I feel like my boyfriend is trying to have the best of both worlds

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I feel like my boyfriend is trying to have the best of both worlds
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 10:18am





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004

In my opinion, he is not going to change so you need to make the choice as to whether or not you are willing to "deal" with his golfing and partying a few nights a week.  If it's one thing I have learned through my years of dating, it's that you cannot change someone.  He is going to hear what you are saying as "nagging" and it is only going to drive him further away.  Yes he probably is going to strip clubs and yes you can use cell phones in there. I highly doubt if all the guys are going to the strip club, he is going to back out and go home.  I am sorry but this is my opinion although it is probably not what you want to hear.  I dont think it is healthy to be spending all of your time together anyway - so think about what is important to you and if you cannot deal with his golfing and partying, then I think you should end the relationship.  If he stopped golfing for you, he would be unhappy and I am sure you dont want him to be unhappy either....right?  I feel you are fighting a losing battle.  Many men don't ever "grow up" as you say so I think you need to ask yourself some questions and go from there!  Good luck :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Here's another thing I thought about & learned due to age & expereince.  The process of dating is so that you get to know each other & figure out whether the other person is the one you want to be with, marry & have a family with--if that's what your eventual goal is.  When it becomes apparent that the other person is really not the right one for a lifetime commitment, why are people so afraid to end things but instead try to re-mold the other person into what they want him to be--which never works out--instead of just moving on to try to find someone more compatible?

Example:  you met this guy, he's probably attractive, you go out & have some fun, you're thinking--hey this is great.  He tells you that he loves golf, but you don't really realize how much until some time starts to go by because if you started dating 9 months ago, it would have been winter, so unless you live in the south, it wasn't golf time anyway.  So then the summer comes & he's obssessed w/ golf and you're thinking "hey, I didn't realize how much I would be left behind due to golf" and then you see him hanging out w/ all the friends you don't like--but instead of thinking that despite some of his good qualities (and obviously he has some or you wouldn't be hanging on this long) he's just not really the right guy for you because he wants to play golf all the time & party & you don't like that--you keep wasting your time hoping that he'll suddenly become a different person.

I'd really like to hear your answer to this.  If you thought his good qualities outweighed the bad ones, you wouldn't be writing here more than once about this problem, you'd just be content to accept that about him.  You haven't even been together a year, so it's not like you've devoted a ton of time to the relationship.  I hear so many women saying that they don't want to break up w/ a guy because that would mean their time w/ him was "a waste of time"--so intead they are going to waste even more years being in an unfulfilling relationship.  I hope you don't feel that at 30 it's too late to find another guy who is more compatible to you--you have plenty of time and it's not even like that old biological clock is ticking so you're desperate to have babies.  So really what is stopping you from just breaking up with him when obviously you're not happy?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

After reading all the responses to your post. I agree that continuing this relationship is not constructive.  He is a man with passion for golf.  Wheather he ever makes money with it does not take from his love of the game.  He is mature.  The idea that the only way of judgement of maturity to want to meet your plan is not viable.  What kind of relationship you want out of life and what he wants is equal.  It makes no logic or sense to keep up this frustration.