to change--are you going to be writing in about the same problem in 6 mos or 1 year?  Do yourself a favor & just find another guy who is mature & wants what you want.

I'll tell you what it will be like to be married to this type of guy.  I got married when I was just turned 27 to a guy who was 24--he loved playing baseball or softball a lot--he liked other sports but that was his favorite.  Well before we had kids it didn't bother me that much.  If he had a couple of baseball games on week nights I could go shopping, go out with friend, etc.  But a few years later, we had a baby--he played in 2 leagues.  One was week nights (probably 2 games) and one was on Sundays--even though the actual game probably only took a couple of hours, they would be there drinking beers at the field all afternoon.  I didn't have an issue w/ him cheating, looking at other women, etc.--the other guys were all family men--but here I was home with a baby all the time by myself.  And he worked the overnight shift while I worked days.  Since he worked overnight on Friday, he did have to sleep at least part of Sat. so really the only full day we could have to do anything would be Sunday, which was taken up by softball.  And add to that that we had to spend some time visiting our families (and mine live an hour away)--it's not that we never went out on a date, we did, but it really irritated me that we had limited amounts of time to be together and he spent a lot of it on sports--between working full time & having a baby, when did I have any time?  He'd always say that if I wanted to go anywhere (of course on times when he wasn't playing ball) he'd be happy to stay home with the baby, but I don't think it's good for the marriage to always be doing things apart--and you should also be doing things with the baby.  It got a little better when she was a little older and we could take her & go to the games & she'd play with the other people's kids but still it's not how I wanted to spend every Sunday when there were tons of other fun things we could be doing.  So if you think it's ever going to change, it's not--this is what he likes and he'll be doing it even if you get married & have kids.  Maybe the drinking & hanging out will change but he will probably not stop playing golf if he really loves doing it.  And golf is a sport that takes time--to play 18 holes takes a few hours and most guys will go to the club house after for a beer and some food.  Oh, my exH is now 52 yrs old and still plays baseball.

The other thing is that you don't trust him.  When my ex was playing ball, I was never concerned with whether he was looking at other women.  If you're not sure whether your BF is going to cheat on you, why are you with him?  I'd think that is a bad candidate for a BF.  I really don't know where your fixation is with strip clubs.  If he has never mentioned it I don't know why you think he is going there.  Maybe he really is just having fun w/ his friends.  It is actually possible that they could enjoy hanging at someone's house playing cards, drinking & doing manly stuff.  But you said that he lies--why would you be with a BF who lies & you can't trust him?

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